#i am already trying to stay recovery focused

[fellowshipofthenoodles]

Ughhhh

[absurdthirst]

Washed Up {Dave York x F!Reader}

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 16.4k

Warnings: Violent injuries, loss of eye, amnesia, recovery, growing feelings, oral sex (male and receiving), vaginal sex, unprotected sex, infidelity through memory loss, recovered memory, angst, separation, loss, pregnancy, deadly threats

Comments: When Dave washes up on the beach in front of your house, gravely injured and without any memory of who he is, you give him a save place to recover. And a glimpse of the man he wants to be.

Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers

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|| MasterList || Dave York MasterList ||

Click Keep Reading only if you have read the Rating and Warnings and understand the warnings may not be complete to avoid listing spoilers. As AO3 says 'creator chooses not to use warnings'. You also agree that you're the right age to be consuming anything here.

Dave looks up at Robert, one eye destroyed, and his arm hanging limply at his side. He's on his knees and he knows it's over. His killing spree. His life. It's all over. When he's pushed over the wall, he prays for a quick death and when his head hits the rocks, he feels at peace.

**** 

Death doesn't keep Dave in its grip for long. The man blinks, his body in agony as he expects to open his eyes and find himself in hell. That's where he should be. He should already be consumed by the flames but instead, he hears the waves lapping, birds flying overhead, and a woman's voice. It fades in and out and he closes his eyes again, the darkness overtaking his senses once again.

Living on the coast is beautiful and deadly. You had witnessed the destruction of the hurricane barreling along the coast through the latched shutters and listened to the howling winds as they clamored to get inside. Now, you are assessing the damage, luckier than most and cleaning up debris along the water that had been churned up and pushed ashore by the waves. Now calmer as they ripple on the sand. The clump of seaweed and debris you had been walking towards made you shout when you spotted an arm. 

“Oh my god!” Rushing over, you find that it’s a man. Immediately pushing your fingers against his throat, only to find a thready pulse. A heartbeat, even as weak as it is, is a heartbeat. “Sir! Sir!” You can’t risk moving him, but he’s on his back, opening an eye only to rear back when the eye socket is empty. A fresh wound from the damage to it. “Sir?” You cautiously open the other lid to find a blown pupil and you reach for your cell phone, praying the towers aren’t jammed or down from the storm.

****

Dave groans softly, his voice hoarse from swallowing so much sea water, and he can hear beeping. His eye flutters open, making him wince at the bright light above, and he doesn’t recognize where he is but when his sight focuses, he’s in a hospital room. “Relax.” He hears someone say and he obeys, unable to do anything but lay there, trying to piece together what happened but his mind is blank.

You shouldn’t be sitting in the chair beside this stranger’s bed, but you are. Hating that you have read his charts so many times that you know it by heart, you wonder how he survived the vicious attack. Lacerations and wounds, knife wounds, millimeters from having his spine severed. This man was lucky to be alive. You reach for his hand and squeeze gently, hoping that he can hear you. “Relax.” You murmur softly. “You’re safe.”

Dave slides into subconscious yet again, the voice of an angel lulling him to sleep. When he wakes again, the machines are still beeping but he is lucid. His eye opens and he tenses, remembering nothing but the voice. “Whe -where am I?” He chokes out, voice raspy and quiet from the ocean and lack of hydration.

“You’re in the hospital.” Sitting up from the little nap you had been taking, you immediately start checking his vitals on the monitor. “You’re safe.” You promise, knowing that above all else, that is what most people worry about when they wake up in unfamiliar surroundings. His head turns towards you, and you introduce yourself. “I’m the one that found you on my beach five days ago.”

“On the beach? What was I doing on the beach?” He rasps and you grab the cup of water, holding out the straw for him to take a sip. “That’s what I was hoping you’d tell me.” You chuckle nervously and Dave swallows down the water to clear his throat. His head aches as he tries to remember why. “I don’t - I don’t remember.”

“I was afraid of that.” You sigh softly, pulling the cup away from his lips when he leans back. “You had some swelling on your brain and had considerable trauma.” You explain. “And you were hypothermic. It sounds like you have amnesia.”

Dave blinks as if trying to force himself to remember. “I don’t remember anything.” He chokes, “and I can’t see properly. Why can’t I see properly?” He panics slightly, his hand coming up to his face and his eye widens as he discovers the bandage.

“You have sustained severe injuries.” You reach for his hands and gently take hold of them so he doesn’t rip off the bandages. “I’m afraid that you are missing your eye. The bandage is to let the injury heal properly and when you are healed, you can be fitted with a prosthetic.”

Dave chokes at the news of his missing eye. “Is - is there anything else missing? Am I - can I walk?” He asks, his chest heaving as he starts to panic until he calms himself down without a thought. Like previous training kicks in and he has no clue why his heart monitor isn’t skyrocketing.

You frown and watch his heartbeat barely jump even though he had just had a moment of complete panic. “You have knife wounds, but there wasn’t any spinal damage that we could see.” You promise. “Your reflexes are still intact. You should still have all your motor functions.”

He nods, in shock, but his body feels completely calm. It’s unnerving to say the least. “Okay.” He knows he needs to adjust to having a missing eye but he is calm enough to know that he should be able to walk. To function. “Do you remember your name?” You ask and he frowns, trying to remember but nothing comes into his mind. He shakes his head, “no, ma’am.”

You are disappointed but know that is common with the amount of injuries he had. Especially since he had head injuries. “That’s going make it harder to get you home.” You admit softly. “The police have been here and you didn’t have any ID in your clothes and your prints aren’t coming up in the system.” You give him a small, reassuring smile. “I’ve been calling you John, for John Doe.”

Dave snorts, “John. What is your name?” He asks and you tell him, “I’m a nurse here. Good thing too since you washed up outside of my house.” Dave nods, “so what happens now? If no one knows who I am?”

You bite your lip and sigh. “You will probably be discharged tomorrow, now that you are awake. Since you don’t know who you are or where you live, I’ll bring you home with me.” You had thought about it after a conversation with the police and you can’t just leave this man alone and without anywhere to turn. It’s as if he doesn’t exist.

Dave shakes his head and winces at the pain, “you don’t - you shouldn’t have to - I can go to a hotel or something. I don’t have any money but I will figure it out.” He says like it makes sense when it doesn’t at all. “You’re coming home with me.” You insist and he sighs, “I’ll make it up to you. When I get my identity back.” He promises, knowing it’s an empty one unless that actually happens.

“We can cross that bridge when we come to it.” You murmur softly. “Are you hungry? Or do you want to rest some more?” People are surprised at how tired they are after waking up from a comma or being deeply unconscious.

“I want to sleep.” He confesses, “then food.” He smiles softly and you chuckle, “no problem. Get some sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.” You promise and watch as his eyes flutter closed. He falls asleep within moments and you go to get the doctor to tell them that the John Doe is awake. When Dave opens his eyes the next time, the machines are still beeping and he looks over to find you sitting in the chair. “How long have you been here?” He rasps, his voice thick with sleep.

“I haven’t left since I brought you in.” You confess, knowing that it makes you seem crazy, but you haven't been able to leave him alone. “I used the bathroom in your room to shower. I just-“ you shrug. “I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

Dave is shocked but appreciative, his stomach twisting with something unknown. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.” He murmurs and you stand, helping him sit up. “Are you hungry?” You ask and he nods, “I’ll get you a tray.” He watches you leave the room and he tries to remember anything about himself. Anything at all so he can discover his identity. He doesn’t want to be a burden on you.

The police have been informed that he’s awake, but that he has no memory of his life or his name. They don’t even bother to come out and tell you that he’s just non/existent in the system. Like he’s a ghost. You thank them and bring the tray back, setting it on the table and shelling it in front of him. “Here you go. Try not to eat too fast. I know you have to be hungry.”

Dave takes a bite, his hand shaking a little, his other hand in a cast from his wounds and he groans at the taste of the food. He tries to not eat too fast but he’s starving all of a sudden. “Do you- your partner won’t be upset with me coming home with you?”

You laugh quietly and shake your head. “No partner.” You tell him. “Just me. My dog, I’d had her for fourteen years, died last year. So it’s just me.” Your house was way too big for you, but you had bought it when the market was down and you loved living on the water. “I can put you downstairs for now until you are ready to climb stairs.”

Dave can’t argue. He doesn’t have anywhere to go. He doesn't have an ID, money, a home. He’s completely lost and your kindness is the only thing that’s saving him. “I can’t thank you enough. When I figure out who I am, I’ll pay you back.” He promises, “I can’t thank you enough for helping me.”

You shake your head. “When you have the chance to help someone else, do it. That’s all the payment I need.” You promise quietly. “There are too many unfortunates in this world.”

Dave nods, knowing he will find a way to repay you when he can. He will make sure he does when he remembers who he is. For now, he has to focus on recovering and healing from a traumatic experience.

“So, I’ve got you a set of basic scrubs to wear when you’re released.” You murmur quietly, watching him eat. “Your things were ruined, we had to cut them off you, but I saved them.” You hope that his clothes might help him remember something. “After I get you home, I’ll pick you up some more things, comfortable and easy to put on.”

Dave nods, “I guess I need to remember who I am because I don’t have anything. No money. No job. No home. Shit. I’m so sorry I literally landed on your doorstep.” You shake your head and go to interrupt him but he continues, “I can’t ever repay you for your kindness.”

You can tell that will be a continuing theme for him, so you don’t protest. Instead, you smirk as he polishes off the cheeseburger. “Did you like that?” You ask. “Cheeseburger kind of man?”

“Hell yes.” He chuckles, “that I do remember. Kind of? Would be fucking hell if I was a vegan and didn’t know it.” He snorts, “guess I’ll find out when I remember.” He adds, then frowns, knowing it should be ‘if’ he remembers.

“At least you remember what being a vegan means.” You point out in amusement. He’s handsome, even with the scars and the bandage over his eye. His jaw is covered with stubble and you bite your lip. “Before you leave, they are going to want you to get up and shower. Do you want me to help you shave? You were clean shaven when I found you.”

Dave nods, “yes please. I would love that because this is too itchy.” You’re like a guardian angel and he doesn’t know how to say thank you for all of your help. The nurses come by later on and help him shower and he is a little embarrassed by his nudity when they help him undress. When he is dressed in scrubs, you sit him down by the sink and grab the razor, starting to shave his face. Dave can’t help but watch you as you try to concentrate on shaving him without making his skin. You are an angel in every sense of the word, ethereal in appearance, and he knows he’s staring, but he can’t help himself.

You glance at his eye, noticing that he’s watching you as you look back down at his foamy jaw. “What?” You chuckle. “I’m not going to slit your throat.” You wince the second it comes out of your mouth, because you know the injuries he’s received. Someone tried to kill him. “I mean, I’m careful.”

He continues watching you, “I can tell you’re a woman who likes attention to detail.” He says and tilts his head for you. “So are you from here? Or did you move here?” He asks, wanting to know more about you.

“Moved here about eight years ago.” You hum as you furrow your brow as you scrape the razor along his jaw. “Tiny little midwestern town, landlocked. So living right by the ocean was a dream for me.”

Dave hums, anxious to know more about you. He doesn’t know why he feels so drawn to you other than the fact that you are the woman that saved his life. “Did you move here with a partner? Or have you been alone this entire time?“ He can’t believe that someone like you would’ve been on their own for an extended period of time when you are so beautiful.

“Terminally single.” You joke. “When I first started my career, I was working all the time. Boyfriends didn’t really like that, so I just decided that I would be happy without someone.” You shrug like it doesn’t matter, but you have been feeling alone. “But I got to travel as a nurse for a while and earn great money. Buy my house, so if a man comes along….” You glance at him again and smirk. “He’s gotta be okay with me being independent.”

“Good for you.” Dave smiles as you wash off the razor before you continue. He doesn’t ask anymore questions, trying to search his own brain for answers. He wonders where he’s from. Does he have a family? He doesn’t know anything and it’s driving him crazy. He lets you shave his face and watches you with fascination .

The silence settles between you and instead of asking him questions, you start to hum a song. It’s nothing meaningful, just one of the new ones you had heard on the radio and got stuck in your head. Maybe you should play some music for him to see if it helps him figure out who he is.

Dave listens to you hum, not recognizing the song but he likes to listen to you. When you’re done, you clean off his face and he feels so much better. “I can’t explain it but I feel more like myself.” He says, looking in the mirror and trying to ignore the bandage over his eye.

“You look very handsome.” You praise softly, resisting the urge to caress his cheek. “The eyepatch we get you will make you look dashing and a bit dangerous. Like a spy.”

Dave winces, his head aching at your words and he hisses, clutching his head. “Are you okay?” You ask and he nods, taking a deep breath. “Yes. Yes. I - shit. Sorry.” He apologizes, “had a twinge of pain. A spy, huh? Maybe look sexy.” He flirts slightly, a smirk on his face when the pain fades.

You smile and nod. “I can see it.” You admit, even as you step back from him. “The doctor is going to come and see you one more time, then sign your discharge papers.” You explain. Being the nurse in charge of him had helped get him prioritized. “And I’m off for the rest of the week to help you get settled.”

Dave nods, “I really can’t thank you enough.” He says and reaches down to squeeze your hand. “Really, I owe you my life. Literally.” He murmurs and the doctor knocks on the door, “hey our John Doe. How you holding up?” He asks and Dave nods, “good. Thanks to an amazing nurse.”

Aaron is a good doctor and he smiles. “Well you have the best.” He compliments. “She has been dedicated to your recovery.” He glances over the chart and hums. “Despite your memory loss, everything else is looking good.” He had already gone through a memory test and he remembers the year and current events, just nothing about his life.

Dave nods, “that’s good. What are the chances of my memories coming back?” He asks and the doctor sighs, “it’s hard to say. These cases are difficult to assess. Your memories could come back over the next few days. Or it could take a while and something triggers it. Or they could never come back. Only time will tell.” Dave nods, a frown on his face but he’s accepting it. “Thanks Doctor.” He says and shakes the hand of the man who saved his life. “Of course. I’ll go write up your discharge papers now so you can get out of here. A change of scenery might help.” Aaron leaves the room and Dave sighs, “hopefully they come back in a few days so I can get out of your hair.”

Shaking your head, you move to start packing up the gym bag you had brought from your work locker. “Don’t worry about that.” You encourage him. “Best thing you can do is heal. And you don’t even need to come back to the hospital to have your bandages changed.”

Dave watches you pack up your things, his eye dropping down to your ass when you bend over and he swallows, knowing he can’t ogle you when you are his savior. “That’s good.” He nods, “I don’t like hospitals. At least I don’t think I do.”

“I honestly don’t know anyone who likes hospitals.” You admit with a small chuckle. “They are a necessary evil. But I will try to make sure you don’t have to go back.” You promise and gather the bag with his own things for him to go through when you get him settled. “Ready?”

He nods, knowing he doesn’t have anything but the scrubs on his body and his useless memory. “Yes ma’am.” He says and follows you out of the hospital room he woke up in. He should be nervous but his stomach isn’t twisting like he thought it would. He signs his papers and follows you down the hall and out of the ward. He hopes he gets his memories back. He wants to know who he is, but for now, he will follow you home.

Guiding ‘John’ to your car, you load him up and set out for your house. Talking as you drive, you show him the general area and point to a tower across the bay. “That had to be really dangerous during the storm.” You comment quietly. “I wouldn’t have wanted to be on top of that.”

Dave frowns, his head aching all of a sudden and he hisses. “You okay?” You ask and pull over on the side of the road. “Yeah. I’m good. I- shit. Just a headache. Must be from the head injury.” He reaches up to rub his head and you frown, waiting a few seconds for him to breathe properly.

You ask if he needs something, a drink or aspirin, but he insists he’s alright after another minute. You consider taking him back to the hospital but decide to continue on home. Pulling up into the driveway after a few more minutes, you park. “Home sweet home.”

Dave admires your home, “it’s gorgeous. No wonder you fell in love with it.” He says with a smile and you grin, “I know. I had to have it.” Dave struggles to open the door with his arm still in bandages and you rush around to help him. “I feel so useless.” He sighs, “I can’t wait to be functional again.”

“We will get you all healed up and better than ever in no time.” The loss of his eye will be a large adjustment but perhaps not having any memory will help him. He won’t be used to what he used to be able to do. “There’s a downstairs in-law suite with its own bathroom.” You explain. “It was my little library, but I’ll move the bed in there and make it nice and cozy for you.”

Dave doesn't know how he is ever going to repay your kindness nor does he understand how someone so beautiful can also be so sweet. It makes his spine tingle with suspicion even though he completely trusts you. "Thank you." He murmurs and you snort, "stop saying 'thank you', John." You scoff and playfully slap his upper arm. His hand immediately comes up to grab your wrist, a reflex he didn't even know he had. "I am - Jesus." He loosens his grip and lets go of you, confused by his reaction.

“Wow.” You aren’t scared, more like impressed at the speed that he caught your hand. You arch your brow playfully and hum. “Maybe you are a secret agent.” You tease quietly, wondering where he had come from. That's your biggest question. How he had come to be on your beach. Did he fall off a ship?

Dave snorts, “yeah. And an assassin.” He chuckles before he winces again. “Maybe we should take you back to the hospital.” Dave shakes his head, “no. No. I’ll be fine.” He promises, “maybe I just need to lay down for a bit.”

You guide him into the house and immediately show him to the couch. “Lay down here for now and I’ll get your bedroom set up properly.” You hadn’t wanted to leave him to set it up while he was unconscious. “Do you want a blanket? Let me get you a blanket, and some water.”

Dave feels like a burden already, something in him telling him he shouldn’t let you run around after him but he feels exhausted. He sits down on your sofa and rubs his knee with his hand as he watches you grab him some water and a blanket. “Thank you.” He murmurs, shifting to lean back on your sofa, relaxing into the cushions.

“You’re welcomed.” You spread the blanket over his body and set the water down on the coffee table. “Get some rest and let your body heal.” You advise softly. “You push yourself and it will take longer to recover.”

Sighing in reluctant agreement, Dave closes his lone eye and lets himself relax. Inside, he feels useless, like he should be better already. Like there's something telling him it's life or death if he doesn't recover. He falls asleep not long after you settle him and he doesn't realize how long he's been asleep until he opens his eye and it's dark outside. "How long have I been asleep?" He rasps, voice thick with slumber.

“A few hours.” You had tried to be quiet, but he had been dead to the world, sleeping through you disassembling the bed upstairs and bringing it down to rearrange the inlaw suite. “Are you hungry?”

He wasn't until you mentioned it but now, his stomach is rumbling. He nods and you smile, "good. Dinner is in the oven. Your bed is ready and I'll show you the bathroom. I'll change your bandages when you shower next." You say and Dave can't say 'thank you' again, you'll kill him, so he nods and offers you a soft smile.

You show him the house. Letting him know subtly that he can go wherever he wants. Finally bringing him to the bedroom you had set up for him to sleep in. “This is your area.” You tell him. “There’s a shower, but if you need help, you let me know. I am a nurse.”

He can’t tell you that you being a nurse means nothing when he feels his cock twitch when you bend over to grab a spare toothbrush for him from under the sink. It means nothing when he wants to push you into the counter and bury his face in your neck. He doesn’t know where the attraction is coming from, especially since he just got out of hospital but fuck, he wants you. Shoving that down, he follows out into the living room and he looks out of the window to the beach, the waves crashing on the sand. “It’s more peaceful than when I got washed up

“I’m surprised you remember that.” It’s a good sign, considering how injured he had been. “The storm was brutal, I watched it from between the shutter slats. I just hope you weren’t in it for long.”

“I remember some of it. Between unconscious and conscious. The crash of the waves. The harsh wind. I remember a moment that I thought I was in hell. I hoped I wasn’t. I don’t…I hope I don’t deserve hell. But that’s what I felt for a brief second. That I deserved it.” He frowns, letting out a thought that’s haunted him.

You frown, reaching out and touching his arm gently. “Well, this isn’t hell and you don’t deserve that. No matter who you were before that beach.”

“This isn’t hell.” He agrees, knowing you’re his angel. The woman who saved him from death. “Thank you.” He reaches for your hand, pressing a soft kiss to the back of it before he realizes what he’s done. “I, uh, sorry.” He murmurs, letting go of your hand.

“That’s okay.” He looks embarrassed and that’s the last thing you want. “Don’t be afraid to express yourself. We are in close quarters and I’m not offended at all that my ‘John’ has the manners of a gentleman.” You giggle slightly and bat your lashes at him.

Dave likes hearing your giggle, a smile on his face and he chuckles, “John. Definitely don’t think that’s my real name. It’s - it doesn’t feel like it’s my name, you know?” He tilts his head as he looks up at you.

“Yeah, you don’t look like a John, if that makes sense. But, do you want to pick out a name?” Maybe picking his own name will jog his memory. It couldn’t hurt to try. “Austin, Aaron, Anthony?”

Dave wrinkles his nose but his eyebrows raise at Anthony. “Anthony feels familiar.” He confesses, “but doesn’t feel…right. If that makes sense.” He tilts his head at you, “keep guessing.” He demands softly, “I’ll see if anything feels better.”

“Brad, Bryan, Boyd.” He shakes his head and you move on to the ‘C’ names. “Chris. Chandler- I threw that in because of Friends.” You joke. “Chad- no, no, you’re too handsome to be a Chad.” He wrinkles his nose and you grin at how offended he looks. Maybe because of the stereotype around the name or he just finds it offensive. “David? Daniel, and…..”

Dave frowns, thinking about the names, his stomach twisting and he looks up at you. “David feels…right.” He murmurs, his head aching a little and he wonders if that’s his name or if it’s totally wrong. “Shit.” He hisses, reaching up to rub his head.

“Is your head hurting again?” You frown and walk over to him, looking into his eyes. “Maybe- maybe it’s possible that your head hurts when you remember something.” You pose. “I need to do some reading on it.”

He closes his eye for a moment, trying to gather himself. “Yeah. Maybe. It - I feel a twinge in my belly when it happens. Maybe I am remembering something.” He frowns, opening his eye to look up at you. “Or maybe I need a painkiller.” He jokes, reaching for your hand to squeeze it.

“A painkiller can be provided.” You wink at him. “We won’t push you too hard, just whatever comes will come.” You squeeze his hand back and the timer in the kitchen goes off. “There’s dinner.”

Dave watches you make your way into the kitchen and he groans as he stands up. His arm still bandaged, he makes his way into the kitchen just as you are plating up dinner. “Best to have food with the pill. These are pretty strong.” You say and he nods, taking a seat. You hand him the pill and set a glass of water down, he swallows it dry without a thought. “Right then.” You snort and turn back to the counter to grab the plates. “This looks delicious.” He declares, “are you sure you’re not secretly married?” He teases, picking up his fork.

You laugh, shrugging. “Maybe I am. But then again, where are all the dirty socks?” You watch as he takes a bite and groans. It has to be better than hospital food and you try not to clench at the low growl of pleasure. He’s hurt, it’s so wrong to find him attractive and want him right now. “My dad used to leave his socks everywhere.” You explain. “Drove my mom crazy.”

With a snort, Dave sets his fork down, “I can’t remember shit but even I know that the way to piss a woman off is to leave socks and underwear on the floor.” He chuckles and takes a sip of water. “You’re a great cook.” He compliments you, picking up his fork after setting his glass down. “It’s a crime you aren’t married.” He murmurs, looking at you from across the table. He means it. Even if he barely knows you.

“Are you auditioning?” You flirt playfully, smirking at him. “I might snore like a banshee or have a really weird third boob that I hide.” You joke, taking a bite of his own meal. “I find it harder to believe that you aren’t married. Maybe you are. Maybe you’re divorced or hell, you might be celibate.”

Dave chuckles, “I don’t think a monk would lose an eye and nearly get murdered.” He raises his eyebrow before he sighs, knowing that the answers to that mystery aren’t available to him right now. He wants to know what happened. “I wasn’t wearing a ring when you found me, was I?” He asks, wondering if you noticed.

“No.” You shake your head, remembering to check him for a medical bracelet and you had looked at his hand. “No rings, necklaces or bracelets.” You shrug. “So probably not married.”

Dave nods, a little relieved by that revelation. He’d feel guilty for finding you so attractive if he was married. “Good. That’s…good to know.” He says, his eye focusing on you until you fluster and he continues eating.

The two of you continue to talk, he asks you a lot of questions about your life since he doesn’t remember his own and you fill him in. Enjoying the way he laughs and relaxes as he cleans his plate. “Do you want more?”

He bites his lip, knowing he shouldn’t eat too much but he is still hungry. He offers you a slightly shy nod and you chuckle, grabbing his plate to give him a second serving of food. “You really are a good cook.” He tells you as you set his plate down.

“Well then at least you don’t have to worry about starving.” You reach out and touch the back of his neck, the bandages covering the staples and you hum. “Tomorrow, we’ll change these again. But you are healing nicely.”

“I- hopefully I can remember who I am and I’ll be out of your hair. I’m sure you’ll be sick of me before too long.” He says, trying to ignore the way he shivers slightly at your touch.

“You seem anxious to get rid of me.” You wonder if you had been too pushy, if he would rather be somewhere else. “Hopefully I don’t drive you crazy.”

Dave snorts, knowing you are going to drive him crazy but not in the way you think. “No. No. I just- you’ve been so kind. I don’t want to be a burden. Well, a bigger burden.” He gestures to his eye, “you’re my saving grace.” He murmurs.

“Don’t put me up on a pedestal.” You shake your head. “I just want you to be safe and secure while you recover who you are or decide what you would do.” You bite your lip. “So often I can’t help someone beyond the hospital but this time, I can.”

Dave smiles softly, “it’s not a pedestal. It’s the truth but I understand. No more compliments.” He teases with a smirk, “no more thanks.” He winks and looks back at his plate, digging back in. He is torn on finding out who he is and never finding out so he can stay with you. 

****

It’s been a week since Dave has been in your home. He spends most of his days trying to see if he can recover his memory. Watching movies, listening to music. Anything that will trigger a memory. “Not a heavy metal fan?” You ask after he turns the volume down on your speaker. He shakes his head, “nope. Apparently not.” He chuckles. “Nothing yet. Maybe my memory is just…gone.”

“It’s possible.” You won’t sugar coat it, it is a possibility. “Then you will just need to figure out who you want to be.” Dave frowns slightly and scratches his head. He hasn’t let you help him too much, but you know he’s been struggling to help himself. He is the stubborn kind, for sure.

He sighs, “I know. I know. It’s - shit - I wanna know who I am because - because I want to know where I came from. What happened to me. So many fucking answers and I don’t know them because my goddamn brain won’t work.” He huffs, hitting his forehead. You open your mouth to protest his self pity when there’s a loud bang outside. Dave doesn’t hesitate, he shoves you down to the rug, covering your body with his. His heart beat in his ears is steady but loud as he raises his head to assess the situation.

You gasp when John - David, pushes you down to the floor and protects you. Never actually witnessing something like that before. Your heart races as he curls around you, waiting a moment before he is looking up. Searching the area for any danger before he even shifts slightly off of you. “I- I think it was a shutter.” You murmur quietly. “I didn’t secure all of them.”

Dave scrambles off of you, “shit. I’m so sorry. I didn’t - I don’t know why I did that.” He confesses, his arm aching from the quick moments as he shifts away from you. “I don’t - the bang made me react.”

“Don’t apologize.” You shake your head and lean over to check him. “Did you open any stitches? Anything hurting?” You ask, concerned more about his well being than him throwing you to the ground.

He shakes his head, "I don't feel anything hurting." He murmurs, still confused about his reaction. "I didn't hurt you, did I?" He asks, wanting to be sure he didn't harm you at all.

“No.” You promise immediately. “I have to admit that it was pretty sexy, protective.” You bite your lip and fluster slightly. “You didn’t hurt me at all. I promise.”

He nods, glad that he didn't hurt you and his cock twitches at you saying it was sexy. "You liked it?" He asks, a smirk on his face as he watches you shift onto your knees. He shouldn't be this cocky when he has one eye, a bandaged up arm, and no memory of who he is, but something inside of him seems to jump out, a confident man who knows what he wants.

“I didn’t mind it.” You admit, watching as he adapts the posture of a man who is very self confident and it’s making him even more attractive. “I know you are recovering, but you are capable and sexy.”

Dave likes hearing that from you and he shouldn't, especially when he hasn't got a clue who he is or where he comes from, but fuck, he likes the way you are looking at him. He shifts onto his knees in front of you. His hand comes up to cup your cheek and his eye searches your face until he leans in to softly kiss you.

You shouldn’t kiss him, not when you know that he’s missing key parts of himself, his history. You can’t help yourself though. It’s like you are unable to pull back, leaning into the kiss and you feel like this is meant to be. Like he was supposed to be found on your beach by you. It’s fate. You sigh softly when his lips touch yours and you lay your hand on his shoulder.

Dave presses his lips a little harder against yours, fueled by the simmering lust he's felt for you and the desire to feel something beyond the pity and frustration that his missing mind has been causing. His hand cups the side of your neck, his thumb caressing your cheek as he slides his tongue against your lower lip, requesting access.

Your sigh turns into a moan, opening up and feeling the slide of his tongue against yours. Stomach clenching and cunt fluttering in pleasure when he dives into you, taking what you offer. He might not know who he is, but he knows how to kiss.

His other hand finds your ass, squeezing as he drags you closer to him. His cock is half hard in the pants you bought for him and he is taken over by this need for you. It's been lingering - some unspoken thing between you - and he desperately wants you. To show you how much he appreciates you, wants you.

You shouldn’t let him. You feel almost as if you are taking advantage but you know he wants this too. “You don’t have to.” You murmur softly, pulling back for just a moment so he knows that it’s not that he has to please you to stay.

He snorts, nudging his nose against yours, “I know I don’t have to. I want to. If you want to.” He adds, pulling back so he can look at you. “If you want to.” He repeats, his hand shifting away from your ass to give you a moment to think about it. You hesitate, exhaling shakily, and he doesn’t push, shifting away from you. “I’m sorry. I- I shouldn’t have done that. Made you uncomfortable.”

“No, I want to.” You confess, feeling your cheeks grow hot. “I’ve been attracted to you since the beginning. I just don’t want to hurt you. You’re still healing.”

Dave shakes his head, shifting back closer to you. “I want you. Don’t care about my arm. I’m healing because of you. I want you.” He murmurs, leaning in to press his lips to yours. His hand finding your waist again.

You slide your hand up his shoulder into the longer locks of his hair now that it is growing out. Over the bandage and you are careful not to tug too hard as you slide your tongue into his mouth this time.

Dave groans into your mouth, sliding his tongue against yours, and his hands slide down to squeeze your ass, dragging you closer. “Let me - sofa.” He grunts, pulling away from your mouth reluctantly and he shifts to stand up. He sits down on the sofa and pats his lap, wanting you to sit down on top of him.

You don’t stand, you crawl over to where he is, watching that one eye darken with lust. The twitching of the soft pants makes your eyes widen in mischief. “You don’t remember your last blowjob, do you?” You moan out, reaching the sofa and sliding your hands up his thighs.

He shakes his head, his eye widening as you look up at him and he swallows harshly. “You don’t - most women don’t like doing that and you - you’ve already done so much for me.” He groans out the last word as you slide your hand across his lap to squeeze him through his pants.

“You remember that women don’t like to suck a cock?” You hum, enjoying the thick feel of him. You had helped strip him down and have helped him around the house, but now you can enjoy this. “This woman wants to suck your cock. But I don’t want you to cum right away.”

Dave gulps, nodding as you hook your fingers in his sweats and he lifts his ass so you can pull them down enough so his cock is freed, pre cum already pooling on the tip. He can’t deny that he hasn’t imagined this. You on your knees for him. “I won’t.” He promises, his throat suddenly dry.

You decide that you will show him how good it can be. Kissing up his thigh and nibbling on the sensitive flesh. His stitches from the leg wounds have dissolved and you feel him jump when you kiss the scar of newly mended skin left behind. Biting his hip before you drag your tongue up the thick length of his shaft and over the sensitive head of his cock.

“Fuck.” Dave hisses as you take his cock into your mouth. His eye watches you as you wrap your lips around the head and start to take him deeper, a groan escaping his lips. “You look so pretty like this.” He murmurs, reaching down to caress your cheek.

You glance up at him and when back down to his cock. He’s pulsing in your mouth and you take him a bit deeper. Wanting to make this good for him as you remind him of what a blow job feels like.

He slides his hand lower to your jaw, feeling it move as you bob your head on his length. He groans when you swallow around him as you take him down your throat. “Jesus.” He hisses when you reach down to roll his balls in your fingers. “Baby. Baby. I don’t - I don’t think I’m gonna last long.” He warns you, tapping on your cheek.

His tap on your cheek is sharp, making you huff slightly instead of moan as you pull back. “Do you want to have me ride you right here?” You ask softly, wrapping your hand around his cock and pumping him gently.

He nods, a little lost in the feel of you, overwhelmed by your kindness, your beauty. He reaches for you, gripping the hem of your shirt to lift it over your head.

You let him take charge. Starting to strip you, although you unhook your bra when your shirt is on the floor. Drawing it down to toss aside and reveal your tits to him.

“Fuck. You’re so beautiful.” He murmurs, his hand coming up to cup your tit and he squeezes, leaning in to kiss along your jaw. “Do we need a condom?” He asks, wanting to be safe even if his memory is shot.

You know all the tests the hospital ran and they even screened him for STIs. “No.” You promise him breathlessly. “I’m on birth control.” You tilt your head to give him more access and push your chest into his hand.

His cock twitches and he slides his hand down to your leggings. “Take these off. I want to see all of you.” He demands, feeling needy for you after wanting you since he arrived in your home. “Please.” He adds, not afraid to beg a little.

You stand up and hook your fingers under your leggings to push them down. Smirking when you show David that you aren’t wearing any panties. “Never wear them.” You admit when he looks shocked.

“Dirty girl.” He smirks after he recovers, groaning at the sight of your curls at the apex of your thighs. He grips his cock, pumping himself a few times and he tilts his head, “come sit on my cock baby. Wanna watch you cum.” He demands, gaining his confidence back.

You bite your lip, stepping forward to straddle his hips. You caress his chest and reach down to take his cock in your own hand. “Fuck, baby.” You moan when he twitches in your hand. “You are so fucking thick, I can’t want to have you inside me.”

He gulps when you start to lower yourself onto his cock, engulfing him in a hot wetness that has his chest heaving. “Shit.” He hisses, his hand coming up to squeeze your breast as you sink down onto him. “So fucking beautiful.” He rasps, his eyes watching you take him.

Moaning, you feel beautiful. David has a way of making you feel like you are gorgeous. From the way he talks to you, to the way his gaze heats up when he is watching, you feel sexy. “Fuck, Dave.” You moan softly, shortening the name he had picked for himself.

Your moan of his new name has him twitching inside of you. It sounds so real, so good. It sounds perfect. His hand squeezes your tit, watching you acclimate to his girth until you’re comfortable enough to start moving on top of him. “That’s it baby, take what you want.” He orders, groaning when you lift up and sink back down again.

You don’t ride him fast, knowing that despite what he’s said, he’s still injured. You could make him reopen the stitches and you don’t want that. Slowly lifting off his cock and groaning when you let him fill you again. Sedately riding him as you press your lips to his.

He groans into your mouth, letting you ride him slowly and he caresses every inch of skin he can with one hand. His lips kissing along your neck and he hisses when you turn your head to kiss him again. His tongue slides against yours, his cock twitching inside of you when you clench around him.

Your moans are breathy and light as he twitches inside you. Breathed into his mouth while you kiss him back. Gorging yourself on the feeling of his tongue taking control and making you wetter and wetter every time he flicks his tongue against yours.

He’s in no rush for this to be over and he’s glad that he seems to have stamina. He’s not rushing to cum inside of you. His hand trails down your stomach, finding your clit, and he groans when he feels how wet you are. Slicking up his fingers, he rubs your clit slowly, not wanting you to cum just yet but wanting to hear you moan.

Whoever he was in a past life, David can make a woman feel amazing. Your back arches slightly when he starts to rub your clit. Pushing your tits up and you moan his name again. He's amazing and you fall even more for your mysterious man.

When you arch your back, Dave ducks his head down to take your nipple into his mouth. He sucks and bites while his hand continues to rub your clit. His eyes closed as he breathes you in, enjoying how you sound, how you smell.

It's easy to slip into the fantasy that Dave is yours. That he always has been and this is just a lazy day that you are making the most of. You whine when his teeth scrape over the sensitive bud of your breast and you breathe out an order. "More." You beg softly, gently pulling his hair again, taking care of the bandage that should be able to be removed in another week or so.

He doesn’t deny you, sucking harder on your nipple and he groans when you tug harder on his hair that isn’t covered by the bandage. He can feel your walls fluttering around his cock and he hisses when you grip him inside of you. “You’re so tight.” He murmurs into your skin as he switches to your other breast.

"You're thick." You moan softly, closing your eyes as he continues to ravish your breasts and you grind down on his cock. It's so perfectly erotic, building you up to a wonderful tension in your belly. "Fuck, Dave, I'm going to cum." You warn him, knowing that you are close to cumming.

He groans, his stomach clenching at the familiarity of the name falling from your lips and it feels so right. His name, you sitting on his cock, being here. It feels like it’s meant to be. “Do it.” He pleads, rubbing your clit a little faster as you rock on top of him. “Cum for me.” He begs against your breast.

​​He makes it so easy for you to cum, rubbing your clit like he knows your body inside and out. Your stomach clenches and you curl your toes when your body locks up in pleasure. Crying out again as your cunt soaks his cock with your orgasm.

Dave hisses against your skin as you clamp down on his cock. “That’s it baby. Shit. I- you feel so good.” He grunts, his fingers working your clit for a little bit longer until he pulls his hand away and grabs your hip, rocking you on his cock. “Fuck. So pretty. So good to me. Taking me so well.” He grunts, bracing his feet on the floor so he can thrust up into you.

When he takes over, all you can do is hold on. You feel how assertive he used the strength he has that has been regaining. Moaning as he works you through your orgasm to the point of overstimulation from the way his cock is hitting inside you. Making you feel like you’re going to cum again.

Dave grunts, jaw clenched as he leans back against the sofa, trying to work you through your orgasm while seeking his own. He thrusts up into you a half dozen more times before it’s too much. His cock twitches as he paints your walls with his hot seed, groaning when he feels you clamp down on his cock again, your hands gripping the sofa behind his head. “Oh my God.” You squeal as you grip him and he pants, head tilting back and eye closing at how good he feels.

You collapse against his chest and kiss along his shoulder as you catch your breath. Giggling quietly from the sheer euphoria of the orgasms and enjoying the slightly salty taste of his damp skin. “Well, we got our workout today.” You tease.

Dave chuckles, cupping your cheek to bring your face to his. His lips pressing against yours while he stares to soften inside of you. “And worked up an appetite. Are you hungry, sweetheart?” He asks, knowing you did most of the work to get both of you off. “I can make you something.” He nudges his nose against yours while his hand slides down to caress your back.

Since he has been here, Dave has started helping you, however he can. He’s a surprisingly good cook and has made several meals for you. “If you’re hungry.” You press your lips to his again. “I can eat.”

He nods, his fingers caressing your spine. “I make a mean sandwich.” He teases, kissing along your jaw. “Go clean up. I’ll get the sandwiches made.” He winks and you shift off of his cock. He will clean himself up in your downstairs bathroom. He shifts to stand up from the sofa, wincing slightly at the ache in his shoulder. He’s pushed himself but he doesn’t care. It was worth it.

**** 

The next two weeks is just a constant cycle of eating and fucking. It’s like the two of you cannot get enough of each other. There are tender moments between the more amorous ones, like the time you had your phone playing music and Dave wanted to dance with you, right there in the kitchen. His staples are removed, his stitches dissolved and he has a temporary prosthetic eye in place underneath the eye patch. You are completely in love with him and it’s obvious he feels the same way, although no words are spoken. “Hey babe, I’m home!” You call out, dropping your bags at the door and looking around for Dave.

Dave puts the finishing touches on the piece he’s been working on for a while. His therapist advised that he paint or draw, see if he can recall his memories while also doing some physio with his hand and arm. He has paint on his shirt but he’s proud of his work. He looks up from the kitchen table and stands, making his way out to help you with your bags with his good arm. “Hey sweetheart. Let me help.” He insists and carries the bags he can manage into the kitchen for you.

“Hey.” You drop a kiss on his cheek and smile at the way he just insists on helping. “How was your day?” You had stopped by and picked up the grocery order on the way home and now it’s just you and him for the weekend. “Get some painting done?”

Dave nods, “yes. I- I want you to see it.” He says, “I painted it…for you.” He confesses, knowing he isn’t the most skilled artist but something seemed to have ignited within him to paint something good enough to give you. He guides you over to the table where the art is still drying and turns to you, “it’s for you. How I- how I feel about you.”

It's beautiful. Not something you would see hung on a national museum's wall, but one that you know is completely from the heart. It's a painting of you. You bite your lip, eyes misting up as you look at him. "I- this is gorgeous." You murmur breathlessly, reaching out and cupping his cheek. "I don't know what is going to happen, but I feel something- a lot - for you." You whisper. "Dave Doe, I fell in love with you." You smile at the use of the generic last name, but your heart knows him.

Dave chuckles and leans in, gripping your waist to pull you closer. “I love you.” He murmurs, feeling like the words are a little hard to get out even though it’s what he feels. Something within him wants him to hold back his emotions, shut them down, but he shakes that off. “I don’t care what happens. If I don’t get my memories back…I have you.” He reassures you, “and you have me.”

“I want you to stay.” You admit softly. “Memories, no memories, I love you.” You promise, aware that you have to seem crazy to some, but you know this man is the man you are supposed to love. Leaning in, you kiss him softly. “I want to make love with you.” Since that first time, you had slept in the downstairs bed with him until he was climbing the stairs to your bedroom. He had never gone back to the in-law suite.

Dave nods, nudging his nose against yours. His hand finds yours as he ignores the groceries and guides you upstairs, his gait is better, more confident. He feels powerful despite his recent limitations. Opening the door to your bedroom, he turns and grabs your waist, pressing his lips to yours without another second to waste.

You are addicted to Dave. Reaching for the hem of his pullover shirt, you lift it over his head and quickly kiss him again. “I love you.” You promise softly, caressing the scars, older ones sprinkled in with the new ones that tell you he had had a dangerous life.

He grabs the hem of your dress, lifting it over your head to expose your underwear and he loves how beautiful you are, how relaxed you are in his presence. Something he knows deep down wasn’t normal with his previous life. He walks you backwards towards your bed, his hands sliding up your back to unclasp your bra and he drags it down your arms to expose your tits. “I want to taste you, baby.” He confesses, throwing your bra across the room as he gently pushes on your chest to get you to lay down.

You moan softly, nodding as you spread your thighs apart. Settling against the pillows and watching as he starts to undress. “You are so sexy, Dave.” You compliment him a lot, but you never lie to him. You find him wildly attractive.

He flusters slightly at your compliment, still unsure of himself after losing his eye and the scars that cover his skin. He shrugs off his shirt and pushes down his jeans along with his boxers to expose his body to you. He groans when you squeeze your breast, your eyes watching him as he kneels on the bed. His hands push under your ass, tilting your hips as he leans in to slide his tongue along your folds.

Dave doesn’t use his mouth often, preferring his hands on you, but when it does - it’s magical. Your gasp of his name echoes around the room and your hips would buck up if he didn’t have a grip on them. Your hands slide down to your tits, palming them. “Fuck baby, fuck, I love you. Love that tongue, love your cock, love everything about you.”

His tongue flicks over your clit and he groans when your hand lets go of your breast and your fingers slide into his hair. He loves when you pull on his hair. He grinds into the sheets as he flicks his tongue over your clit. His fingers squeezing your ass as he tilts your hips higher. His tongue slides down to push into your weeping cunt, his nose pressing against your clit.

Dave turns ravenous, licking into you like a snack cup, making you whimper while he works you over. Your chest heaves and body shakes as his tongue curls deep inside you and the pressure against your clit is increasing. Looking down, you watch him, clenching around his tongue when his eye meets your gaze.

Dave groans, his tongue pushing deep inside of you. "That's it, baby." He murmurs when he pulls away for a second, his hand sliding from under you to pull your folds apart with his fingers, his lips wrapping around your clit and his fingers slide down to push two thick digits inside of you.

“Ohhhh fuck, Dave.” You moan, closing your eyes in pleasure. Your hips roll down and you love how thick his fingers are. They are almost as thick as his cock, but not quite enough. Your walls clench down around his digits and he groans against your clit.

He loves the way you moan his name. It might not be his actual name but it feels so right. He groans and curls his fingers deeper, wanting to feel you clamp down on his fingers. He wants to feel you cum.

He’s not a selfish man, Dave will spend hours between your thighs if it’s what you need to cum. You love that about him. “Oh fuck, baby.” You whimper. “You are so fucking good, I love that tongue.”

Your heels dig into his shoulders but he loves it. He hisses into your cunt and he groans when you tug on his hair again. He sucks on your clit a little harder, fingers pumping in and out of your weeping pussy. He wants to beg you to cum for him but he doesn't want to pull away from your clit.

“You’re so good.” You whine, rocking your hips up. “So good, so good!” You cry out. “Oh god, Dave!” You scream out, body locking up and jerking in pleasure as your orgasm slams through you. “Oh shit! Oh shit!”

He fucking loves when you cum. His eyes closing as you clamp down on his digits. He hums around your clit, working you through it as you soak his fingers. His other hand grips your hips to keep you still so he can make sure you're boneless on the bed before he fucks you.

You love how fucking thorough he is. Love how he just gives you pleasure until you are spent, demands it of you. Making you whimper and moan some more before he decides you’ve had night and his tongue slows down and his fingers start to slowly pull out.

Dave withdraws his fingers, kissing your mound before he turns his head to kiss along your thigh. "So good, baby." He murmurs, shifting to kneel between your legs, his damp fingers wrapping around his cock to pump himself as he watches you recover from your orgasm.

“I need you inside me, baby.” You beg, sliding a foot along his thigh, ready to prop it up onto his hip so he can sink deep inside your cunt. “Fuck, you are so goddamn handsome and mine.” You purr possessively.

He nods, shifting closer, and he looks down at you, a soft smile on his face as you call him yours. "Yours. Like you're mine." He murmurs, notching his cock at your entrance, and he pushes inside of you with a groan. "All mine." He grunts, shifting to hover over you on his elbows, and he leans in to press his lips to yours.

You don’t rush him, feeling the emotional weight of the moment as you wrap your arms around him. Giving into the kiss and closing your eyes while your feet hook behind his back. “All yours, baby.” You promise when he is pulling back to smile at you. “Forever.”

He groans at the news, loving the way you take him, accept him. All of him. Even the missing pieces. “Fuck, I love you.” He murmurs, kissing along your jaw when he starts to move inside of you. Slow. He’s in no rush. He wants to savor this moment with you; the emotional climax before you reach the physical one.

“I love you too.” You whisper, giving him a sincere promise. You don’t care what his background is or what he’s done in his forgotten past. You love him. Even the strangely dark parts of him that he can’t explain.

He rocks into you, his hand finding yours to grip it against the pillow your head is resting on. His fingers tangle with yours while he kisses along your neck. No more words are exchanged as he rocks into you, breathing mingling as his lips hover over yours.

You pant quietly into his mouth, absorbing every thrust of his hips and taking him with an eagerness that cannot even be explained. It’s as if this is your wedding night and you are consummating your vows.

Dave groans, his tongue tangling with yours when he leans in to kiss you. He shifts his weight over to his other side so his free hand can caress you, squeezing your breast.

You moan his name into his mouth, arching up into Dave's touch. Rolling your hips with his steady pace and loving how this has turned into love making. Expressing yourselves with your bodies.

Your legs lift higher on his hips and he groans, pressing his lips against yours over and over. His fingers pinching your nipple but not too rough, just enough to stimulate you. He kisses along your jaw and down your neck, sucking on the skin above your pounding pulse.

"Dave, I love you." You moan, stroking his back and encouraging him with your moans. "I love you so much. So- fuck, so happy you washed up on my beach. Came into my life."

He smiles against your skin at your words, "me too. Fucking - fucking lucky to wash up on your shore. You saved me. My angel. My gorgeous angel." He murmurs, shifting his hand up to your cheek, caressing it before he leans in to kiss you again. "Want you to cum for me, baby." He murmurs, his hand letting go of your cheek and he snakes it between you to rub your clit.

“Oh fuck.” Dave has learned your body, knowing exactly what you need to cum and he’s a master at making that happen. “I love you.” You moan, pressing your lips to his desperately as you fall over the edge, clenching down around his cock.

Dave hisses into your mouth when you clamp down on his cock. He loves it. He loves you. He groans and works you through it, thrusting a half dozen more times until the heaviness of the moment hits and he falls over the edge with a groan of your name. His hot seed paints your walls and he squeezes your hand, your name a gasp from his lips.

The aftermath is always so beautiful, Dave collapsing against your body and panting as he tries to recover. You stroke his back, boneless beneath him. “Fuck, you are so incredible.” You moan softly.

He kisses along your neck, "no. You are. A fucking angel. I love you." He rasps, closing his eyes as he breathes you in and begins to soften inside of you.

You lay there, basking in the warmth of his affection and sigh. Everything is perfect and you hope that it never changes. “I ordered dinner before I got home.” You tell him quietly. “It should be here soon.”

“I amend what I said. You’re a fucking goddess.” He murmurs, pulling out of you and he kisses down your body. Flicking his tongue over your nipples, he continues his journey down your body until he’s settled between your legs again. “Reckon I can make you cum again before the food arrives?” He asks, raising his eyebrows as he pushes your thighs further apart. You nod and moan when he leans in to slide his tongue through your creamy folds. Your moan makes him smile and he knows this is where he belongs. 

**** 

Dave kisses your neck as you stand at the stove, making pancakes for breakfast, and the coffee is brewing. “Have I told you how fucking sexy you are?” He asks, sliding his hands along your hips. “Dave.” You giggle, trying to focus on flipping the pancakes when the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it.” Dave kisses your neck and smacks your ass before he makes his way through the house to the front door. He opens it with a smile still lingering on his face. ���Dave?” A woman gasps and he frowns, “uh, kinda. Do I know you?” He asks and she shakes her head, tears in her eyes. “I’m your wife.”

Dave frowns, pain slicing through his head as his knees buckle from the flood of memories slam through him. His entire life flashing back into place and he groans, feeling her rush forward to touch his shoulder and he remembers her name. “C-Carol.” 

You gasp, dropping the spatula from the doorway to the kitchen when you hear the strange woman announce that she is his wife. Not wanting to believe that it could be true.

Dave feels sick. The memories of the things he’s done. The people he’s killed. The coldness in his veins. Carol knows about it all and he knows you’d hate him if you knew his background. He also remembers Molly and Alice. His girls. He can’t abandon them. His heart is torn between wanting you and pushing you away. You’d be better off without him. You deserve better. He straightens his back just as you walk in and Carol looks between you, immediately realizing what’s happened from the look on your face. “I’ve been searching for you everywhere. I couldn’t get hold of Resnik or the team to track you down. I’ve been trying to find you.” Carol chokes, “the girls…we thought you were dead.”

"He- he had amnesia." You choke out, looking back and forth between the pretty woman - his wife - and Dave. Your Dave was not free, he has a wife - maybe even kids. The idea makes you sick to your stomach and you wish you had been stronger to resist the attraction between you. "He- he washed up on the beach in front of the house. Badly injured." You explain, looking down at the spatula dumbly.

Dave wants to pull you into his arms, kiss you and tell you it’s gonna be okay but he’s a bad man. He’s a murderer and he’s married with kids. He can’t stay with you. He has to go home and back to his old life. He swallows harshly, “I need to go home.” He chokes out, hating how your face immediately scrunches up and your eyes start to water. “He needs to come home to his daughters.” Carol says, reaching out to rub his arm and Dave nearly recoils from her touch. He doesn’t want to go home with Carol. He wants to see his girls.

“I-I know.” You nod quickly. Of course he has daughters. He has a family, a life that doesn’t include you in it. “I- I’m sorry, please give me a minute.” You turn and race up the stairs. Needing to hide your tears and to pack the clothes you had bought for Dave, along with all of his things that have been mixed in with yours.

He watches you go and he swallows down the words he wants to say. That he wants to stay with you. That he loves you. He can’t though, he has to go home and figure out his life. “You have no idea how much effort I’ve put in to find you. I was expecting a body to bury. Not a fucking cheater.” Carol hisses and Dave turns to look at her, “I didn’t remember you. I lost my goddamn memories.” He growls, annoyed at his wife. One that he hasn’t loved for a long time before Robert tried to kill him.

Carol snorts, not believing the convenient lie that would absolve him from his part in the affair. 

“So what? You just happen to shack up with the woman who found you?” She gestures to his eye patch. “You can stop playing your fucking games David, you can fool her, I’m smarter than that.”

Dave scoffs, “it’s not a fucking game. She helped me when I was nearly dead. She saved me.” He hisses when he hears you coming down the stairs. “With her pussy?” Carol rolls her eyes at her husband. His face softens when he sees you and Carol notices that, huffing at the way he looks at you. He has never looked at her like that.

You had cried while shoving everything in a bag and grabbed his medical records. Drying your eyes, you know they are still red rimmed as you come down the stairs with the bag on your shoulder. “He- his medical records are here. His rehabilitation. His appointments for the glass eye.” You can’t look over at Dave, you know you will cry again, so you brace yourself and look into the unhappy face of Dave’s wife. “I didn’t- it- I’m sorry.” You whisper. “He really didn’t remember anything. And the police couldn’t find any record of him. He didn’t- it’s my fault. Blame me. Don’t blame him.” You hold out the records for her to take.

Dave shakes his head, “it’s not your fault. It’s mine. My past…it caught up to me.” He confesses and reaches for you to pull you into his arms. He breathes you in and pulls back a few seconds later to kiss your forehead. He wants to tell you he loves you but he knows that won’t help you at this moment. He steps back, turning his head so he doesn’t have to look at your face as he braces himself to leave your home. “Thank you. For everything.” He says when his eyes finally meet yours. You nod, your throat tight with emotion. Carol grabs the bag from you and touches her husband’s arm. “Let’s get you home.” She says, emphasizing the word. He nods, trying to commit your face to memory before Carol clears her throat and he steps back to exit your home, the place he came to call home.

The door clicks closed and the house is silent, mournfully so. Leaving you to absorb the fact that Dave - who really was Dave - is gone. And you didn’t even get his last name. Choking out a sob, you don’t care that the pancakes are burning or that the bacon is getting cold. You don’t care about anything, your heart is breaking, bleeding out of your chest. The man you love is gone.

**** 

“Daddy!” “You’re home!” The girls rush up to Dave and he kneels down, wrapping his arms around them and kissing their heads. “I missed you.” He murmurs into their hair, pulling back a second later. “Daddy! You have an eye patch.” Alice points out and Molly giggles, “you look like a pirate.” Dave chuckles, “yeah. Daddy had an accident and he’s sorry he wasn’t here but he is now. I love you. Both of you. So much.” He murmurs, hugging them close again and he hates how he’s had to leave you but his girls need him.

Carol stands back, watching the girls with their father and she’s still suspicious. From the looks of the folder, it’s true that he had amnesia, he didn’t remember her or the girls. But she still isn’t happy with the way Dave had looked at you. His heart was in his eyes and despite knowing all his secrets, accepting him for who he is, having his children - he never looked at her like that.

****

Dave tries to settle back in at home but it’s hard. He isn’t the same man. He doesn’t go back to work for the DIA. He can’t. Robert is still out there and he doesn’t know if he knows Dave is alive. It’s been a few months that Dave has been home and he can’t stop thinking about you. The television is playing some show Carol likes and he isn’t paying attention to it. Carol notices. She’s picked up how distant her husband is. He doesn’t touch her, he doesn’t kiss her. He is a different person. He isn’t the killer she knew when she married him. He’s softer…not as rough. Not the man she desired. 

“You thinking about her?” Carol asks without warning, making Dave turn to look at her. “Who?” He asks, trying to act indifferent. She says your name, “I know you love her. The way you looked at her…you never looked at me like that.” She murmurs and Dave opens his mouth to try and protest but she stops him. “I don’t want you here if you don’t want me.” She says and Dave shakes his head, “but we are married.” Carol scoffs, “Dave. Don’t be ridiculous. You might not have died that day but you changed. You’re not the man I married. Go back to her. I never expected to lose you to a nurse…another agent maybe, but not someone…nice. Go back to her and if you want to come home, I’ll let you come back. You need to decide what you want. I don’t want a half marriage.” She confesses and Dave is speechless. He never expected her to be so selfless. “I need to decide.” He agrees, knowing he will be selfish, leaving his wife and his girls but once he decides, he will figure everything out. He knows he needs to see you again.

You hum to yourself, to your stomach as you work on the cake you are baking. Your life has been changed by Dave. You had discovered that you were pregnant after he had left and there was never a doubt in your mind if you were keeping the baby. It was the last piece you had of him, even if you planned to never let him know that he had a son or daughter with you. You couldn’t do that, even if you wanted to, you don’t know his last name. Pouring the last of the batter into the pan, you turn to place it in the oven and set the timer.

Dave shifts from one foot to the other, his bag on his shoulder and he takes a deep breath before he rings the doorbell. You don’t answer right away, opening the door several moments later and his eye widens as your head peaks around the corner. “Hey sweetheart.” He murmurs, his heart pounding in his chest.

You freeze, eyes wide when you see Dave and you immediately look behind him. Hoping that his wife isn’t here too, “what are you doing here?” You demand. “You can’t- Dave, you can’t be here.”

“I left her. Carol…she told me to come see you because I wasn’t - she knew my heart wasn’t with her. She wanted me to come back and if I returned to her, then she’d accept me back. If not, she would accept that too. She doesn’t want a ghost as her husband. I came back because I- I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you, baby.” Dave chokes, his chest tightening as you narrow your eyes at him.

“Dave- you have a family.” You whisper, guilt flooding your entire body as you straighten up and step through the door, showing him the rounded belly that houses his child. “I’m- we’re fine.” You caress your stomach. “I love you and I know that you need to be with them. They had you before I did.”

Dave’s eye widens at the sight of your round belly. He gasps and his hand reaches out towards you until he lowers it. “Baby…you’re - Jesus. I left you - you’re - shit.” He chokes and shakes his head. “I have my daughters but Carol - I don’t love her. I love you. Please. Let me - I want you. Shit. Our child.” He can’t believe you’re pregnant.

“What’s your last name?” You ask softly, reaching out and taking his hand so he can feel the baby. “I didn’t think to ask that day and you never came back.” You start to tear up, having missed him every day since he walked out your door.

“York. David Anthony York. I was born April 2nd, 1975.” He tells you, wanting you to know everything about him. He has to tell you the dark parts, his past. You deserve to know. His hand caresses your bump and his eye widens when he feels the kick. “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” He asks, not caring either way, he wants a healthy baby.

You smile softly. “It’s a boy.” You tell him, remembering the day you had seen the very obvious boy parts on the screen. “I know you have girls, but hopefully you would be happy with a boy?”

Dave smiles, “I’d be happy with either. A healthy baby. But a boy…our boy.” He murmurs, wanting to kiss you but he refrains, knowing you might not want that. “God, our boy.” He says softly, his heart pounding and he caresses your stomach.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” You ask softly, afraid of waking up and finding this to be a dream. You would be completely heartbroken. “I have every intention of raising this little boy on my own. You don’t have to give up your life for me.”

“I’m not giving up my life. I died that day. The person I was died. You saved me. Gave me a new life. Baby, I need - I need to talk to you. I need to tell you what my life was. You need to know everything. Can we sit and talk?” He asks, adjusting his bag over his shoulder.

“Of course we can.” You nod and motion towards the kitchen. “Do you want some coffee?” You ask. “I’m drinking herbal teas these days, but I’m assuming you still like coffee.” You have a few muffins from your last batch, having started baking as a hobby during your pregnancy. It’s nesting you can only assume. “We can talk in the kitchen. I have a cake in the oven.”

“That sounds good, sweetheart.” Dave says as sets his bag down, following you into the kitchen. You start on making him a cup of coffee and he sits down at the kitchen table, watching you with a soft smile on his face. He’s missed you. So much. You set the cup of coffee down, still remembering how he likes it, and he admires the muffin you put in front of him. “Cake smells delicious too.” He says, “have you been working?” He asks, curious how you’ve been coping.

“I picked up a lot of shifts.” You nod, stirring the tea as it infuses with the hot water. “Practically lived at the hospital the first month.” You shoot him a guilty look and look back down at the cup in your hands. “Being here was….hard.” Despite having lived here for years before Dave’s arrival in your life, he had managed to ingrain himself into every corner of the home, expecting to see him every time you walked into a room. “I’m back to my normal shifts now. Because of the baby.”

“You need to be relaxing.” He tuts, “you should be resting, not rushing around a hospital.” He shakes his head and takes a sip of the coffee. “I’ve missed you. So much. I didn’t - I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“How are your girls?” You ask softly. “You have more than one, obviously. What are their names?” You’ve missed him too, but you want to know if he really is prepared to have them live in a split household. “I was thinking about you too.” You admit softly.

Dave reaches for your hand, “they are good. I have two. Alice and Molly. They have picked up that something has changed. Molly asked me why I’m so sad. Carol heard it. That’s why- I think that’s what pushed her to send me away.” He confesses, “I don’t - I don’t want to rock their world but what good am I as their father if my heart and mind are miles away?”

You feel your heart break and mend all at the same time. Squeezing his hand gently. “Dave, I-“ you are interrupted by the sound of another man’s voice. The same man who had come to visit you just days after Carol had come to take him away. “I knew I would find you here, Dave.” Your head turns to find Robert McCall standing in the doorway of your kitchen. You hadn’t even heard him come in. “That was a mistake.”

Dave stands up immediately, cursing himself for not having a gun. He hasn’t held one since before the accident. He shifts to stand in front of you, “McCall. I’m guessing you’ve come to finish the job. I get it. Just - just not here. Not in front of her.” Dave pleads slightly, holding his hands out in front of him.

You stand up, moving in front of Dave as Mr. McCall points the gun in his hand at the man you love. “Please. Don’t do this.” You murmur softly. “He's a good man. He’s- we are having a baby.” You remind him, caressing your stomach. “He has two daughters. Don’t leave them without their father.”

Dave looks at Robert over your shoulder before he shifts to stand in front of you again, “can I at least say goodbye?” He requests and McCall nods. Dave turns around to face you, his hands immediately cupping your cheeks after you stood up for him and he presses his lips to yours. A kiss to tell you thank you for everything, to say he’s sorry. A kiss to tell you how much he loves you. “I love you. So much. You’re everything. You and my children. I- tell our boy his daddy loved him. Don’t lie and tell him I was a good man because I’m not. I’ve done horrible things and they - my past - caught up to me. I love you.” He murmurs, pressing his forehead against yours as he breathes you in.

You start to cry, tears streaming down your cheeks and you can’t help it. You turn to Robert. “This man dances in the kitchen with me.” You sob. “He- he paints and he listens to music with joy and love. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone anymore.” You are begging for his life, but you would do it. “If you kill him, you will have to kill me first.” You declare. “Are you willing to kill an innocent woman? Her baby inside her?”

Robert stares at you for a moment before his eyes flick over to Dave. He doesn't look like the man he knew. Gone is that hardness in his gaze, the tension in his jaw. He looks like a man who wants to live but is willing to die for his family. The Dave York he knew would never sacrifice himself for anyone. "Don't kill her. Kill me. I - fuck - not her. Me." Dave begs, stepping in front of you again. Robert narrows his eyes, assessing the man in front of him. He raises his gun and you scream but Dave shoves you back, his hands shaking slightly, and that's when Robert lowers the gun. "You've changed." He observes and Dave nods, "I don't - that isn't me anymore." He confesses, "I just want to be with my family." Robert tilts his head, "and you will. If I hear a goddamn word about you being back in the circles, you're a dead man. I will kill you without hesitation and you won't know when it will happen." Robert threatens and Dave nods, "understood." Robert looks over at you, nodding his head, "be safe." He orders and spins on his heel, heading down the hall. You gasp after a few seconds and Dave spins, running his hands over your body. "Are you okay?" He asks, needing to reassure himself that you're safe.

“I’m- I’m okay.” You assure him shakily and cling to him. Trying to steady your breath as you run your own hands over him. You had thought he was going to be killed and you couldn’t live with that. “I- I can’t- he was going to kill you.” You whimper, tears spilling over your lashes again. “I couldn’t- I love you.”

Dave reaches out to wipe your tears away with his thumbs, "don't. He - he's gone now, baby. You're safe." Dave doesn't know that for sure but he won't waste time worrying about Robert coming to kill him. He has already lived more than he ever planned to. He could've been killed that fateful day he washed up on shore. "I love you. I love you." He repeats, leaning in to kiss your lips, his hands cupping your cheeks as he closes his eyes and relishes the fact that you are safe.

“I want-“ you close your eyes and lean into his kisses. “I want you to stay.” You admit quietly. “I want you to stay with me and the baby. It’s selfish and I shouldn’t want it, but I do. I want you to stay.”

"I want to stay. I don't want to go back to Carol. She knows that. The girls...we will share custody and Carol can have the house. I want to be with you. Our son. The girls. My family." He chokes and kisses your lips again. "Let me - I need to feel you." He murmurs, his body burning from the adrenaline and the emotions.

You nod, reaching up to cup his cheek. “Anything you want.” You promise softly. “I’m yours, Dave.” You start to unbutton his shirt, also desperate to make sure he is really there. “Wait.” A thought crosses your mind and you pull back. “Have you- um- since you’ve been back with Carol-“ you don’t want to risk the baby’s health if he’s slept with his wife.

Dave shakes his head, "no. I have been sleeping in the guest room. I haven't touched her. I couldn't. Not when - not when you were all I could think about." He confesses, his hands sliding down to the hem of your shirt but he doesn't move to pull it over your head, not without you saying yes.

“My body has changed.” You warn him softly even though he would be aware of that since he has a wife and children.

He scoffs, "yeah. You're even more fucking beautiful." He says and you let him lift your shirt over your head. He sighs, shifting to kneel down in front of you, his hands caressing your belly. "Hi buddy. It's daddy. I'm here. I'm sorry it took me so long but I'm home." He murmurs, leaning in to press kisses to your stomach.

You bite your lip, running your fingers through his hair gently. Watching as he coos to the child you had created together. “I love you so much, Dave.”

He looks up at you, his hands sliding lower to your leggings. “I want to taste you again.” He murmurs, pulling your leggings down along with your panties. He leans in to breathe you in, nose buried in the curls at the apex of your thighs after he ducks under your belly. The leggings around your ankles as he nuzzles your sex with his nose.

“Dave.” Your eyes widen slightly and you grab onto the back of the chair. You hadn’t expected him to be so eager he couldn’t wait for the bedroom, but maybe you should have. He’s always been eager for you. Now, your belly is big enough that you can’t see him and you whine softly. “I need you, Dave.”

He nudges your legs apart with his shoulders, tilting his head so he can slide his tongue through your folds with a groan as soon as your tangy arousal hits his taste buds. His hands find your ass, keeping you stable and tilting your hips so he has more access to you.

You moan loudly, aware that there could be anyone to hear you, maybe even Robert if he had not left. You don’t care, let him hear. Dave’s tongue carves a path through your folds and you whimper his name again, clenching around nothing.

Dave groans when you moan loud enough to echo in your small kitchen. He hisses when you rock your hips down and his cock presses against the zipper of his jeans. He smacks your ass playfully, working your pussy over his face while you reach down to tangle your fingers in his hair.

“Fuck baby.” Your head rolls back in pleasure. “Missed you so much. Fuck, I missed you. So much.” You whimper, tugging on his hair slightly. “My fingers and vibrator weren’t enough. Could never replace you.”

Dave groans at your confession, wanting to see that sometime, and he can feel how close you are with the way you’re tugging on his fingers. “Need you to cum for me.” He rasps as he pulls back for a moment. “Want to feel it. See it.” He pleads and resumes sucking on your clit.

You are so sensitive. So sensitive from the pregnancy. Whining softly, you feel the tension building in your core and it’s only a few short sucks to your clit later that you are cumming. Crying out his name, your thighs tremble and you rely on his strength to keep you upright. “Dave! Fuck! Dave!”

Dave loves the way you cry out his name. It sounds so sweet from your lips. “That’s it, baby. So perfect.” He murmurs, caressing your thighs as you recover from his onslaught. “I love you.” He declares again, kissing your belly and his cock is pressing against his zipper.

“Dave, I want you inside me.” You murmur, voice thick with pleasure. “On the table.” You decide, reaching down for him. “I can’t wait for the bedroom.”

He knows he should insist on the bedroom but he feels just as desperate to touch you. He shifts to stand up, carefully spinning you around and grabbing your thighs to lift you up onto the table. It shifts slightly and he reaches down to unbuckle his belt, hands fumbling as he tries to take his hard cock out of his jeans.

“You have me, baby.” You lean back on the table on your elbows and look up at him. “I’m all yours and you’re mine.” It’s humbling to know that he chose you, he put aside his life- his entire being-to be with you.

Dave leans in to press his lips to yours, loving how you so easily give all of yourself to him. He’s done terrible things in his past life and you don’t judge him. He grips his cock, pumping himself a couple of times before he notches the head at your entrance, his eye flicking up to your face to watch you as he pushes into you with a groan.

It’s different now that you are pregnant. Your walls are more sensitive, clenching down around him while your head rolls back on a moan. Hes thicker, that’s the only explanation for how fucking good he feels inside you. “Dave…..” you whimper. “More, baby, I need you.”

He doesn’t deny you. His hands caressing your body, and he squeezes your breast as he starts to move inside of you. “I’ll give you what you want. Whatever you want.” He vows, rocking into you with a groan. “So fucking gorgeous.” He murmurs, “full of my baby.”

You love him. You moan his name, loving how he is grinding up into you. Loving that he is here. With you. You know that things will need to be worked out, details seen to, but he’s with you. Hopefully Carol won’t deny him time with the girls. “Your baby.” You caress your stomach and smile. “You claimed me.”

Dave shakes his head, “you found me. You saved me. Shit baby. You - you’re a goddamn angel and I don’t deserve you. The things I’ve done…I don’t deserve you.” He pants, leaning down to take your nipple into his mouth, wanting to hear you cry out with pleasure.

“You deserve the world.” You insisted, crying out when he bites down on your nipple gently. “Baby, baby, I’m going to cum, you’re going make me cum!” You squeal, reaching down and rubbing your clit to give you that extra stimulation you need.

He bats your hand away, wanting to control your pleasure, and he hisses when you clamp down around him. “That’s it baby. Take it all. Cum for me.” He pleads, watching your eyes squeeze shut and you hold your breath as you start to clamp down around his cock. “That’s it baby. Shit. You’re so tight.” He hisses as you squeeze his length and soak him. “Shit.” He pants, trying to rock you through it and it’s been months since he came. He refused to have sex with Carol. He is pent up and it doesn’t take more than a half dozen thrusts for him to push deep and paint your walls with his hot cum.

You whine at the feeling, loving how he fills you up. Riding out your high, you watch his face. Enjoying the way his brow smooths out and his face contorted in pleasure as he rocks himself through it. “Soo good, baby.” You mumble thickly, smiling lazily. “Feels so good.”

He leans down to kiss you, mindful of your bump, and he nudges his nose against yours, “love you.” He whispers, his hand caressing your bump and he sighs when you kiss his chin. He knows he’s made the right decision to come back to you. 

**** 

“Girls. Girls. You gotta wait for them to cool down.” You chuckle at Alice and Molly trying to grab one of the freshly cooked cookies from the tray. “You’ll burn your fingers.” Dave tuts as he walks into the kitchen, your son, Anthony, in his arms. “He needs feeding, babe. I’ll deal with the cookie monsters.” He says, coming over to you to slide the baby into your arms. The girls squeal when he growls and rushes towards them in the kitchen. “Cookie monsters.” He playfully growls and they squeal, running into the living room. “They will be back before too long.” You chuckle, taking your breast out to feed the baby. “And before they are, I gotta tell you something…the divorce is final. As of this morning. So there’s something I want to do.” Dave reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small box. “You saved me. In so many ways. You saved my life. You saved my morality. You saved me from a job that nearly got me killed. You’re my angel and there isn’t a single day that I don’t thank God for you and our family. Will you let me make an honest woman of you? Marry me?” He asks, opening the box to display the diamond ring inside.

Your eyes widen in surprise, sure that despite divorcing Carol, Dave wouldn’t want to get married again. You were fine with that because you know what you mean to him. “Dave….” holding your son, you can’t fall into his arms but you immediately nod. “Yes! Yes, of course baby, I love you so much.” You promise, tears slipping down your cheeks.

He grins, leaning in to kiss you. After a few moments, he pulls back to take the ring out of the box. He slides it onto your left hand after you shift the baby over into your elbow and he looks down at the diamond on your finger. “Beautiful.” He murmurs, his eyes flicking up to you. The girls rush back into the kitchen and their eyes widen at the ring on your finger. “Oh it’s so pretty.” The girls coo. They were cautious at first, upset at mommy and daddy living apart but they have grown to love you. Dave grins, looking at his children before he looks at you and winks. No longer a killer, you saved his life and you saved his soul.

[wileys-russo]

I just got done reading your fic ‘passenger princess’ and I would a another small fic of Y/n actually buying a car or she’s makes Alessia think bought one.

Instead she rented it out for the week and Alessia hates the fact that she doesn’t have her passenger princess. And instead she becomes one for the week and girl tease her about to.

(Please only write if you want!)

passenger princess ficlet II a.russo x reader

little follow up ficlet to the original fic here passenger princess ficlet II a.russo x reader

"-and you think this is a good idea given the fact you two spent an entire day at one anothers throats already. about this exact argument which shouldn't have even been an argument in the first place?" leah sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as you nodded enthusastically.

"yes." you confirmed, the blonde sighing deeply. "i don't know how she puts up with you honestly, the poor girl deserves an award." your national captain shook her head, grabbing her empty lunch tray and standing as your jaw dropped. "leah!" you scoffed after her in offence, crossing your arms over your chest with a huff at her lack of support.

"you told her your plan?" lia chuckled, returning from the bathroom and watching the interaction as you nodded. "i thought she would be supportive but she basically told me i'm a terrible girlfriend and alessia deserves an award for putting up with me." you pouted at the older girl as you stood to join her.

"leah!" the swiss woman shoved the blonde who returned, swiftly glaring at the two of you. "what? she's a numpty and i personally am tired of having to pretend that she isn't an enormous pain in my side." leah shrugged as you again scoffed, launching at her and jumping on her back.

you clung on tightly as the three of you walked out of the lunch room and toward the gym for your final session of the day. "get off!" leah demanded trying to shake you but having no luck as you latched onto her.

"less help!" leah whined as your girlfriend entered the gym, laughing at something victoria said. "having to get someone else to fight your battles for you? some captain." you tutted, arm locked around leah's neck as the woman mumbled under her breath about how she wished she could drown you in the recovery pool.

"you either get off me right now or next camp i'll make you do hill sprints and burpees till you throw up." leah warned seriously as you rolled your eyes but dropped off her none the less, hurrying away toward your girlfriend before the older blonde could retaliate.

"partner up with me?" your girlfriend requested, pulling you into a warm hug as you nodded, flipping leah off over her shoulder as the blondes lips tugged into a smile and she turned away trying to hide it.

the older girl had been looking out for you for years and loved you like the younger sister she never had, so you knew she couldn't ever really stay mad at you.

"how was lunch?" you asked, laughing quietly feeling your girlfriend start to sway the two of you, refusing to let go of the tight hug you were sharing. "good, missed you though." she confessed, placing a discreet kiss to your neck and releasing you from her hold.

the two of you had made a pact to try and not spend every waking minute with one another at trainings, given the fact you lived together and were practically together almost every minute of each day you didn't want it to put any strain on anything now you were playing together as well.

"so i've been meaning to talk to you about something." you started, standing above the blonde spotting her as you all focused on upper body for the last twenty minutes of the session. "and now is a good time?" your girlfriend heaved as she racked the bar up and caught her breath for a moment, sweat beading at her forehead.

"it's nothing bad baby i promise." you chuckled as she reached back up for the bar again and nodded for you to add extra weight on. "are you sure?" you questioned, holding your hands up in a silent apology at the firm look she sent you, adding an extra 5kg onto each end at her request.

"go on then." alessia encouraged, reaching up for the bar as you helped her to lift it, watching carefully as she did her reps. "mm?" you hummed, distracted by the way her arms rippled and flexed as she pressed.

"what did you want to speak to me about love?" alessia smiled, knowing exactly what had you so distracted, the exact reason she'd added on weight being to impress you anyway, not that after years of dating she even had to try.

"i bought a car." you announced casually but suddenly, eyes widening as alessia's arms suddenly dropped, the bar landing on her neck with a loud thump as you hurried to help her lift it back up onto the rack.

"lessi are you alright?" you squatted down, hands on her leg and eyes shining with concern as the blonde struggled to catch her breath, waving away a few of the trainers who wandered closer to check on her.

"you did what?" alessia managed to spit out, eyes locked with yours as you bit your bottom lip. "i bought a car?" you smiled innocently, helping your girlfriend to her feet as the timers sounded for everyone to switch. "and exactly why have you gone and done that?" alessia demanded, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring down at you as you took a seat on the bench.

"because i can?" you shrugged, laying down and gesturing for her to remove some of the weight, everyone instructed to start light and add on with more reps completed. "you don't need a car though." alessia continued, doing as you'd asked as you lay down and waited.

"everyone with a license can find a need for a car less." you laughed, knowing you were already getting under her skin and you'd barely put your plan into action. "not girls who have girlfriends who drive them everywhere." alessia reminded as you grabbed onto the bar, lowering it and beginning your first set.

"i cannot believe you'd just go ahead and do this without running it past me." alessia shook her head, scowl set deep into her features. "what like you consulted me before dropping almost four grand on a bag?" you challenged, eyes flickering up toward her as you racked the bar again.

"okay firstly, that bag was for you. secondly thats different to buying a car! where did you get it? what did you get? when does it come?" the striker fired question after question at you, adding on more weight as you commenced your second set.

"i'm a financially independent woman alessia i can spend my money on whatever i want. and technically i told you last week i was going to buy a car!" you reminded with a smile, racking the bar and catching your breath for a moment, arms burning.

"i thought that was a joke! and i told you that you weren't allowed anyway." alessia huffed, bright blue eyes staring down at you filled with irratation as you simply smiled up at her.

"and when have i ever done what you've told me to?"

~

"you're seriously not going to tell me anything about it?" alessia scoffed, hands tightening their grip on the steering wheel of her own car as she drove the two of you home. "nope." you popped the p with a grin, changing songs.

"hey i liked that one!" alessia complained with a frown, you rolling your eyes and skipping back to it as she smiled. "soak it in though." you added on, tucking your knees up to your chest as the taller girl gave you a confused look.

"soon enough my love you'll be here and i'll be there." you teased, gesturing to her seat and yours causing the blonde to let out a loud sarcastic bark of laughter. "oh baby you must have gotten too much sun today, you're so cute." alessia pouted mockingly as she turned the corner into your street.

"am i?" you smirked as she pulled into your driveway, slamming on the brakes seeing an unfamiliar car already parked in it. "you bought that?" alessia spat out, edging forwards to pull in next to the unfamiliar vehicle as you hummed, unbuckling yourself.

"oh no no no no. no fucking way you're getting behind the wheel in that!" alessia scoffed as the two of you slid out of her car, the blonde popping her trunk and grabbing out your kit bags.

"i already have, had to test drive it first!" you winked, sauntering toward the front door as alessia hovered behind, eyes roaming the sleek black porsche panamera parked in the driveway.

"how did it even get here?" alessia questioned, following you inside and dropping your bags by the door as you sat down to take your trainers off. "well baby when a mummy car and a daddy car love each other very much they-" you started to explain, cut off as alessia threw her own shoe at your head.

"james picked it up for me and dropped it off while we were at training, he works at the dealership so they gave me a sizeable discount too." you grinned, standing and heading toward the kitchen to start dinner hearing alessia follow after you.

for the next half hour she fired question after question your way, and you'd done your research so you were able to answer everything without a moments hesitation, only angering the blonde further.

"i actually cannot believe you. i'm going for a shower!" alessia scoffed, pushing herself up and storming off toward your bedroom, the door slamming after her.

with an amused smile you grabbed your phone and clicked call, settling in in between your shoulder and your ear as you continued to prep dinner, your older brother eventually answering after a few rings.

"it's perfect." you grinned right away, hearing his chuckle on the other end of the line. "i know. but i was serious if there is even the essence of any sort of scratch or mark or dent on it i swear to god you're dead." he warned seriously as you rolled your eyes, moving to toss the peppers into a pan.

"yes i know james i will take extra good care of your baby, i promised didn't i? why does everyone think i'm such a bad driver? the only reason i don't drive is because less actually won't let me!" you huffed, glancing over your shoulder to confirm your bedroom door was still closed, shower running in distance.

"you're an evil evil little woman sometimes." your brother sighed though you could hear his smile through the phone, the two of you always being incredibly close despite your six year age gap.

"she needs to learn her lesson one way or another! she's lucky i didn't actually buy a car." you grinned, switching your phone to the other ear as you began to cook off the vegetables in front of you.

"remind me again why you didn't?" he sighed, having loaned you his car for the next two days after much much begging on your behalf. "i don't really need one. i quite like having her drive me round everywhere, not that i'd ever tell her that." you admitted with a shrug.

"then pray tell why all this drama and winding her up for?" "well because i'd still like to drive the mercedes every now and then, and she won't let me!" "and you think this will make her more inclined to let that happen?" "yes, yes i do." "i hope its nice in this land of grand delusion you live in, i'll come visit at christmas." "ha, ha, ha. hilarious!"

the two of you spent a little more time catching up, organizing that james would collect his car from you on sunday after the match, himself and his fiance coming to watch you play.

you glanced up as you heard the bedroom door open, bidding your brother a quick goodbye and another quiet assurance you would be careful before ending the call.

"dinner's nearly done baby." you called out, your girlfriend ignoring you as she retreated to the living room and you heard the tv click on, shaking your head at her immaturity as you left her be and finished up cooking.

"kiss for the chef?" you held out her plate a few minutes later, the blonde sending you a glare and taking her plate, settling it on her lap and tugging her hood over her head as you smiled and took a seat beside her, the two of you eating in silence bar the sound of the tv in front of you.

having washed everything up and showered yourself you decided you were done with receiving the silent treatment, standing right in front of your stubborn blonde lover with a smile. "move." alessia grumbled, kicking at you half heartedly as you blocked her view of the screen.

"you're not seriously going to be moody all night over this are you?" you laughed, raising an eyebrow as the blonde shuffled across, craning her head to watch the tv past you as you sighed. "get off." alessia ordered as you flopped on top of her, moving to straddle her lap, arms locked around her neck tugging her hood down as she tried to move you off of her.

"lessi baby come on, you're being immature." you warned, playing with the baby hairs on the back of her neck with a coy smile. you could tell she wanted to argue that but chose to remain silent, folding her arms over her chest and leaning back into the lounge trying to put some space in between you.

"you know you can't stay mad at me, you're not even really that mad." you whispered in her ear, knowing exactly how to get her attention back on you as you pressed your face into her neck, tugging on her earlobe teasingly with your teeth.

you heard a quiet huff and a mumble for you to stop but you shook your head, shifting on top of her and softly kissing her neck a few times. "come on baby, talk to me." you whispered, grabbing her hands and forcing them to uncross, settling them on your hips as you pressed your forehead to hers.

"i'm simply just too gorgeous to ignore." you grinned, watching as the striker bit down on her bottom lip, clearly trying to stifle her smile as she tried to remain stoney faced.

"you're really gonna let a pretty girl sit on your lap, kiss your neck and not even smile at her? that's just bad manners baby." you tutted with a smirk, hands grabbing her face and forcing her to look up at you.

"i'm not sorry i bought it but i'm sorry i didn't tell you." you spoke, pecking her lips repeatedly until eventually her hands squeezed your hips, pushing you away slightly. "come on, you know i'm gonna look good driving it." you grinned, wiggling your eyebrows as the blonde finally cracked.

"you are truly truly insufferable to be in love with sometimes you know that?" alessia sighed, her hands sliding up the inside of your top and pulling you in closer again as your head dipped and you latched your lips to the sweet spot of her neck just below her jaw.

the blondes breath hitched and her fingers dug in tighter to your hips as your teeth sank into the warm skin, tongue running over the fast forming hickey to soothe the sting as alessia's right hand flew to the back of your head, pressing your face into her neck with a quiet demand you keep going.

"maybe, but you're still in love with me anyway."

~

you glanced up from your phone hearing your girlfriend yell your name from the front door, hearing her footsteps thump toward you as you zipped up your kit bag. "where are my keys?" alessia demanded, bright blue eyes menacingly staring you down.

"your keys? baby would i know where your keys are?" you played dumb, knowing exactly where they were given you'd hidden them before going to bed last night.

"i am only going to warn you once. go and get them, and give them to me. now!" alessia warned, scarily calm. "my love i would but i don't know where they are. and if we don't leave now we're going to be late, and i don't really fancy running laps for that today, do you?" you smiled, stealing a kiss as she scoffed and you made a beeline for the door.

"and just exactly how are we getting to training then genius?" alessia questioned, grabbing her bag from the dining room table, sighing heavily as you turned to her, smug smile on your lips as you twirled your own keys around on your finger.

"i'm driving, passenger princess."

~

"i can't deal with this much longer. i'm driving home!" alessia growled as she flopped down in the chair beside you, ready for video debriefing for their upcoming match against Everton in a couple days time.

"no you are not. i'm not allowed to drive your mercedes? you're not allowed to drive my porsche." you smiled as she sent you daggers, wanting nothing more than to smack the smug look right off your face.

"hey russo do you need your missus to straighten your chair for ya too?" katie teased, harshly kicking the back of the girls chair causing it to swivel round as she settled in behind you both, alessia having been teased all day by your team mates about the fact she'd been demoted to passenger princess, most of them already keyed into our plan.

"fuck off macca." your girlfriend grumbled spinning around again as you sent katie a beaming grin, the irishwoman winking at you and ruffling alessia's hair, yanking her hand back as the girl lunged at her.

"so less, tell us a bit about your first experience being cuffed by your woman? how does it feel to lose your lady balls?" jen turned around from in front of you and asked holding out a fake micrphone in the blondes direction, and if looks could kill the scot would be ten feet under.

"alright alright lay off her would ya!" beth stuck up for her national team mate who sent her an appreciative smile.

"besides girls the world needs passenger princesses, there's no shame in switching sides." the older girl added on with a wicked grin as alessia groaned and buried her face in her hands, jonas and the training staff clapping for everyones attention.

the onslaught of teasing continued throughout the rest of the session, alessia resorting to throwing her headphones on over her ears as she stormed out of the change room.

"you need to put that poor girl out of her misery, this is enough!" lia warned, pinching your leg as you whined and leaned into leah on your other side who wrapped an arm round you.

"yeah you made your point mate, time to give her a break." the older blonde agreed with her work wife, kissing the side of your head affectionately before pushing you away and standing.

"give her a break? need i remind you its normally me being relentlessly teased by everyone? if its not for the passenger princess status its for something else she's dropped me in!" you huffed, tugging your spray jacket on.

"ah to be young and in love." leah sang out, patting your head and again telling you to come clean as lia agreed, causing you to sigh deeply as you followed them out of the change rooms and toward the parking lot.

hugging both older women goodbye you wandered to where your girlfriend stood beside your brothers car, sour look on her face and headphones slung around her neck as her eyes searched for you, finally spotting you walk toward her.

you didn't unlock it at first, making a point to gently nudge her out of the way, allowing you to open her door for her with a charming smile. "only the best passenger princess treatment for you baby." you gestured for her to get in as she sighed but remained silent as she slid into the car and you closed the door after her.

"oh god lessi please no!" you groaned as you pulled out of the lot, country music filling the car as alessia connected to the blue tooth. "passenger princess chooses the music baby girl." alessia smirked, making a point to turn it up louder and start singing along as you rolled your eyes.

after an insufferably western drive home you sighed in relief as you parked up in the driveway besides your girlfriends white merc, smacking her on the leg with a frown as she called out that she missed it today, blowing the car a kiss.

the moment both your feet crossed the thresh hold of your shared home, the door closed and you squealed as alessia roughly pushed you against it. "so where are my keys then?" the taller girl quirked an eyebrow, smile playing on her lips as her body trapped you against the door.

"what if i could tell you something even better than that?" you challenged, tilting your head to the side making her sigh lightly. "or, you just tell me where they are, now." your girlfriend requested again, hands slipping up your top, her palm pushing against your abs holding you even tighter against the wood behind you.

"okay. firstly, they're in the wardobe under the shoe rack." you started as alessia sighed, raising an eyebrow as you continued. "secondly; i didn't buy a car." you grinned, your girlfriend stepping away from you with a frown, following after you as you moved around her.

"what do you mean you didn't buy a car?" alessia questioned, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "i didn't buy a car." you shrugged and grabbed two protein smoothies out of the fridge, handing one to the blonde and pulling yourself up to sit on the counter.

"baby i'm going to need you to explain more than just those five words please." alessia sighed, moving to stand in between your legs. "that's not my car, it's james. he let me borrow it for a few days to teach you a lesson!" you smiled, taking a sip as alessia's jaw dropped.

"sorry, you what?"

"admit it, you didn't hate being a passenger princess and i look hot behind the wheel." you grinned, swinging your legs to and fro as your girlfriend looked on dumbfounded. "so let me check i'm following. that car, not yours?" alessia questioned as you hummed with a nod.

"alessia!" you laughed as she buried her face in your chest with a loud groan, the vibrating sensation somewhat ticklish. "thank god." the girl sighed, hugging you tightly as she remained bent over, her face pressed into your chest as you fondly carded your hands through her hair.

"you're not mad?" you smiled as she tilted her head up, chin resting on your sternum as she looked up at you. "oh i am furious, but also quite impressed? and a little bit dumbfounded that you managed that so easily." she sighed with a shake of her head, your hands still playing with her hair.

"never underestimate a woman scorned." you teased, your lips meeting hers in a tender kiss as alessia straightened up, arms wrapping around you, hands pressing into the small of your back and pulling your body as close into hers as she could get.

"but do you admit its not terrible to be a passenger princess sometimes?" you pulled away and raised an eyebrow questioningly. "its not terrible." alessia agreed as you grinned happily. "maybe i will give you some driving lessons in my mercedes, maybe." the taller girl agreed as your grin widenened.

"buzzin!" you mocked her thick accent causing her to pout. "i do not say that all the time!" she whined, head falling to your shoulder as your hand gently caressed the back of her neck.

"oh but my love, you really do." "if you only have the car till sunday i guess you can drive us to get breakfast tomorrow."

"buzzin!"

[presidenthades]

Once again, I am doing a series of my behind-the-scenes thoughts for The Golds while I do light edits for formatting, typos, and continuity. Here’s Chapter 7!

My original expected chapter count for this fic was 7 (one stanza of “The Song of the Seven” for each chapter title), but as I started increasing the number, I realized I needed to get creative with chapter titles. For this chapter, I picked the penultimate lyric “close your eyes, you shall not fall” because much of the chapter consists of Aegon helping Jace not “fall” into a further downward spiral, and there’s a certain amount of faith required by all parties that everything is going to be OK in the end.

Originally, Jace’s road to recovery was going to be even rougher than in the final version. She refuses to eat or drink anything, and her family gets pretty desperate to the point of doing stupid things to get her to eat. But I felt like that was unnecessary angst and trauma, and she’s already been through enough, so I dialed it back.

Similarly, she was going to have bad perinatal depression up until and after she gave birth, and there was a sequence where she refused to even hold Cheeseball for some time after he was born. But again, it made me feel like I was whumping on Jace and Aegon for unnecessary pain, so I focused more on the “comfort” rather than the “hurt” part.

This chapter is in Aegon’s POV because it was originally supposed to be the second half of Chapter 6 before I realized it was way too long. After I cut it in half, I debated rewriting it in Jace’s POV, but she’s stuck inside her head a lot this chapter whereas Aegon has a lot more action and growth. We return to Jace in Chapter 8 when she’s feeling more like herself but still recovering.

Orwyle is not a popular character in the fandom, which is understandable. He only gets like one minute of screen time, but that one minute made me think a lot about his character. When he’s a junior maester, he suggests a new poultice to try on Viserys instead of the traditional leeching method, and he shows a bit of doctorly compassion to Rhaenys when Vaemond’s body is being prepared. In the book, Orwyle’s defining trait is that he’s cowardly (he literally rewrites history to make himself look better to the Blacks, and he flees from the ship taking him to the Wall). But I was intrigued by how he ends up working at a mid-level brothel and teaches the girls there to read (how he gets caught later). He didn’t have to teach them how to read, but he chose to anyway (to his own detriment).

Overall I consider Orwyle as someone who’s very talented at his job (healing and teaching), and is actually a pretty empathetic person (good quality in a doctor), but he’s not strong-willed and is willing to cave on his principles to stay alive. Not exactly a villain, definitely not a hero either. So he’s going to do his job and do it well, regardless of his patient (especially in this AU verse where there’s less conflict).

After three years in the Stepstones, I’d be shocked if Aegon didn’t learn first aid (same with Aemond). He’s not necessarily interested in healing and such, but he’s capable of basic combat-adjacent medical tasks. So he knows how to clean and bandage wounds, and he can recognize common healing herbs.

I don’t think I need to explain that Westeros has a pretty poor understanding of mental health and doesn’t know what therapy is 😅. For most people who’ve undergone trauma, they would probably be told “carry on, as you were, etc” and they have to just “get over it.” But Jace is a princess who doesn’t have to worry about earning a living, has an overprotective husband, and is pregnant with a very important baby so her health and comfort are of paramount importance. So she luckily has a supportive environment dedicated to her recovery.

As is stated later in the chapter/fic, Jace fires her remaining LIWs because she’s convinced herself that it’s her fault they were injured/killed, and sending them away from her service will keep them safe. Irrational to be sure, but Jace has always been prone to blaming herself for things. She’s also worried that firing the LIWs will reflect poorly on them, hence her trying to compensate them monetarily. But the offer is insulting to Rhaena, who acts as a LIW primarily out of love. If Jace were more herself, she would’ve realized the implications of her offer equating Rhaena’s love/loyalty with a monetary value.

Initially, Jace’s list of “safe people” is very short: Aegon and Luce. Aegon is self-explanatory. Of all her sisters, only Luce makes the initial list because a) they’ve always been very close and b) Luce was there when they found Jace at the Garden, so there’s an added feeling of security. Although Aemond was also at the Garden, he isn’t on the list because their prior relationship wasn’t nearly as close as the other two.

When Rhaenyra touches Jace’s face while trying to feed her, Jace flips out because the Tyroshi grabbed her face when forcing down the dreamwine and later during his attempt with moon tea.

A little irony in Aegon offering to be Jace’s taste tester, when you think about how he dies in F&B 😢.

During Chapter 7 of the Handbook, Luce picks up three dragonglass daggers from the blacksmith. I mentioned them in the Handbook commentaries, but I’ll reiterate that she intended for Jace, herself, and Joff to each have one, as the three full-blooded daughters of Rhaenyra and Laenor. Jace clearly hasn’t been using her dagger, except to display it on her mantel maybe.

Daemon has decided to develop an emergency protocol in case any of the Targ girls are kidnapped again. I’ve been debating writing a oneshot about it.

Castle kitchens are hot, loud, messy places, and a princess would have no reason to ever go there. In a castle as large as the Red Keep, there are probably multiple kitchens. I imagine the Holdfast has a king’s privy kitchen and queen’s privy kitchen solely for prepping their food, and probably other kitchens too. I imagine the largest kitchens to be in the main part of the Red Keep, and that’s where Aegon puts Gyles and Ronnel. It’s a longer walk to get the pies to Jace and Aegon, but Gyles and Ronnel have a much wider social circle of other servants. It’s also where Aegon has his little office of petitions, and he likes being able to run out and grab pies whenever he wants.

Gyles and Ronnel are used to Aegon, so they’re relatively chummy with him. But they’ve never met Jace before, have only ever seen her at 1000% gorgeousness during her wedding parade, and have heard plenty of Aegon’s stories about how perfect she is. Of course they treat her with more respect and awe than they treat Aegon 😛.

I like to think that Ronnel does become a knight one day, and he wins a tourney in Jace’s name 🥰. And he’d probably take on a house name like Baker to honor his father.

I was trying to figure out how orange juice was made before things like juicers were invented. England had cider presses for apples, but citrus wasn’t really a thing for them back in the Middle Ages. Eventually I stumbled across the citrus reamer, which is definitely something they could’ve carved/created back in the day, but I COULD NOT get over how phallic it looked 😂. Naturally, Aegon finds it hilarious. I’m debating whether Gyles truly is innocent or if he’s messing with Aegon and has a great poker face.

I lingered on the details of how the pies are made because it’s important that Jace sees the process for herself and internalizes that pies are safe foods, they aren’t drugged, Gyles is trustworthy, etc.

I wanted to make sure that Jace wasn’t in a depressed, traumatized torpor all the time, because that isn’t how it works. She can have “good” moments when she’s moving around and seems normal, and then there can be “bad” moments when something triggers her, or she’s having an off day, and she spirals. The important thing is that she’s overall making progress, and it’s OK if she has days when she takes a few steps back.

We got more info in Chapter 8 on what Jace and Luce talk about in the garden. Luce is thinking about her upcoming nameday, which is the earliest date that Rhaenyra will allow her to be betrothed. But then there’s another year until her sixteenth nameday, when Rhaenyra will allow her to get married. Luce is pretty impatient, so she wants to figure out how much canoodling she can get away with during the year in between. So she asks Jace, because she’s positive Aegon didn’t keep his hands entirely to himself before the official wedding 😏.

Aegon is now very loath to ever let Jace out of his sight again, unless he’s 100% sure she’s safe in their room. The Joff incident in Chapter 9 probably doesn’t help.

Luce always haggles, even if it’s about how much distance Aegon has to stay behind her and Jace.

Aegon immediately gets bored of guard duty. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some form of ADHD: Impulsive, restless, moody, hyperfixation (usually on Jace, but he can get really into his sleuthing).

Hypersexuality sometimes occurs after trauma/sexual violence, hence Jace’s uncharacteristic behavior after the garden scene. And knowing Jace, she’s probably (wrongfully) blaming herself somehow for “leading on” the Tyroshi.

Luce heard the Langward knight gossiping about Jace and got upset, then Aemond beat up the knight to make her feel better, as one does.

Court life means people are always going to gossip and run with the most salacious rumor possible, and it reignites Aegon’s desire for a private life, where he and Jace can live according to their own devices without worrying about what other people think. Unless he pulls a Maegor, he can’t do anything to stop the courtiers from acting like courtiers. So he comes up with the Dragonstone solution, but it’s only a temporary solution. As Otto says in Chapter 10, they are inextricably a part of the game, and Aegon and Jace can only hide away in Dragonstone for so long.

When they were kids, Aegon came up with many plans that got them all in trouble, so Luce recognizes the face he makes 😝.

Aegon has a very soldier mindset of “just pack some clothes and leave,” without thinking about how complicated it is to actually pack a princess’ household. Luckily Luce knocks some sense into him!

I don’t know what winter roses are supposed to look like except that they’re blue, but I liked the idea of petals close together huddling for warmth. And I completely made up Valyrian roses. Not sure if they actually came from Valyria or if it’s named just for the appearance.

Despite everything that happened, Jace is STILL WORKING 😭. What else do we expect from a girl who worked on her wedding night, I guess…

KL has a well system (it’s a big deal during Jaehaerys’s reign), but I imagine the public wells and fountains get real dirty real fast, especially in poorer parts of the city. When Jace was at the Garden, I imagine the girls had limited clean water to offer her for drinking and washing because they have to walk pretty far for good water. So Jace is thinking about that as she writes her well cleaning proposal.

I’ve been thinking a while about writing an Otto POV fic, and one of the ideas I jotted down for myself was that Otto is secretly a nerd about public infrastructure and sanitation. Oldtown seems to be a much cleaner and better run city than KL. I like to think about Otto adopting pet projects that make the capital less smelly and dirty. So Otto is naturally a supporter of a well cleaning project, and I’ve mentioned before that he likes Jace. Also he’s very invested in the pregnancy being successful, so he’ll do his part to reduce stressors.

Once again, the key to influencing/manipulating Jace is not by appealing to her own desires, but by appealing to the happiness and well-being of her loved ones. Aegon knows this, and it’s a good thing he adores her too much to use this power for evil.

Aegon’s household is basically just Gyles and Ronnel, so his departure preparations are quick. I’m sure he has personal servants assigned to him who handle his laundry and such, but he probably bribed them years ago to leave him alone so he can have privacy and sneak out. And he became rather self-sufficient in the Stepstones (although as royalty, he would’ve had servants there too for menial stuff), so he doesn’t want anyone helping him dress or shave or bathe or whatnot.

Aemond is such a bro, holding down a knight so Aegon can beat him up 🥲. Aegon knows Jace would disapprove of him breaking someone’s jaw for gossiping so he’s careful not to leave any evidence on his person.

Aegon also knows how to push Aemond’s buttons, so he easily convinces Aemond to join the Dragonstone vacation. Aemond would probably have invited himself anyway once he found out about the guest list.

While Jace has been reducing the governing work she does during pregnancy, Rhaenyra has been doing more of it. In canon, Rhaenyra seems content to isolate herself with her family at Dragonstone, so I carried over that attitude of savoring domestic bliss into this verse. But here, Jace is an overachiever, and I think her example kickstarts Rhaenyra into being more active too. So Rhaenyra has work obligations, and social ones as she’s been ingratiating herself at court again. It would be difficult to pack up her entire household (much larger than Jace and Aegon’s) and disappear to Dragonstone for 2-3 months, so she can’t immediately leave like the kids can.

Like Aegon, Rhaenyra is a bit paranoid now about letting Jace out of her sight. She’s also had a longstanding petty grudge about Jace picking Aegon as her #1, so she strongly disapproves of Aegon’s plan to take Jace away, even though Dragonstone is very close and technically her castle.

Aegon is not what I’d call emotionally mature, and he’s a troublemaker by nature. So he deliberately responds to Rhaenyra with things he knows she’ll hate hearing. And in the end, he forces Rhaenyra’s hand by telling Jace “of course Rhaenyra would love for us to go to Dragonstone” 😇.

Poor Daeron is too pure for Daemon’s Torture 101 class. Meanwhile Joff has an avid clinical interest in human anatomy, and Daemon is having the time of his life. Targ family bonding!

The Tyroshi put a collar on Jace, so Daemon put a collar on him to make things fair.

The Tyroshi knows he’s never going to escape, and he’s already endured an awful amount of torture/mutilation. At this point his goal is to die swiftly, so he tries to provoke Aegon into killing him.

I haven’t 100% decided the Tyroshi’s backstory, but I’m imagining him coming from one of the powerful conclave families in Tyrosh. There was absolutely no need for him to go to Westeros and make money through usury and slavery; he chose to because he thought it’d be fun to “get one over” the Targaryens by conducting a trafficking ring in their own capital (I imagine Tyrosh having an ancestral hatred of Valyrians, even though a lot of their culture was inherited from them as a result of being part of their empire). Just in case it wasn’t clear what kind of sadistic sociopathic person he is.

Joff has been brooding a lot about Laenor’s death ever since they found Old Willow, and now her guilt is carrying over into recent events with Jace.

We will learn more about the wet nurse in Aegon’s memory in future fics 👀. She calls him “Uncrowned One” because in this verse, he’ll be another Aegon the Uncrowned.

“Three children you shall have with your wife, black or green or something in between.” In canon, Aegon has three kids with Helaena. In this verse…well, I feel like I’ve dropped a lot of foreshadowing about him and Jace 😊. “In between” refers to how there isn’t a strong black/green divide in this verse, but there’s a new faction (gold) that includes people on both sides.

“All of them shall break like your legs and wings.” In canon, all of Aegon and Helaena’s children die terribly, and Aegon and Sunfyre end up crippled. In this verse, there is a close call during Cheeseball’s birth; if the maester and midwives had chosen to save Jace, the process for extracting a stuck baby is really gruesome.

“Unless you keep this little shadow close to the sun.” Jace has gotten a lot of sun imagery in this fic, and Joff is kinda obviously the shadow. It’s because of Joff’s intervention that the birth ends well. So there’s a way to avoid the “broken” part of the prophecy, but the condition must be met.

Aegon is a skeptic when it comes to witchcraft and prophecy, but there’s a reason his subconscious brings to the memory at this moment. Don’t leave Joff behind!

Aemond finds it extremely undignified that Vhagar, the largest dragon in the world and a veteran of multiple military conflicts, has been relegated to delivering baggage.

The stained dancing slippers that Jace finds in her room at Dragonstone are the same slippers that someone (Luce) accidentally ruins in Chapter 3 of the Handbook.

Valyria is strongly inspired by Classical Greece and Rome, so I decided to give them Roman-style bathhouses, which were often decorated with mosaics and has a hot room, warm room, and cold room. The Targs (or whoever built the castle) imported this to Dragonstone, and the volcano means they can get hot water very easily. Aegon was in the guest quarters last time he visited so this is his first time seeing the family bathhouse.

Some commenters suggested that Luce and Aemond are probably canoodling during their trips to the Dragonmont. There might be some of that going on, but Aemond is a huge dragon nerd, so I can imagine him geeking out about exploring the Dragonmont while Luce is disgruntled about him being oblivious to her attempts to make out 😂.

Gerardys is hoping that Jace will be OK with him and the midwives helping her by the time it’s time to give birth. But in case she isn’t OK, he decides to put one of the Targ girls on a midwifery fast-track. He picks Baela because she’s the strongest of the bunch, and acting as a midwife can be very physically exhausting.

Meanwhile, the mysterious bangs in the tower are Joff and Daeron trying to figure out ways to light the glass candle. This involves blowing up some stuff along the way.

Hyrkoon the Hero is part of ASOIAF lore, one of the potential alternative names for Azor Ahai. I decided that he’s the main character in quite a few fairy tales/myths, and every hero needs a sidekick. I invented the sidekick Santus the Swine by combining a half-pig character in Chinese folklore and Don Quixote’s Sancho Panza (whose name is supposedly derived from the Latin Sanctus), and it wasn’t until afterwards that I thought about the Pink Dread (which never happened in this universe because Jace stopped Aegon). I guess Aemond really can’t escape the pig references in any universe 🐷.

Anyway, Aegon’s really lucky he didn’t get himself and baby Jace killed when he shoved their wagon down their stairs. And Jace not being cut by the Iron Throne is a sign, maybe??? 👀👀👀 And yes, there is much symbolism in little Aegon helping baby Jace climb up the throne 🥺.

Chapter 8 commentary here

[banana-pancake5]

Chapter 2: Broken Promises (Part 2/3)

———

Leo and Vita soared through the sky as they jumped across rooftops. They weren’t on any real mission, they just thought it’d be fun. Perhaps it was a celebration of their recovery.

“See that Bestie!? You did nothing!! We’re doing GREAT!!” Vita yelled out in spite and mockery to the Krang trapped in another dimension.

Leo laughed at the sudden spiteful shouts. He had become used to how she acted, and honestly he enjoyed it. It was fun to just yell out to the Krang; Krang Prime couldn’t hurt them anymore.

Although, during their recovery it couldn’t have been more annoying to have someone constantly laughing at their injuries and speaking like the Krang were still there. Oh, and after they discovered her “Bestie” was Krang Prime?? That was infuriating. But as the days went on they realized how much she hated the Krang, she called the Krang her bestie out of pure spite. She did because she found it stupidly hilarious. And after a while Leo thought it was pretty funny too.

“Yeah! Take that Krang, we’re still going!” Leo joined in.

“Tell ‘em Lee!!”

“You’re the one trapped and we’re both free! How does it feel to have failed so miserably you piece of chewed gum!!”

“HAHAHAHAH!!!” Vita freely laughed though the sky, no more awful coughs from never ending injuries.

They continued shouting at the Krang and laughing as they jumped through New York.

Then Vita stopped. Not just the laughing and joking, but she physically stopped.

Leo was already at the edge of the roof when he noticed. He quickly spun his arms in an attempt to balance himself from his quick stop.

“A warning would’ve been nice!” He said half joking as he walked over to his sister perched on the roof. “What’s the deal mi hermana? Something catch your eye?”

She didn’t say anything. Her eyes were focused on the building in front of them. Oh… the Nexus Hotel.

“Eugh boy, yeah we’re not welcome there. Big Mama owns that place and she’s not a big fan of us,” Vita still stared blankly toward the neon sign, “Sooooo, we should probably be on our way!” Leo made an exaggerated step away from the view of the Hotel.

Then Vita jumped. Vita just… JUMPED! Leo rushed over and leaned over the wall as he looked down at Vita diving toward the ground. “Vita what are you doing!?”

He watched her dive closer to the street before whipping out a pair of Ninpo Whips. That was the first time he’d ever really seen her use her Ninpo for something other than goofing off. A breath he didn’t know he had been holding in released as he watched her swing off of lamp posts.

What am I supposed to do here? She just left without a word! Do I let her figure whatever it is out on her own? Should I stay with her in case she doesn’t know what she’s doing? Should I get the others? She survived however long with the Krang I’m sure she can handle Big Mama. But does that mean I should just let her? I’m the leader. I need a plan. What would a leader do!?

Leo’s rambling thoughts were disrupted by a far away shout in his sister’s scratchy voice, he couldn’t make out the words from the distance but they sounded angry.

Whatever she was saying it was a problem. She was right above so many people. She shouldn’t just be screaming like that! What if they see them?

He looked over the edge of the building to see if any humans had noticed. A couple people that he could see were looking up trying to find the noise but they didn’t seem to be recording.

To be safe, Leo immediately texted Donnie to search for and delete any footage that might have caught her. He did not want the government after them. They had enough stress the past couple of months to last them a lifetime.

Leo paced on the rooftop trying to decide what to do—

The faint sound of a window breaking interrupted his thoughts.

He rushed over the side of the rooftop for the third time to see what had happened. he couldn’t see too clearly from the distance but it seemed like it came from the Nexus Hotel.

Okay that was it. Leo had to make sure she didn’t get herself killed. He trusted his sister. He would stay back unless things got too bad, but he just had to know what was going on.

He unsheathed his sword and cut through the cold night air, creating a vibrant blue portal. He stared into the portal and suddenly felt a wave of exhaustion.

Maybe jumping across rooftops the whole night after just being cleared from crutches wasn’t the best idea. His stupid knee brace didn’t seem to be helping all that much either. How was Vita so… okay?? Throughout her entire recovery she seemed like she was almost unbothered by her numerous injuries. But then again, Leo put on his own facade during his recovery too.

He gathered himself up, took in a deep breath, and stepped through the portal and walked right into the spider’s web.

Eugh, he hated this place. Nothing good came from Big Mama. Sure the Battle Nexus was fun but this was just her hotel. Nothing cool going on in there. Why did Vita come?

His portal placed him down in the lobby. Dum dum portal taking him to the wrong place yet again.

He carefully traversed the Hotel and only a few guards spotted him. But by that point alarms had already been going off and the guards were busy so he easily got away.

Either way, he had been going slower than he should have.

He’s being too reckless. A good leader wouldn’t have been spotted so quickly.

He pushed through any discomfort he was feeling and continued searching.

He spotted Vita rather quickly. He stayed far enough back so that he could see her but couldn’t quite make out what she was saying.

He saw her yelling at someone but couldn’t make out any of the words through the blaring alarms. She sounded furious… or desperate? He really couldn’t tell. He looked closer at who she was shouting at and recognized almost immediately.

She was yelling at Big Mama’s assistant.

That had to be bad.

But there wasn’t any fighting. Maybe it was okay?

Then guards came. About five of them rushed her and pinned her to the ground. Then they started dragging her away. She didn’t even put up a fight. Oh come on Vee, you’ll fight to the death over a piece of pizza but not when you’re in real danger?

Every fiber in his body was telling him to ninja in, rescue her, and ninja out but his body said otherwise. He was exhausted from the rooftops and had a massive headache from the yelling and alarms. He couldn’t risk both of them being captured.

He split a portal open and ran through into the lair.

His breathing was heavy and he looked into the lair. No one was in the main area.

Nope, no time for this.

He immediately made a second portal back to the Nexus Hotel. He didn’t have time to run around looking for his brothers.

He walked through the portal—

His eyes became pinpricks as he looked down in shock at Vita sitting outside the back of the hotel. Well, she was okay. That was good. But why did she do that!?

“What is wrong with you!? What was so important that you nearly got both of us spotted by practically everyone in New York!? You gave me a heart attack, Vita!”

Leo suddenly found himself voicing his thoughts in a tone harsher than intended.

Vita looked up at him and he flinched when saw the wet streaks down her face.

Oooookay. Not good.

Any anger he expressed was quickly suffocated by shock and concern.

“Cool cool cool, you know what, it’s fine.” He sat down next to Vita, “can we head back? We can talk back at the lair, okay?”

“Heh, sure thing Lee.”

She sounded tired. Alright, questions later, comfort now.

He brought her over to his room and pulled out a beanbag and a weighted blanket for her and sat across from it on his bed. The beanbag he had in there was for reading comics and the weighted blanket was for Donnie. Countless late night conversations and impromptu sleepovers lead him to always keep a weighted blanket in his room. He too used it on occasion, especially with his new development of constant horrid nightmares nearly every night.

He knew with his brothers that when they were panicked or upset they usually needed a moment alone with their thoughts, “I’m here whenever you’re ready to explain what happened. I’m… just gonna read a comic until you’re ready.”

She scrunched herself up in a ball on the beanbag, holding her knees to her plastron. She didn’t say anything for a while.

Leo was trying to focus on the comic, but he was extremely nervous. He had never had to comfort Vita before. He had no idea what she needed. His leg was tapping up and down repeatedly. He finally looked at her and spoke up, “You can leave if you don’t want to be here…”

She shook her head and stayed silent on the little blue beanbag.

They stayed like that for a few more minutes before she let out a small laugh. Leo immediately looked up from his bed.

“Ha… hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA SHE FORGOT ME! SHE- She really forgot me. Haha…” Her laughs shifted to quiet cries in seconds.

He was startled by her quick manic laugh, but he quickly got off his bed to sit beside her. When she laughed like that, so raw and hectic, it was bone chilling. It was so wrong. She only laughed like that in situations where others wouldn’t dare speak. Situations that were dire. Situations that left everyone panicked. In the silent fear her laugh would tear through her throat and break the silence. That unsettling feeling he got when he heard that laugh was something that he never got past during their recovery. But he didn’t show it. He just put on his carefully articulated mask and leaned his shell against the beanbag hoping to comfort her in whatever way possible.

She wiped the tears off her face and stayed curled up on the beanbag.

“How are you doing?” Leo asked after a moment of silence.

“Hahaha im doing just great Lee! My only family just completely forgot about me! Isn’t it stupid? I’m crying because she forgot me but I literally forgot myself! I had no clue what my own name was ‘till a couple of weeks ago!!”

Leo had no clue what she was talking about. He could only assume this family was another joke like her ‘bestie.’

But he did know that she had family, “Hey! what do you mean your only family forgot you? I’m literally your brother! Or wait— Gasp! Do I not count?!”

“What- Lee that’s not what I meant.”

“Ok so since I apparently don’t count, much offense taken, how about Raph? Or Mikey?”

“Heheh, you forgot Don!”

“Exuse me! You count that eggheaded weirdo over moi!? How dare!”

“BAHAHAHAHA!!” Her laughter sent her flipping backwards off her beanbag and onto a pile of comic books behind. The second she made contact with the comic books she stopped laughing. She and Leo stared at each other with dead pan expressions before they both burst into a fit of laughter.

She seemed to have forgotten about whatever it was she was talking about because after that moment she was back to herself. He made a mental note that jokes were a great way to help her.

That night ended with a movie marathon on Leo’s phone and a selfie added to Leo’s 3AM album.

MasterPost // Pt. 1 // Pt. 3

———

As an explanation part 2 is the same as part 1 but it follows Leo’s perspective rather than Vita’s! And I’m sure you could guess what part 3 will be like :>

Tag list: @jadetheblueartist @exhaustedwriterartist @cookiedoesart64 @theplacewhereidumpmyinterests @anglepsycho (please tell me if anyone would like to be added or taken off the tag list!!)

I hope y’all enjoyed it! :D

[chibrary]

ARTICLE: Charles Leclerc: "Ho imparato anche a dire le parolacce" (2020)

source: alessandra retico for repubblica.it translation: lovingleclerc2 on twitter series: f1, 2020

Might your arrival in Maranello negatively influenced Vettel’s performances?

I don't think so, on the contrary I think he was pushed even more to show what his true value is, although we all already know that he's a great driver.

Do you have any advice to give him?

I would never allow myself to, he has done much more than me in this sport and he deserves respect.

But between you, there were contrasts and sparks on track.

Yes, but our relationship has always been very good. Maybe at first it was a bit strange because of my 'fault': I was next to a 4-time world champion. It intimidated me, it made me anxious. He is so renowned while I still haven't proved anything. But over time we have sympathized. There's always been a great respect even in difficult times like in Brazil last year or in Styria this year. But once off track we always made it clear and we went on with serenity.

Are you serene about the future?

I'm extremely motivated, happy to get the most out of a difficult situation like this. It won’t be a quick recovery for Ferrari but my job is also to try to push everyone to make sure that this difficult period is as short as possible. Mentally I am as focused as ever and although I would like to fight for higher positions, I know that I‘m doing a good job and that the team is happy with me. Of course, being happy with a 5th or 6th place is not really what I want, I will never want that, but it satisfies me to progress to be as ready as possible when the time comes, for me and for Ferrari.

When will the time come?

As for performance, it'll be difficult to make a miracle with the 2021 car. In 2022, there'll be big changes and from then on we’ll have many years with the same concept of cars. We must start that phase competitive and with enthusiasm.

What can you promise to fans realistically?

To give my best, to give a show, this I can promise.

Meanwhile your popularity is growing.

For me, it has always been very important to stay the closest to the people who follow me on social media, on TV, or on track. Now that it’s more difficult without an audience, I want to maintain this closeness. The contact, virtual or physical, being accessible to others, for me is essential. And I’ll tell you more: next year I’m going to expand my social networks, which now are very thematized on my professional life, with content about me behind the scenes, out of track, in my private, to let people see who I am and what I do between one race and the other. I want to tell of myself as a person more.

Who is the private Charles Leclerc?

A normal guy, who enjoys the time he spends with his friends and family. Although since I’m in Ferrari a lot has changed: not like I did bad things before, but now I also have to give a good image of myself outside the car. Just saying, if I eat at the table I have to be careful how I’m doing it.

Your strong and your weak point?

: "I am strong in self-analysis: I'm very sincere with myself and this makes me grow a lot. My weak point is being sometimes too harsh in judging myself. Before, I was very upset about making mistakes that I still make out of inexperience or too much desire. But being demoralized is useless, the past cannot be changed. Making mistakes made me more mature, mentally very strong.

Ferrari will be without a world champion. Did they choose well with Carlos Sainz?

I don't know why they took him rather than another, but Carlos is very strong and consistent. Last year towards the end of the season he used to ask me if there was a free seat in the Red car, I replied that I didn't know, but he already had stars in the eyes.

What do you like the most and the least about Italy?

I like the simplicity, besides food of course. One flaw? I hear the bad words from the mechanics and I got into the habit of saying a lot of them too, I say more in Italian than in French.

Will your brother, now in the FDA, get to Maranello?

It’s soon, but he deserves it. He didn’t have my chances, we started together but then didn’t have enough money to continue both, my father gave the priority to me as I am older, Arthur had to stop and started again since I’ve got into F1, my uncle and I help him. He's talented, we are similar in personality. He will find his way.

Today Mick Schumacher makes his debut with Alfa Romeo in free practice. How much does it matter to be the son of Michael?

The Schumacher name is powerful in F1 and not only, but Mick is here for his talent and not for his name. It’s going to be tough here with this cold weather, for him and for everyone, we look like skiers. What about us? Some aerodynamic update, but we’ll struggle with tyres.

Do you envy anything to Hamilton or Verstappen?

I'm happy with who I am, I don't look at others, in F1 you have to be the best & I try to be the best version of myself. When we have Ferrari in front I hope I’ll be able to show what this team's worth.

[strawberry-lemonade-kisses]

More Than Enough

Part 1 Here

Tags - Anxiety, depression, infertility, talk of being abandoned and unloved, self deprication

Recovery had been going smoothly. With assistance from the nurses you were up and walking that same night. After five days under the watchful eyes of Dr. Shinhwa and his team, you were able to go home with careful instructions and plenty of medication.

“Do you need anything?” Your fiancée had refused to leave your side since before the surgery, going as far as to request a temporary release from his duties so he could stay with you. “No, not right now. I’m okay. How’s Genya?” Sanemi suppressed the urge to roll his eyes knowing that ever since your focus had been removed from starting a family you had focused on having him reconnect with his own. “Himejma said he is good, he is currently on a mission with Tokito.” you hummed from where you were laid in bed, propped up by pillows with a book in your lap, having lost interest after a few chapters. Sanemi moved away from the wardrobe that he was shuffling through, taking a haori with him. “I am going to the market with Genkei, your muscle relaxers aren’t due until sundown so try and rest. I will be back shortly, ring the bell if you need Himiko. she’s prepping dinner but I’ve already asked her to keep an ear open for the bell. If you want to walk around I’m not going to stop you, but no stairs and absolutely no helping in the kitchen.” You nodded along with everything that Sanemi said, having heard this speech every time he left for the past week and a half since you got home. “Can I walk you to the front door at least?” You asked, already removing the blankets from your lap and swinging your legs off of the side of the bed. “Alright speedster, slow down.” he was by your side in a few strides, pulling your hands into his own to help you stand. Dropping your left hand he held tightly to your right one, walking slowly with you as you headed out to the front door. “Promise me you will call Himiko if you need anything, even changing your kimono, anything at all.” “Yeah, yeah, go on” You waved him off.

“No, Y/N. Promise” The furrow in his brows and the deep tone of his voice told you not to brush him off and agree with him.

“I promise to ask for help. Now please go help poor Genkei, he looks bored out of his mind standing out by the gates waiting for you.” With a sharp nod, Sanemi turned around and met the young servant by the gates to your estate. Things had undoubtedly been tense between you and Sanemi since your surgery. The times you were awake in the hospital you had just cried into his shoulder while apologizing. Since arriving back at your home the two of you didn’t speak about the weight clinging to both of your shoulders, choosing to focus on anything else. Of course that made you turn to the second most trusted person in your life. Himiko. The older woman had been working for Sanemi long before you ever came into the picture but she treated you as though you were her own daughter, fussing over you the first time Sanemi brought you to his home. She was a trusted confidant and an even better cook. “You look lost sweetheart” Himiko didn’t look up from the pot she was stirring as you shuffled into the kitchen, slow careful steps up to the island where you sat at one of the stools. “How do you know?” She added a few tomatoes from the plate sitting next to her on the counter, still stirring the pot. “You’ve looked lost ever since you came home. What’s wrong?” You let out a sigh. “I… Sanemi doesn’t trust me anymore, and I- I get it. I understand why. But I.” you paused, feeling the familiar constricting in your chest at the thought. The same feeling you get when Sanemi tries to talk about this. “How can a hashira proudly call me his wife when I am such a coward, I couldn’t even tell him how sick I was? I couldn’t ask for help, and I can’t even tell him how much it crushes me to think about the fact that I will never be able to have a baby. I get to see everyone else have children, it’s rubbed in my face daily down at the market, all the pregnancies and the newborns, even toddlers. There is nothing in this world I want more right now than to have one, to watch my stomach grow every month, and eventually wake up by Sanemi’s side and argue about who's going to change the baby! But I don’t get that now, I won’t ever get that.” The words were pouring from your mouth, frantically trying to escape after being kept in for so long. “Imagine finding a woman and thinking ‘this is the woman I’m going to have a family with, the woman I want to marry and grow old with’ only to find out guess what. You aren’t getting anything. Just her. He’s going to leave me now. We aren’t wed, he has the option still” You weren’t aware of the tears falling into a puddle on the counter until Himiko had placed a towel down.

“Sweetheart breathe” She spoke softly, pulling you against her chest. She swayed slightly, rocking steadily back and forth as you tried to gain control of your breathing and calm down.

“I- Himiko. I am broken.” She sighed, pulling back from you, pushing you to sit back up straight.

“I promise you, my child, you are not broken. There are many people who are unable to have children. I know it may seem like the world is falling, but when I say Sanemi does not resent you or hate you for this please believe me. Out of everything he is happy you are alive.” She smiled, her deep brown eyes pinching shut as she ran an affectionate hand down your back. “The night after your surgery when he came home he sat with me on the front engawa and asked me about you being sick. He was understandably upset, but not once did he mention children, his focus was on you. He will be upset for a while about you not telling him you were sick, he was very expressive about that. But give him time, just as he has given you. Focus on your recovery, for now, Sanemi will always be here” She smiled, pushing away from you. “Now let me finish dinner, Genkei shouldn’t be out long, I made up half of that list to get Sanemi out of the kitchen.” she chuckled and made her way back over to the stove, tossing more ingredients into the simmering mixture and ending the conversation.

“Can you believe this? Half of that was fake and it took 3 different merchants before we figured out that they were made up! Who the fuck does that? Crazy wench always trying to fuck with me” Sanemi was huffing as he and Genkei wandered back into the kitchen an hour later. “You! What the fuck is wrong with you? Fake ingredients! You made me look like the biggest damned fool at the market. Someone asked if I was feeling alright!” He was fuming as he dropped the basket of fruits and vegetables on the counter in front of you. “Himiko I don’t pay you to fuck with me I pay you to help me and my wife.” She turned around with an unamused expression on her face.

“I do help your wife, and you wouldn’t be able to find another housekeeper as good as me” She smirked, turning back to the pot of steaming tea. “Himiko finished dinner, we were waiting for your return my love” You spoke, interrupting the staring contest Sanemi was having with the back of the older woman's head. Placing a gentle hand on the scared texture of his arm you gestured towards the table. He glanced at the table, already set up for dinner.

“Alright, let's eat then” He held a hand out, waiting patiently as you stared at his open palm, the ring finger that held no ring. How would you bring up a conversation like the one that has your heart turning over. You took his hand, gentle hands guiding you to stand as he walked slowly to the table.

“Have you been here since I left?”

“in the kitchen? Yes. But I didn’t help. Not like Himiko would accept my help anyways. Stubborn.” He gave you a pointed look which you ignored, sitting as he pulled out your chair before walking across the table and taking his own seat.

“Miss Y/n and I were just having a chat, a very good chat, don’t you think?” you nodded along with the older woman. Focusing on the broth in front of you. Conversations like this were never easy and you would rather avoid them, but you can only run away for so long. Himiko knew that and you did too, which is why she pushed. Genkei showed up, taking a seat across from Himiko “I like to think this chat was very well needed” She hummed, between spoonfuls of soup. Sanemi looked between the two of you.

“Well, what did you talk about?” all eyes turned to you. You peered at everyone over your spoon.

“Um, well we talked about my recovery and we talked about how she made up half of the list” You smiled bringing more soup to your lips to avoid talking more. Sanemi didn’t look like he believed a word that came out of your mouth, unamusingly turning back to his bowl. Dinner had passed with Genkei reciting the entirety of his journey to the market with Sanemi, including with animated gestures the anger Sanemi had when he finally asked a clerk what all of the stuff on the list was, only to find out it was all fake. Sanemi sat quietly huffing into his bowl, almost reliving the moment at the table. “Genkei can you help me clean up?” Himiko asked after he finished his story, already standing and taking the bowls from the table. The younger boy nodded before standing and excusing himself. Sanemi was up from the table seconds later, moving to the empty seat right next to you.

“So what did you two actually talk about? You don’t lie often because you're terrible at it, you looked like you were ready to have a heart attack trying to avoid everyone's eyes” He chuckled at the blush that coated your cheeks. He was always perceptive, it was scary sometimes. “I’m not that bad” His eyes narrowed, unamused. He reached a hand out to cover yours which rested in your lap, stopping the fidgeting you were doing. “What’s going on?” he asked again. You took a deep breath to control your nerves, trying to push back the anxiety you felt blossoming in your chest. Meeting his eyes you spoke. “I feel so foolish. You are a hashira, one of the strongest men I have ever met. The things you do, and the power you have is something I would never dream of. On the other hand, you have me, your sickly little girlfriend who can’t even be honest about how bad I feel. I know I should have told you I was sick, but I didn’t want to burden you more when you are already fighting such a terrible war. Sanemi. I am holding you back and now, I can’t even provide you with a family to come home to. All I do is burden you and I feel so guilty” The end of your speech was watery, drowned out by the tears trailing down your cheeks. You could feel yourself crumbling, knowing that his next words were going to be along the lines of ‘your right, get out of my house and my life’ Where were you going to go? Your family was gone, there was no way you could work while recovering. Maybe Shinobu would take pity on you and house you until you recovered and then you could find somewhere else to work and live. This was a mess, you were a mess. “hey, breathe. Match my breathing, look at me shithead” Sanemi was trying to catch your attention as you hyperventilated between sobs, he had grabbed onto your shoulders, trying to catch your eye as he took deep breaths. “in through the nose out through the mouth.” He repeated as you tried to match him, taking slow deep breaths. Until you were less hysterical.

“Here sweetheart” Himiko had placed a cup of tea next to you, the steam washing over your face, drying the tears on your cheeks. You mumbled a thank you before turning back to Sanemi who had moved from holding your shoulder to holding your hands, still facing you.

“You will never, and I repeat. Never be a burden to me. That’s what I’m here for. You should lean on me, I’m always going to worry about you. I have lost so much and I’ll be damned if I lose you too.” He scoffed “When I saw you on the ground like that, in pain. I thought that was it, you were done. I was ready to rip the world apart and do anything to bring you back to me if I had to. You are stuck with me, you seem to forget about that little ring sitting on the wardrobe. But if I have to marry you tomorrow so you don’t forget then we better start finding you a pretty outfit.” His chuckle was watery, eyes lined with unshed tears. “I don’t need you to ‘make’ me a family, we have one. Look at this old coot and the dumb kid. Do you want me to call for Genya so you two can dress up in matching clothes? I can go steal one of the annoying kids from Kocho if it makes you feel better.” You shook your head, letting out a choked laugh at the absurdity of his confession. The anxiety you had faded from your body as he continued. “All I want from you is for you to be okay, for you to lean on me when needed. I may not always be here but that’s why I have these two idiots around. The annoying ones' wives really like you as well, I can invite them over for like a wife play date” you chuckled again, groaning as your stomach throbbed, the reminder of your healing wound. Sanemi meant well, even if his way of explaining it was, different. “Don’t cry. If you really want a baby we will find a way, but I want you to heal first, okay? Maybe we can speed up the wedding a bit so I can actually call you my wife and not get dumb looks. Okay? Let’s get you to bed so you can rest. You can’t take your meds for another hour.” You nodded, accepting the cloth from Himiko so you could wipe your face. “Thank you. I love you” “You don’t need to thank me, it's what I’m here for. I love you too, now come on, before Himiko starts crying too”

A/N - part 2 no one asked for but i delivered, yw. Not proofread because i’m lazy :)

[dollsonmain]

Today I should rest and spend time with myself but there's too much to do.

I need to look for insurance some more, shower, catch up on chores, get ready to go get groceries/make the list....

Yesterday I remembered something.

So, I get up really early in the morning in the hopes of getting a little time to myself with the quiet.

On weekdays That Guy gets up at 4 and so do I. I make sure I'm up and out of bed, downstairs, drinking my coffee before he gets out of the shower so he doesn't come kneel down and try to stick his dick in my face every morning.

He leaves at 5.

Then, if I'm lucky, Son will stay in bed until 6 but he usually gets up at 5 because That Guy stomps and slams and insists on having a conversation or giving me a lecture first thing in the morning when I'm not even awake, yet.

This morning it was "Our son doesn't know some specific information which is not available to him and he's disrespecting me by not having this information that doesn't exist can you figure it out but don't tell him you're figuring it out behind his back because I want him to do it even though he can't." Again.

Son leaves at 7.

On the weekends I often wake up around 5 or 5:30 and try to sneak out of bed

Usually, Son is already awake and he gets up as soon as he hears me moving around in the house. He starts immediately with noise videos, noisy apps, transcribing music, etc. and he talks the whole time. Louder, and louder, and louder with the occasional "Dad's asleep, still, watch your volume [because I'd like him to stay that way]" from me.

Often That Guy is woken up by me getting out of bed and also gets up because he's suddenly Alone and that's unacceptable.

Yesterday, I was up and trying to work on something on the computer, Son got up and started in but I've gotten pretty good at both engaging with him and continuing to work, then That Guy got up and demanded my full attention constantly.

I snapped at him a bit saying I was busy and leave me alone, which I feel bad about, but if I'm sitting in front of a screen, typing, with multiple resource tabs open, actively researching and processing information, I don't need a play-by-play of every fart, the fact the house is cold like every winter, and what he's eating/drinking, and are you still working are you still working are you still working I want to play video games and you have to watch.

...

It reminded me of a time at my grandma's house when my aunt and I were still young. My aunt is 5 years younger than I am, so we are close in age.

Grandma put us to bed in her bed, which was a queen, and my aunt kept scooting over so she was basically on top of me. I told her to move and give me space, but she wouldn't.

I got up and went to the other side of the bed repeatedly in the night and every time she'd scoot over on top of me again.

Eventually I took a blanket into the living room to sleep on the couch, and she followed me there, too.

In the morning I complained to grandma and she said I was being mean and my aunt just wanted to cuddle and be close to me.

What I needed didn't matter.

-

That persists. It doesn't matter that I need time to myself. I'm expected [by That Guy] to pay attention to Son at all times and to pay attention to That Guy at all times.

The only time I get truly to myself is very early in the morning if I'm lucky enough the boys stay in bed, or for about an hour at night because I go to bed earlier than everyone else on purpose.

This is why I call Monday my recovery day, but I don't get Monday, either. Monday is groceries day.

Even if I try going down to the basement, That Guy starts stomping around overhead as hard as he can, just to remind me he's up here, he's Alone, I'm not doing what he wants me to do, and he's bored.

It doesn't matter how much I beg the people around to please, please just get off of me.

It's very frustrating.

-

Anyway, that's all part of why I'm so hard focused on the basement right now, I guess.

Desperately trying to regain control of literally anything, trying to find a quiet place where I can breathe, trying to feel human again.

[topazadine]

On making your mental illness your entire identity

I've noticed a really disturbing trend where people turn a mental illness into their entire online persona. I noticed it a lot with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), which is a very real and very unglamorous disorder rooted in deep, catastrophic trauma.

As someone who has been in recovery for bipolar for over a decade now, I'm telling you that this is a terrible idea that will just keep you stuck.

(Rest under cut to spare your dash lol)

It's good, honorable even, to be open about your mental illness, but it has to be productive. When I talk about bipolar disorder or my C-PTSD and its attendant horrors, it's not to say it's so uwu quirky like the TikTok girlies, but to share resources and get helpful support from others - not just sympathy or attention.

This cultivates a healing mentality amongst myself and others: we're trying to get help and build our coping skills. Why? Because mental illness sucks, and if you wallow in it, that mental illness makes you suck.

Mental illness isn't fun. It's not something that makes you want to dress up and dance around for attention. It eats away at your life, takes away your joy, makes you struggle to do even basic things like cleaning your house or staying focused on tasks.

More than that, mental illness can make you bitter. "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Am I just a bad person, born wrong?"

If it's C-PTSD, you get angry: "Someone else did this to me. It's their fault. Why do I have to clean up their mess? They should have to fix this!"

Unfortunately, it is your responsibility. You have to manage it, cope with it, get help for it to the best of your ability and funding. You can run from it for a while if you want to, pretend it's not a big deal, or even glamorize it to make it seem powerful - or to make you seem like a poor little waif who needs everyone's attention.

But it will catch up to you, and the fall will be even harder if you've turned your mental illness into a load-bearing aspect of your identity. Suddenly you don't want to get better, because there's nothing else to you.

Fixing the illness will mean you need to develop something else to make your "thing," so you cling to it. Treatment is scary, but losing your entire persona is even scarier. This throws you into a spiral where you get worse and worse, refusing to get help so you don't have to rebuild your life from the ground up. And, sadly, I suspect that this could literally kill people, if it hasn't already.

I am not at all saying that you need to be ashamed of your mental illness or hide it. In fact, hiding your illness is also bad, because you won't want to seek help if you're too embarrassed to admit what's wrong.

Being mentally ill doesn't automatically make you a bad person, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. But you also shouldn't turn your mental illness into a comfort object and a shield that veils all the other important parts of you. It should never be used as an excuse for bad behavior or a substitute for a real personality.

I have found that thinking of my mental illness in the same vein as chronic physical illness ensures that I don't think of it as some magical condition that elevates me beyond "normies." No one gets online and turns diabetes into their schtick. No one walks up to strangers and introduces themselves as having liver disease. People may say that their Hashimoto's disease is kicking their ass today, but they don't use it as an excuse to be a dick to other people (at least I have never seen that).

You need to do the same thing with your mental illness. In many ways, it is who you are - bipolar disorder, for example, changes your brain chemistry and even puts you at risk of certain organic diseases - but it is not all you are.

Instead of making social media accounts where you post nothing but your mental illness, make an account about something you chose about yourself, whether that is cosplay or a hobby or a special interest. Yes, that may not get as much attention as the wildness of mental illness, but it won't get you stuck.

And don't get addicted to the attention you get from disorderposting. All those strangers who like your posts don't really care about you; worse, some of them don't want you to get better because you are just content to them, and when your content becomes more "normal," they'll drop you without a second thought.

You'll destroy yourself for a few dopamine hits from seeing line go up, and is that really worthwhile? Is that fair to you - to your story and your overall life? No. It's not.

You deserve better than that, and you deserve to want better than that. So if you're thinking of making a social media account dedicated entirely to whatever mental illness you have - don't. Please.

[udo0stories]

People who would typically eat out have been forced to rely on their own devices over the past year, everywhere in the world. Evenings spent at the greatest Italian restaurant in town have given way to evenings spent at home making homemade pasta. The way that people buy groceries and prepare meals at home has drastically changed as a result of this phenomenon. Home cooks have emerged from the ranks of culinary novices who once stuck to frozen dinners and Hamburger Helper, yearning to relive the flavors inspired by around the world that they missed. The food industry has witnessed a number of new food trends on the rise as more people than ever cook at home and get more creative with their meals. Almost all of these trends have been significantly influenced by COVID-19. The world was already moving toward a more health-conscious eating culture, and the pandemic has only made people want better, more reasonably priced food even more. The top food trends of 2021—from plant-based substitutes to superfoods with medicinal properties—will probably become enduring mainstays in the future of cuisine. Which of these have you tried? Which ones are you dying to try? Which ones do you think we missed? Tell us in the comments. Let us get started now! Whole30, Paleo, and Keto, oh my! Although many diets have gained cult followings, not everyone is prepared to make a complete lifestyle shift. The idea of wanting to "have your cake and eat it too" has permeated the diet industry, as common foods are being replaced with low-carb alternatives everywhere. More people than ever before are looking for lower-carb substitutes for some of their favorite high-carb foods, such as zucchini lasagna and pre-packaged foods like cauliflower gnocchi. Another excellent option for a low-carb meal is pork. Try this delicious recipe for pork belly tacos. With the prevalence of anxiety and depression rising globally, a growing number of people are turning to food as a means of recovery. In this regard, superfoods that are abundant in probiotics, antioxidants, omega-3 fatty acids, and B vitamins have gained particular popularity. This year, we are seeing a huge rise in recipes for better mental health, from probiotic-rich Greek yogurt bowls to smoothies made with omega-3-rich flaxseeds. This new idea of recipes focused on mental health is probably a culinary fad that will persist. I should make it clear right away that I am not referring to TGI Friday's takeout. In order to survive after COVID-19 took over in 2020 and closed down in-house dining globally, a lot of nearby businesses turned to takeout. And everyone devoured it! (Yes, I meant to pun.) Getting takeout was more than just a way for many people to avoid cooking on bad days. It was their way of helping out small businesses in the restaurant industry at a time when it was in need of assistance. Many people have become accustomed to occasionally indulging in their favorite noodles from the comfort of their couch, even with restaurants reopening. To put it another way, this culinary fad is probably here to stay. viewpoint Plant-based foods are becoming more and more popular at the grocery store, and not just vegans. Even meat eaters will see a significant increase in the number of plant-based meals chosen in 2021. The flexitarian diet is introduced. People are becoming more knowledgeable about the advantages of consuming fewer animal products due to worries about the environment and our general health. Does this imply that Americans who eat meat are suddenly abstaining from beef? In the negative. It does, however, indicate that people are starting to replace some of their weekly plant-based meals with animal substitutes in an effort to reduce their intake of animal products. Check out this delicious dark chocolate peanut butter mousse recipe that is dairy-free and vegan. Perhaps all of the culinary experts are thinking, huh? If you have been baking bread from scratch for years, this might not seem like much of a novel culinary craze.

But the rise of homemade bread recipes was one of the most well-liked trends brought about by quarantine cooking. Bread was among the first things to go from grocery store shelves in early 2020, around the time of the pandemic. When we first realized we would be without our avocado toasts and sandwiches, a lot of us became anxious. The scarcity of store-bought bread caused a sharp rise in home-baked bread and bread-making kits after the initial panic passed. Now that so many people know how simple and rewarding it is to make homemade bread, I don’t see this food trend disappearing anytime soon. Check out our recipe for no-knead bread. 6. Mocktails. It seems like mocktails have never received the recognition they merit. That is, until now. Let us face it: the majority of us overindulged in alcohol at home in the previous year. Who can blame us when a pandemic sweeps the globe and our days of going out to bars seem like a distant memory? Numerous people made the decision to cut back on their alcohol intake or go dry for the first few months of the year (Dry January, anyone?). The mocktail is finally making a comeback thanks to growing awareness of the negative effects of alcohol consumption and the growing appeal of craft beverages. Bars are expanding their cocktail menus to include alcohol-free options, and food bloggers are creating non-alcoholic takes on their best alcoholic recipes. We think this will be a memorable moment for the mocktail for a long time! That is it for now, people. These were some of the biggest culinary fads for 2021, most of which I am pretty sure are here to stay. Which of these new food trends are you going to try this year? I would love to hear your thoughts on them. Personally, I will undoubtedly keep using my couch to support my neighborhood companies. People who would typically eat out have been forced to rely on their own devices over the past year, everywhere in the world. Evenings spent at the greatest Italian restaurant in town have given way to evenings spent at home making homemade pasta. The way that people buy groceries and prepare meals at home has drastically changed as a result of this phenomenon. Home cooks have emerged from the ranks of culinary novices who once stuck to frozen dinners and Hamburger Helper, yearning to relive the flavors inspired by around the world that they missed. The food industry has witnessed a number of new food trends on the rise as more people than ever cook at home and get more creative with their meals. Almost all of these trends have been significantly influenced by COVID-19. The world was already moving toward a more health-conscious eating culture, and the pandemic has only made people want better, more reasonably priced food even more. The top food trends of 2021—from plant-based substitutes to superfoods with medicinal properties—will probably become enduring mainstays in the future of cuisine. Which of these have you tried? Which ones are you dying to try? Which ones do you think we missed? Tell us in the comments. Let us get started now! Whole30, Paleo, and Keto, oh my! Although many diets have gained cult followings, not everyone is prepared to make a complete lifestyle shift. The idea of wanting to "have your cake and eat it too" has permeated the diet industry, as common foods are being replaced with low-carb alternatives everywhere. More people than ever before are looking for lower-carb substitutes for some of their favorite high-carb foods, such as zucchini lasagna and pre-packaged foods like cauliflower gnocchi. Another excellent option for a low-carb meal is pork. Try this delicious recipe for pork belly tacos. With the prevalence of anxiety and depression rising globally, a growing number of people are turning to food as a means of recovery. In this regard, superfoods that are abundant in probiotics, antioxidants, omega-3 fatty acids, and B vitamins have gained particular popularity. This year, we are seeing a huge rise

in recipes for better mental health, from probiotic-rich Greek yogurt bowls to smoothies made with omega-3-rich flaxseeds. This new idea of recipes focused on mental health is probably a culinary fad that will persist. I should make it clear right away that I am not referring to TGI Friday's takeout. In order to survive after COVID-19 took over in 2020 and closed down in-house dining globally, a lot of nearby businesses turned to takeout. And everyone devoured it! (Yes, I meant to pun.) Getting takeout was more than just a way for many people to avoid cooking on bad days. It was their way of helping out small businesses in the restaurant industry at a time when it was in need of assistance. Many people have become accustomed to occasionally indulging in their favorite noodles from the comfort of their couch, even with restaurants reopening. To put it another way, this culinary fad is probably here to stay. viewpoint Plant-based foods are becoming more and more popular at the grocery store, and not just vegans. Even meat eaters will see a significant increase in the number of plant-based meals chosen in 2021. The flexitarian diet is introduced. People are becoming more knowledgeable about the advantages of consuming fewer animal products due to worries about the environment and our general health. Does this imply that Americans who eat meat are suddenly abstaining from beef? In the negative. It does, however, indicate that people are starting to replace some of their weekly plant-based meals with animal substitutes in an effort to reduce their intake of animal products. Check out this delicious dark chocolate peanut butter mousse recipe that is dairy-free and vegan. Perhaps all of the culinary experts are thinking, huh? If you have been baking bread from scratch for years, this might not seem like much of a novel culinary craze. But the rise of homemade bread recipes was one of the most well-liked trends brought about by quarantine cooking. Bread was among the first things to go from grocery store shelves in early 2020, around the time of the pandemic. When we first realized we would be without our avocado toasts and sandwiches, a lot of us became anxious. The scarcity of store-bought bread caused a sharp rise in home-baked bread and bread-making kits after the initial panic passed. Now that so many people know how simple and rewarding it is to make homemade bread, I don’t see this food trend disappearing anytime soon. Check out our recipe for no-knead bread. 6. Mocktails. It seems like mocktails have never received the recognition they merit. That is, until now. Let us face it: the majority of us overindulged in alcohol at home in the previous year. Who can blame us when a pandemic sweeps the globe and our days of going out to bars seem like a distant memory? Numerous people made the decision to cut back on their alcohol intake or go dry for the first few months of the year (Dry January, anyone?). The mocktail is finally making a comeback thanks to growing awareness of the negative effects of alcohol consumption and the growing appeal of craft beverages. Bars are expanding their cocktail menus to include alcohol-free options, and food bloggers are creating non-alcoholic takes on their best alcoholic recipes. We think this will be a memorable moment for the mocktail for a long time! That is it for now, people. These were some of the biggest culinary fads for 2021, most of which I am pretty sure are here to stay. Which of these new food trends are you going to try this year? I would love to hear your thoughts on them. Personally, I will undoubtedly keep using my couch to support my neighborhood companies.

[srhhrtmn21222]

Step Four - Relationships

What conflicts in my personality make it difficult for me to maintain friendships and/or romantic relationships?

I struggle with being able to express myself. I tend to bottle up my emotions, and eventually I explode. I don't intend on going off of people, but it kind of just happens after holding in so many emotions.

2. How has my fear of being hurt affected my friendships and romantic relationships?

I try to hide some of myself from others. I fear they won't accept who I USED to be, so they won't even give who I am now a chance. It feels like most people only see half of who I am.

3. How have I sacrificed platonic friendships in favor of romantic relationships?

Now that I'm sober, I am able to better balance my friendships and relationships. However, when I was using, I regularly ignored and cut off those in platonic friendships out of fear of making my ex mad. I made the decision to make him happy to avoid any abuse he could cause.

4. In what ways did I compulsively seek relationships?

During the times that I felt like I needed to get sober, I would use any time I was offered drugs. I felt like if I wasn't using, those "friends" would no longer what to be around me. And since I had already burned all my friendships prior to being an addict, I didn't want to be completely alone.

5. In my relationships with family, do I sometimes feel as though we're locked into repeating the same patterns over and over without any hope of change? What are those patterns? What is my part in perpetuating them?

When first starting recovery, I feared that some of the family that I had lost would forever see me as an addict, and would only treat me as such. But the further into my recovery that I get, the more I realize that the ones I feared this would happen with, have accepted me as a former/recovering addict. They treat me with the respect that I deserve as such. As long as I am doing all the things to stay sober, I do not have to fear pointless repetition.

6. How have I avoided intimacy with my friends, partners or spouses, and family?

I typically make excuses to leave (or completely avoid) intimate situations. The vulnerability makes me uncomfortable. It makes me fear that my actions or words will permanently change the ways others look at me.

7. Have I had problems making commitments? Describe.

It depends on the commitment. If I feel like it's not going to jeopardize my ethics, I will go full force in a commitment. But if I have any slight doubts of the outcome, I will completely avoid making said commitment.

8. Have I ever destroyed a relationships because I believed I was going to get hurt anyways so I should get out before that could happen? Describe.

Yes and no. When my ex was in jail, I had a relationship with his best friend. When my ex got out of jail, and I told him who I was with, my ex manipulated me into giving him a ride. His (former) best friend was with me. He planned the whole thing out to attack him. Shortly after this situation, I left his friend and went back to him. I intentionally put myself back in harms way to avoid him hurting the other guy. I didn't avoid harmful situations if that meant I was protecting someone I truly cared about.

9. To what degree do I consider the feelings of others in my relationships? Equal to my own? More important than my own? Of minor importance? Not at all?

I consider others' feelings to be of greater importance than my own. If I need to throw my feelings under the bus to make someone else feel better, I will.

10. Have I felt like a victim in any of my relationships? (Note: This question is focused on uncovering how we set ourselves up to be victims or how too-high expectations contributed to our being disappointed in people, NOT on listing instances where we were actually abused.) Describe.

The only relationship that I've ever felt like a victim, I was a victim. However, while being actively abused, I didn't feel like a victim. I kept telling myself that I was only there because I allowed it, so I wasn't allowed to feel like a victim.

11. What have my relationships with neighbors been like? Do I notice any patterns appearing that carried through no matter where I lived?

Where I live now, is the only time I've been active with my neighbors. And so far, I have had a very good relationship with them. One of them, I just sit around and talk with. The other set of neighbors also has children, so our kids play together.

12. How do I feel about the people with and for whom I worked? How have my thinking, beliefs, and behavior caused problems for me at work?

When I was a manager, I constantly stayed frustrated because I was over worked, and under paid. As just a regular employee, I also tended to stay frustrated because I would express how I felt about other employees' work ethics to managers, and they were simply ignored. I struggle with staying with 1 employer because I feel like my issues are simply swept under the rug instead of confronted.

13. How do I feel about the people I went to school with (both in childhood and currently)? Did I feel less than or better than the other students? Did I believe I had to compete for attention from the instructor? Did I respect authority figures or rebel against them?

In middle school, I was more outspoken towards the instructors. I wasn't afraid to rebel against them if I didn't agree with what they were saying. By high school, my mind set had changed. I knew that the longer they were arguing with me, the less time they had to teach our class as a whole. Once I realized that I was taking away from other students, I started to keep to myself and held back any objections I had.

14. Have I ever joined any clubs or membership organizations? (Hint: NA is a membership organization.) How did I feel about the other people in the club or organization? Have I made friends in these organizations? Have I joined clubs with high expectations, only to quit in a short time? What were my expectations, and why weren't they fulfilled? What was my part in these situations?

When in school, we had the option to join a club. Those who did not find a club to join, used this time as a "study hall". I struggled with finding one that I was interested in. I tried few different ones, but nothing really sparked when I attended. I ended up choosing to use it as study hall. NA is the first membership organization that I've actually been a part of. I get along great with those within the organization. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact no one here is trying to push their beliefs on one another. We simply state what worked for us. Like I've always been told, "Take what you need, and leave the rest."

15. Have I ever been in a mental hospital or prison or otherwise been held against my will? What affects has that had on my personality? What were my interactions with the authorities like? Did I follow the rules? Did I ever break the rules and then resent the authorities when I got caught?

Luckily, as an adult, I am compliant when it comes to orders from an authority figure. When in jail, I kept to myself and followed the rules out of fear of having to stay longer. When in a mental hospital, I knew they were only trying to help me, so I never questioned their protocol.

16. Did early experiences with trust and intimacy hurt me and cause me to withdraw? Describe.

I've not had many bad experiences that caused me to withdraw. The only one that really stands out to me, was when me and my ex first got together. He put on such a good face; pretending to be someone he's not. His ex tried to warn me, but he told me she was abusive and a compulsive liar. Over time, it became obvious that he was the abuser and compulsive liar. When I finally came to that realization, I was afraid of being alone. I couldn't trust him, but having someone there was better than having no one at all. When we broke up for good, I struggled with (and still struggle with) fully trusting others for fear of them using that information to manipulate me.

17. Have I ever let a relationship go even when the potential existed to resolve conflicts and work through problems? Why?

Yes. With the guy I was seeing when my ex was locked up. At that point in time, I had never felt that way about any one else before. But I feared what my ex would do to him if I stayed with him. I ended the relationship and went back to my ex to protect him.

18. Did I become a different person depending on who I was around? Describe.

Yes and no. I never changed my personal ethics. Who I was, was who I was. But who I was around depended on how outspoken or reserved I was. It determined how goofy or professional I could be. Certain people bring out different sides of my personality than others do.

19. Have I discovered things about my personality (perhaps in previous inventories) that I didn't like, and then found myself overcompensating for that behavior? (For instance, we may have uncovered a pattern of immature dependence on others and when overcompensated for this by becoming overly self-sufficient.) Describe.

My ability to open up emotionally to others. I've tried talking to a few people about deep emotions, and felt like I killed it by being too open. It's like when I finally open up to someone, I lose the ability to filter so I over share.

20. What defects are most often at play in my relationships (dishonesty, selfishness, control, manipulation, etc.)?

My ability to share how I'm feeling. Bottling up my emotions until I explode.

21. How can I change my behavior so that I can begin having healthy relationships?

By talking about what emotions I'm having, when I have them. Not holding onto every little thing until I can't hold in any more.

22. Have I had any kind of relationship with a Higher Power? How has this changed in my lifetime? What kind of relationship do I have with my Higher Power now?

When I was younger, I had a strong relationship with God. I leaned on His every word when I needed guidance. While in active addiction, I felt like God was punishing me. Like He had put meth in my life to teach me a lesson, and since I failed, He was punishing me. The further I get into my recovery, the more I realize He was never punishing me. He was simply trying to make me stronger. I just took the long way around His lesson.

[ahopkins1965]

Good Day Everyone! How are you doing today?  Fine, I hope.  My name is Anthony and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.  I want to inform all of you that my sobriety date is January 2, 2001.  I would like to add this to my records because I really didn't know that taking a small sip of wine, had caused me to have a relapse in my personal recovery.  I guess it is officially time for me to be more transparent.

Otherwise, I am still clean and sober still. I would like to mention that I am feeling much better than usual.  I just wanted to set the record straight regarding my recovery.  I am living in the solution more than the problem itself.  It is best for me to allow God to help me with dealing with a personal crisis in my life right now.  I would like to say that I am focusing on my recovery more and try to improve my relationship with other people.

Next, I want to learn how to be more patient with myself.  Step #6 says that we are asking God to remove all of my defects of character.  This means that I am allowing God to help me with this step in my recovery.  You know one thing, I am able to allow God to fully direct my life.  I have a whole lot on my mind right now.  I am okay with being myself.  God has really taught me how to stay focused and become more specific about life itself

Moreover, I would like to wish everyone a prosperous New Year 2024.  I am feeling as if, the entire world is on my shoulders.  Meaning that, I have to learn how to officially cast all my cares to God.  I am more optimistic than ever before.  I am more relaxed than ever before.  God has already given me an opportunity to serve Him.  I would like to admit that God is watching over me.  One thing that I have learned is that my personal feelings and sins have been resolved by God only.  Man himself remains skeptical about me.

Finally, I have already forgiven all of my adversaries that are in my life right now.  There are others, who have a hardened heart.  I pray for God's Creation each day of my life right now.  I cannot tell man to forgive me of my transgressions.  They should already know what I am going through each day.  Forgiveness is a choice that we must make for ourselves and other people.  I would like to end this by making a final observation.  God has given me a better direction in my life right now.

In Conclusion, I would like for all of you to continue to pray for me.  Love itself is what I already have inside of my heart.  I have learned how to allow people to be themselves.  I have learned the same thing. I see that there are those people who want more dominion than others.  I have learned how to how to be more content with myself with God's help. God has wiped away my years for me and have collected them for His Book of Life.   God is examined our behavior just to make sure that we are feasible for His Kingdom.  I also realize that we must bear our own load in life.  May the Lord God continue to save you and shape your behavior.

[jigjamjupiter]

dontread i Hate november

i want to make so much art do so much interesting math map the relationships i see in the world do awesome work with good people make really good connections with the people i'm meeting Now Now Is The Time the pharmacy isn't open i spend too much time on my phone i'm so exhausted i just want to lay down for a Minute i haven't put up my posters i don't have good mechanisms for Staying on Top of things it's 11:59 it's 12:01 the pharmacy isn't open my mail was not delivered I planned to get this done by now I was having a lot of fainting spells i should choose recovery swear this should work i can't find the bug its 11:59 it's a zero a lot of time energy i spent so much time is so fast it's so long until the pharmacy is open i think i'm having seizures it's just really hard to think i've got to focus study if i want to do anything good i want to have time to do zines puzzles make an etsy play with toys learn chinese learn all of math learn i have so much homework it takes all of the time it can take you don't have a job its the duty of a friend it is never done i promise i'll turn this in later been feeling really terrible i'm Trying sorry for the delay again i don't mean to make an excuse i'll get it done my laptop is broken my papsi died i think i'm having seizures i just need to lie down i promise i'll get it done i'm hungry probably i should eat i need food to think to work to feel good i don't know what to eat it takes so much time to find i'll just work all night again i need to work ahead but when is ahead? nobody will tell me when is ahead? how do i get there? where is ahead? however long i have i expand to fill the space i want to be so clever so focused i was once I want to map the world ALL its interactions I want to see everything i don't have time to ask for help have you ever seen me be smart? be on the wall of honor don't fail don't fail im trying i think i'm having seizures maybe exploding do i have time to get a sweatshirt please don't fail me i guess i don't need another appointment I don't have the energy to think so much right now I have homework i really need to study i don't have time to stop if i could slow down time if i had my meds the pharmacy isn't open i've already made too many excuses i've already not done it i want to be so much where was i? where have i been am i okay? i put my phone down my vision is black moving makes me nauseous i had class today i'm learning to eat let me know if i need anything i didn't find time to exercise sorry i spent too long on my phone sorry i haven't been around i just need catch up please tell me i'm trying to get out i know who i've been i want to be me i want to be me i'm proud of you for doing hard things i hung up my clothes sorry i was too nauseous to open my eyes what have you done recently that's difficult it's 11:59 my jaw is cramping the pharmacy isn't open i'll text when i can breathe a minute your 10 year old self would be proud of you i just need to get on top of things, the pharmacy isn't open

[crystalelemental]

Champion Stadium clears, testing out the new sync pairs, and trying to stay mostly within the F2P lines. There are some exceptions, though...

Vs. Karen BP Barry is really good. Like, this kit rules. Him and base Erika form a really strong partnership to an EX Striker like Lusamine, who may need a bit of crit, and a lot of special attack. Barry supplies it all, with solid defensive profile and Synthesis to sustain. I am exceptionally impressed with his work.

Vs. Will Defensive supports are nice for pairs that are offensively self-sufficient, or for longer modes like Gauntlet. In CS, I feel like defensive supports largely exist for stall. You'll be happy to know, Olivia does this pretty well. X Regen All is nice gradual recovery for the sides to shrug off sync, while her own Protect and First Aid 4 can keep her in place longer than you might expect. I'm not blown away by her performance, but she accomplishes a goal and serves nicely within Stall Meta.

Vs. Koga And now we reach mistakes. A major problem with the BP Master Pairs this time around is that the buffing kit is very poor. Registeel, in particular, kinda sucks. Defensive boosts are decent, but only self-applied, which means sides will obliterate your allies with AoE. Cutting healing in half is a generally smart strat in CS, but Registeel works entirely with recovery so it's hard to facilitate. Its speed boosting, a major draw of its kit, is slow to start up given your two TMs to max defenses, then probably throwing out Potions as needed, resulting in few actual attacks occurring. It's also just not that sturdy. Even with +6, it didn't take much for Koga to overwhelm it. This was carried by Kukui's flinch and Candice's sync bombs, which also needed to remember to reset Hail for Sure Crit or she'd die.

Vs. Bruno Believe it or not, I actually don't respect SEUN on its own. Even aside from how much content these days focuses on off-type, a major issue is that it tends to come with limited offensive support. Dana is a pretty good example of the issue. When looking to the lower tiers that most want this, they can't buff, and she can't help them. The closest we came was Gardenia, who had two problems. One is setup. Without 3/5 Dana, we just didn't have the ability to save a turn off Dire Hit+, or the ability to boost special attack enough for Gardenia to win. The other is bulk. Dana can buff both defenses eventually, but skews special, so a physical stage like this is very difficult for her. I had to settle on SS Erika as the only option with really good self-setup, and to be honest, Erika could've done with this other pairs. This is decisively not Dana's best showing, and I'm feeling very strongly that this is a pair that lives and dies by 3/5 access when considering anything but the elite in self-setup.

Vs. Lance Look, I needed to test out BP Valerie, I adore her. Off-typing Lance it is. This is a particularly scary fight, because of the high BP moves that Lance throws around constantly. Even H!Caitlin has trouble with it. That said, permanent field condition is a choice this time, so welcome to easy street. Caitlin's shields last through Lance's sync, and Colress can debuff accuracy to really cheese round 2. I will say, with concentrated DPS and a flinch off Iron Head, it...legitimately might have been possible to pre-sync clear center. Valerie's pretty impressive on DPS. Sync isn't fantastic without on-type, but we knew that already. Overall though, very satisfied with her performance.

BP Falkner Falkner was the odd man out here. I wasn't exactly confident in his off-type sync potential, so I dropped it. That said, in more closely assessing how he could've been used, I did recognize two things. One is, his speed debuffing is great for Cakewalk. Second, his attack debuffing with Defog would've made something like Bruno much, much easier to handle, as he removes all the shields and offsets parameters. Third, Confuse. This one was especially salient, because I remembered Tate exists, and has hilarious DPS numbers on-type when facilitated, with Cakewalk as the sync. Tate might be Falkner's best F2P partner, facilitating effectively every condition for DPS and Sync that Tate needs. Now if only we had a Psychic Terrain support.

[velopistamedia]

Five Questions with... Simone Berger

(Diego Ferradas/VeloPista Photo)

How did you get started in racing?

When I first started mountain biking, I would meet every week with a group of guys and try to keep up for as long as I could. I loved the challenge and seeing my improvement. One of the guys suggested I try a local race. I won it and I was instantly hooked. I wanted to get even better and take my riding to the next level. I grew up playing tennis tournaments so I already had a competitive nature. I went on to race and win the Florida State Championship in Cat 3, then Cat 2 the following year. When I competed in Cat 1 my first year, I was disappointed when I was finishing at the back of the pack. I luckily found help with a coach, F2 Performance Lab. That year I moved up to finish 3rd in the series, and won the title the following year. Even now I “race the boys” by comparing my times to theirs and greatly enjoy observing my progress. My goal is always to beat myself because then I know I have improved.

Road, gravel, or mountain biking?

Definitely mountain biking. I started with mountain biking, and it became my addiction. There is nothing that matches the rush of adrenaline, the feelings of accomplishment, and pure elation of riding on a trail. I love being surrounded by nature, the friendly and supportive people, and the full body workout. I did switch to road for a few years to give it a try. I learned so much about racing strategies and the importance of teamwork, and usually landed on the podium. I enjoyed the speed, tactics, and feelings of power on a sprint or attack. I also gave gravel a chance, but neither were as fun as mountain biking.

How did last season go for you – highs and lows?

2021 had some of my greatest cycling accomplishments. I started off the year on the CWA pro gravel team. I trained and traveled for gravel races in Florida and North Carolina, and got to be a part of something bigger than just myself. I also traveled many weekends to Georgia to do the SERC/GSC series and won every race, even beating a pro mountain biker. And my greatest achievement was participating in the World Cup, in Snowshoe, WV, the highest level of mountain biking besides the Olympics and World Championship. I was selected to represent the USA in the race and got to compete alongside the best women in the world. I placed 33rd and I will remember it as one of the greatest experiences in my life. The most notable low for me was when I lost the sprint finish at the Conte’s MTB Cup at West Delray. It was the first mountain bike race I didn’t win for almost 2 years, and to lose it by a wheel from a mis-timed sprint caused me to replay that moment over and over in my head. It has since fueled my drive to get even stronger.

What’s next for you on the race calendar?

With the local South Florida Coconut Season coming to a close, the next race on my radar is the Conte’s MTB Cup at Quiet Waters on April 16th. The top prize for this one is $1000 so I have been practicing the course and doing efforts specifically for this race. After that, I have no plans for the summer and am planning some trips up north to ride for fun. I plan to be back to racing at the Florida State Championship series in September.

What’s the one thing you want people to know about you? 

I think it is important for people to remember that we do this as a hobby. I balance a successful professional career, my own business, I own and maintain a house, I have two fur-babies to take care of, and other responsibilities. My training is tailored around my busy working life and time for recovery. I am very thankful my coach understands this and focuses on quality over quantity. My typical training load is only 6-8 hours a week, prioritizing efficiency in the trails and race skills. I do events and trips that are within my available time and financial means. Mountain biking is how I have fun, stay healthy, and de-stress so it’s important that I enjoy it. I work hard both on and off the bike.

Simone Berger Cycling

Subscribe to Simone’s YouTube Channel

[whumpsday]

K&J x MMSS 2: Valen & Liz Part 2

Part 1 here

Kane & Jim masterlist/ Magnanimous Moonrise & Savage Sunset masterlist

content: nonconsensual restraint, muzzle/gag, aftermath of torture, recovery, vampire whumpee, failed escape attempt, begging, burns

part 2 of my and @not-a-space-alien 's second crossover story!

-

They hang out until sunset. Liz gives Valen free reign of the TV and radio. She's not a big reader, doesn't really have many books. There are some outdoorsy magazines, though. Liz does some weight training. Clothes are ordered- even the expensive boots, as Liz tries to assuage her guilt- and she says she'll get the binders when she goes out tomorrow.

For now, Liz gives Valen a sports bra and some of her own clothes that match what she now knows are his taste. She even has a studded belt similar to the one from the catalog. "You have awesome taste," she says with a smile.

Valen originally gravitates towards the reading materials offered, but has trouble focusing. He likes looking at the pictures though--that feels like a long way to have fallen, but he can't deny the way his brain strains against the leash as he tries to reign it in to focus on something constructive. He eventually gives up and watches TV, lying sideways on the couch. He occasionally touches the metal mesh over his face, but the despair is lessening, knowing there's a set time it will be coming off, even if possibly only temporarily.

Valen watches Liz exercise, trying and failing not to stare. He glances away quickly whenever she turns, to avoid making eye contact at all costs.

He is shocked at the amount of money she drops on clothes at his request. It actually starts to make him a little uncomfortable--in his experience, expensive gifts come with strings attached, especially something like clothes. But at the mention of the binders, it feels different--it's clothes he wants, not a command to dress a certain way disguised as a gift. And then he just feels touched. He has not even spoken with Liz. She must be serious about trying to make it as okay as possible.

Despite the circumstances, he smiles as she lends him clothes, especially at the belt. They are bonding, if such a thing were possible. He doesn't even think about trying to reach up and take the muzzle off when she lets him out of the cuffs to dress himself. The sports bra is a good stopgap. He dresses heedless of where she is looking, completely desensitized to being nude in front of others, his body having already been forcibly declared open for others' consumption long ago. He pulls the clothes over himself, and he is dressed--he is fully dressed for the first time in a long time, as though he's a person. He's almost not even nervous for tonight anymore.He holds up the card that says I am happy, moving it in front of his face with both hands, as though hiding behind it.

Liz does watch, just because she has to make sure he doesn't take the muzzle off. She grins at his card choice. "I'm happy you're happy. Laken was right, this is gonna be good."

As they get ready to leave, Liz says, "I should explain the situation. A vampire named Kane kidnapped my brother- Jim- 15 years ago, but he managed to escape. The guys who did that to you aren't the only sadistic bastards out there calling themselves hunters, and Jim has a big heart, so one thing lead to another and now Kane's staying with him. Kane can't use persuasion, which is why he's able to help with this. He used to be a… real piece of work, but he's mellowed out." She is audibly bitter when she talks about Kane. "And Jim, he can be… he gets scared easy, been hurt too many times. So he might be a little skittish around you. Or not, I guess. I mean, he lives with the guy."

Liz gives Valen this abbreviated version of the situation, and it sounds like he's being thrust into the middle of a very complicated situation, with a tangle of very traumatized people, and that makes him very, very nervous. And Kane can't use persuasion… He'd only heard of that one time, and now the name sounds familiar. Valen had met Kane de Sang briefly in passing years ago. All he remembers is that he was rude to the waitstaff. If he's understanding what Liz is saying correctly, it sounds like hunters tortured Kane as well? That sounds so horrible. And Jim--he vaguely remembers now, when Kane's human escaped, and the de Sang family briefly became the laughing stock of the nobility. He remembered how Priscus had mocked the de Sang family to the servants, saying how Kane should be relegated to being a servant as well, for the shame his impropriety brought to the family.

Valen didn't like the sound of Jim getting scared easily. If someone was scared, they would see him as a threat, which was the thing he was in a constant upstream battle to fight against. And it sounded….very strange that they were now living together.

Well, I guess I'll just have to see what it's like when I get there… Not much he could do to really prepare himself. He wants to say Thank you for explaining it, so he holds up the card that says Yes, hoping that maybe the humans will catch on that he's using this one for thank you.

"Cool, alright, guess it's time to go." Liz is interpreting the yes as 'I understand' in this context. She grabs noise canceling headphones and her walkman, planning to use this for when Valen's muzzle is off to protect herself from hearing anything. Valen's cards each have a little hole in the corner and come with a ring and a strap, so he can strap that to his belt if he wants to.

"One more thing. I'm gonna blindfold you for the trip over, so you won't know where he lives. This is… you should count that as good, since it's in case you end up eventually going home. Okay?" Liz holds a cloth she plans to tie around Valen's eyes. "It's only like a 30 minute drive."Valen is at ease during the preparations, threading the cards through the ring happily and clipping it onto his belt. He's almost excited at this point--until Liz brings up the blindfold. Her words make sense, but he can barely hear them over the dull roaring in his ears. A blindfold was never something in the repertoire of restraints he was forced to endure, and the thought of wearing one is absolutely terrifying. He can't imagine feeling more helpless, not being able to see anyone around him, what was coming, where they were going. It doesn't affect his ability to do things, but his ability to know things. That feels like a muzzle or handcuffs on his brain.

He reacts the same way as when Liz had brought out the lock, instantly in tears. Please no, please, please. I can't wear that for even half an hour.

"I'm sorry, Valen. I'm really sorry, but this one's not negotiable." Liz gently rests a hand on his shoulder. "I promise nothing bad's gonna happen. I'm not here to hurt you, alright? You're safe with me. You're safe. I won't let anything happen to you."

Valen can't stop crying as Liz puts the blindfold on, even as her hands are gentle. The world disappears before him--he still has his hearing, which is much better than a human's, so that's something at least, and he can smell who is around, but that doesn't suppress the waves of anxiety washing over him.

You're safe with me. I won't let anything happen to you. Why should he believe that? Why should he trust that she has both the motivation and the competency to make sure nothing happens to him? It's just to keep him docile and submissive, like every good thing handed to him has been. He would take pain over this, any time, every time, he would rather be in pain than helpless and powerless. But this one's not negotiable.

The cloth is wet with his tears right away. He can't stop letting out scared whimpers, can't suppress the shaking of his shoulders. How is this so much worse than the handcuffs, than even the muzzle? He can do nothing but stand there and wait for Liz to guide him forward, so he can walk without smacking into things. He can't even use his cards, because he can't read them to pick one.

Valen can't see, but Liz starts to tear up a little. She'd gotten him to feel okay enough to hold up the I love you and I am happy cards just earlier today, and now he's sobbing uncontrollably next to her. She feels like a monster, but she can't potentially sacrifice Jim's safety. She just can't. "It's just for a little bit. I swear to God I won't let anything bad happen. I'm sorry." She guides Valen into the truck with a hand on his back, buckles him up, and drives out to Jim's place.

Valen can hear the doppler effect of cars on the opposite side of the road approaching and passing, on top of the sound of the car engine, but beyond that, he can sense nothing about his surroundings. They could be going anywhere, to do anything to him. He keeps his chained hands clutched to himself, trying to stifle his shaking.

Or maybe we're just going to Jim's like she said, you hyperanxious idiot.

He knows that's probably the case, but he can't seem to untense his body, almost expecting some unseen threat to come crashing into him at any moment.

"It's okay. It's okay." Liz assures as she drives. She can practically feel Valen's distress radiating off of him. "You're gonna be just fine. You wanna listen to the radio?"

Does he? That's a very good question. A distraction would be nice, but it means he would be able to hear less of the ambient sounds, know even less what's going on around him. Decisions, decisions, decisions. It feels like he'd been completely stripped of the capacity to make decisions. All he can do when he's in pain is freeze up, or thrash around, and it hardly matters which he picks--the result is always the same.

He sits there in silence, still, not answering.

"Alright. If you decide you want it on, just, raise your hands or something." Liz says with a sigh. "Just… listen, I know this isn't ideal. But, like, imagine the person you love most in the world. If our situations were the other way around and you were gonna bring me to them, you'd wanna take all the precautions you could, right? 'Cause I'm a vampire hunter, and I'm gonna take a wild guess that the person you love most is probably a vampire. And I'd get that. Not that I'm saying you've gotta be cool with this or anything, I know it sucks." Her voice softens. "You've been through… a lot. I'm sorry."

The person you love most in the world. Valen tries to think of who that is. He has…no one. He doesn't love Priscus, he doesn't really even like him anymore. He barely loves his parents, obviously he wouldn't want them to die, but…. He would have said he loved his friends, but most of them wouldn't really talk to him anymore, and had said some very hurtful things to him. And he hadn't made any new friends since starting to live as himself…. He has no one. The closest thing he has to love is a possessive, manipulative man who treats him like an idiot. Or maybe, despite the situation, Liz and Laken are the people he loves most in the world. They were the only ones who'd seen the real him and decided to accept and help him. He's that desperate, that hungry for connection. It feels like Liz is rubbing it in.

He starts to cry again, embarrassed when his nose starts to run, sniffling, but he's too afraid to lift a hand to wipe his face in case Liz thinks he's trying to remove the blindfold or the muzzle.

Liz glances over. Apparently she's just making it worse. Yeah, dumbass. Stop talking about hunters finding his family. She grabs a napkin from the center console and hands it to him. "Here. You'll be okay. Gonna talk soon, right? That's why we're here."

He takes it and wipes his face, noting that they have, indeed, arrived.

As soon as she parks, the blindfold comes off. "There we go, it's done. You let me know when you're ready to go in. I'm sorry about that."

Valen's eyes are puffy and rimmed with red. He won't make eye contact anymore. With trembling hands, he rifles through the cards and holds up I am hurt.

Liz winces. "Yeah, that's completely fair. I… I'll try to make it up to you. But, hey, the muzzle's gonna come off now. That's good, right?"

Valen sniffles and gives a very weak thumbs-up.

Once Valen gives the go-ahead, Liz helps him out of the truck and to the house. Jim's been expecting them, and answers the door. In contrast to Liz's muscular body, Jim is a noodle of a man. He's off-put by Valen's appearance- he's not scared, he's been living with Kane for months now, but Valen is injured and emaciated and wearing a muzzle and handcuffs and he looks like he's been crying.

"Hey, I'm Jim, you must be Valen, come on in. Are you alright?" Jim turns accusingly to Liz. "You're being nice to him, right?"

"I'm trying," she says defensively.

Valen does not answer and barely acknowledges Jim, shuffling forward into the house with his head down. The fact that Jim is chiding her for possibly not being nice is a good sign, but he already feels like he's been emotionally wrung out. Not a great start.

"Kane's downstairs. How exactly are we doing this?" Jim asks nervously.

"I'll go down with Valen. I've got this-" Liz holds up her headphones, "So I won't be able to hear while they're talking. Then when he's got that back on, Kane can relay what he's said."

"Okay, cool. I explained everything to Kane when you called earlier, and he's totally down. Just be nice? He's scared of you."

"I've been civil," Liz argues, but the irritation at the subject of Kane is apparent. "I'll be nice. I've been nice."

"Hey, um, it's nice to meet you, Valen," Jim says softly. "Sorry about… what's happened to you. It gets better. I promise."

Valen shies away from him. He's kind, and his voice is soft, and under other conditions he probably would instantly take a liking to Jim. But he's so nervous. This could go a million different ways, and he'll have to make a million decisions, and he hasn't made decisions in ages. And he has to face a new person, who's a vampire at full strength, and he's still weak and hurt. But Liz will be there, even if she can't hear him, so that's good.

Liz takes Valen to the basement, knocking first to let Kane know they're coming down. "Don't touch the door, it's lined with silver and I don't want you to accidentally hurt yourself on it,” she warns Valen before unlocking the door and leading him downstairs. The basement is more of a bedroom by this point.

Kane is sat cross-legged on his bed. He's uninjured, his only restraint is padded ankle cuffs, and while he's definitely very underweight, he's no longer as emaciated as he had been, having been slowly gaining weight back in the past months. He eyes Liz nervously, then smiles and waves to Valen. "Hello! I'm Kane, I heard you're like me. Jim said we're going to talk?" He is actually very excited.

"Yeah, hang on." Liz leans against the wall, puts her headphones on, and starts blasting metal before giving a thumbs-up. "You can take that off for him."

Kane gestures to a chair and desk. "You can sit there, if you'd like?" He gets up and approaches Valen to remove the muzzle.

It makes Valen nervous that Kane is basically locked in the basement, but this seems all right--Kane has amenities, a real bed, furniture, comforts. It looks more like a bedroom than a prison. It's still clearly a long-term confinement, though. Will that also be his fate?

He's so very excited to get the muzzle off, even if he's so nervous he starts to shake as this new vampire approaches him. He sits in the chair and tilts his head to allow Kane easier access to the buckle. Please take it off, holy shit it's actually going to come off.

Kane gently removes the muzzle. Liz is watching him like a hawk- she's become very protective of Valen over the last 2 days, and she does not trust Kane.

"There," he says, pulling the muzzle away. "It's off. Do you feel okay?" He goes to sit back on the bed, holding the muzzle in his lap.

Do you feel okay? It was hard to tell what he was feeling. It's off. It's off. He's almost forgotten how to speak. All the thoughts that were swirling around inside his brain, dammed up to the breaking point for the past few months suddenly fail to materialize. What does he need to convey? What's the most important thing? His research project, his explanation for why he was here--what he'd tried to tell the hunters at the very beginning. It'd once felt so important, but it seems so stupid now.

He opens his mouth and a scratchy voice hoarse from disuse comes out, sounding so much unlike himself that it startles him. He croaks out, "Mushrooms are more closely related to animals than to plants."

Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope. That ain't it. Try again. Take another run at it.

"I didn't do anything." He tries to elaborate, to add please let me go or something along those lines, but his voice gives out. He'd apparently had the voice budget for two sentences, and he'd just spent them. He coughs, throat scratchy and dry, trying to shake the rust off his voicebox.

"Um," Kane is confused. "It's okay. I don't really get it, but we have time. Could you explain a little more, when you're ready? Or, there's my pen and notepad on the desk, you could use that if you'd like?"

The top page of the notepad has some notes about the CDs Jim has bought for Kane, written in perfect, flowy cursive.

He can't do this, he has no idea where to start or what to do or how to do it. He needs Kane to lead, to ask him questions, but he can't put his finger on that or how to express it. He takes the notepad from the desk with shaking hands and sees some nonsense at the top--it looks like it's about a popular band. It feels like trying to make sense of that is the last straw that breaks his brain, and his lip wobbles, face crunching up as tears start to stream down his cheeks.

Valen has always been a very touchy-feely person, which had sometimes gotten him into trouble, but it's all he can think about right now. He stumbles over to the bed and collapses next to Kane, clinging to him, pressing his face into Kane's shoulder, fists twisting in the fabric of his shirt, chest hitching. Kane is a stranger, and a man, and a vampire, which are all three marks against him, but Kane is the first person who can listen, and Valen suddenly has nothing to say except the simple, wholehearted acknowledgment that they're both here together.

Liz wants to go over and comfort Valen, but she knows it would be bad to interrupt, so she doesn't.

Kane wraps his arms around Valen, holding him close. "It's okay," he soothes. "You're out now. You're away from the hunters. I cried a lot at first, too. You're going to be okay. Jim has been… nothing but kind to me, and Liz has never hurt me, not even once. They're good people. Have you fed?"

Valen instantly feels a little bit better as soon as Kane's arms are around him, it's absurd and embarrassing. He sniffles. "Yes, Liz has fed me twice, and L-Laken has fed me also. They-they've been very generous." Saying it out loud helps him feel better too. They have been very generous, feeding him from their own bodies. And Liz has been generous enough to walk in and take him away from Nick. He's still having a hard time processing it. "Do-do they feed you?" Kane is obviously underweight, but he isn't starved, so Valen has to assume yes.

They're good people, he can see that. Maybe it's okay after all.

"Yes, Jim feeds me a full meal every single day. I still can't believe it. Liz fed me once, too," Kane answers. It's obvious that Valen is responding better to questions, and he has to ask. "Um, what was that about mushrooms? I assume it's important, since… it was the first thing you said."

Kane briefly lets go of Valen to grab one of his blankets and drape it over him, since he looks like he needs it. He goes back to holding him right after.

Valen flushes with embarrassment. That was really the first thing he'd blurted out. He wishes Kane had just dropped it. It almost seems like it doesn't matter why he was here originally anyway--they're going to treat him the same way regardless, and not only would it be a long run up to explain anything about the context of the mushrooms, but he isn't sure if any of them would even believe him. But it's not like Valen could just say No don't ask about the mushrooms just forget about it.

"Um," he says, trying not to push his strained voice too hard. "They--caught me because they ass-assumed I was trying to kidnap people, but it was--I was here--here for mushrooms that only grow in the south."

There, he'd said it. The one simple fact he'd tried to tell everyone for his six months of enforced silence. It sounds so so so so stupid. He half expects Kane to laugh at him and tell him to give a real answer. He wishes he'd never see another mushroom again in his whole life.

"Okay. I'll tell her," Kane promises. "I was here for… kidnapping. So, so I'm sorry, I made a bad impression on her for our kind." He squints at Valen's face. "Are you Valen Kithrara? Jim only told me your first name…"

It's not just you that made a bad impression, Valen thinks. It's so many of us. Kane is responsible for his own actions, but he's hardly responsible for the poor relations humans and vampires have as a society.

"Yes," says Valen. "Priscus is my husband. I believe we met in passing years ago. Kane de Sang, right?"

"Yes, that's right." Kane looks at him in awe. "Wow. Small world. Oh, oh no, if the humans know you're a Kithrara they probably think you're… I'll tell her that, too. That you only married in."

Kane has not had this much positive physical contact with someone in a long time. Jim is scared to do so often, for obvious reasons. Being able to hold someone is such a relief that he starts to tear up.

"Should that be the first round, then? I'll tell her you were here for your mushrooms, you didn't do anything, and you're not responsible for the blood farms? Then she can ask any questions she wants and I'll take the muzzle off again?"

Valen goes rigid. "You're gonna put it back on?" he squeaks, feeling foolish. Of course he was going to put it back on, that had always been inherent to the game plan they'd come up with, but…. Valen had been half hoping that as soon as he opened his mouth everyone would immediately see everything was fine and then drop all precautions, as implausible as it was. No, no it couldn't go back on, he'd just gotten it off. What if it stayed on, what if it didn't come back off? "Will she believe it?" he rasps.

"It has to go back on or I can't tell her anything. She probably thinks you're dangerous. I… I don't know." Kane admits. "I don't know if she'll believe it, but I am pretty sure she'll let us talk again after, so I'll take it off again. Is… is that okay?"

"Kane," Valen cries, burying his face in Kane's chest. "Please please please please please please please please ask her to take it off again. I can't go back to keeping it on all the time. I can't. Please."

"I will." Kane promises. He tries to imagine if he couldn't even speak upon being picked up, if Jim had never taken the muzzle off. That was the first thing Jim did, he remembers. If he couldn't apologize, couldn't beg, couldn't show how he'd changed.

"I'll ask her. I promise. I'll argue on your behalf." The possibility is daunting- Liz is a hunter, he's terrified to show her anything but deference. But he has to help Valen.

Snivelling, Valen nods. "Okay. I know you have to put it back on. They told you to. Go ahead then."

Despite saying this, as soon as it starts to come back on, he panics and paws it off, freaking out. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it was a reflex."

Kane picks the muzzle back up. "It's okay, I understand. I'll take it back off really soon. I promise." He gently fastens it back onto Valen's face and goes back to hugging him.

Liz removes her headphones. "What'd I miss?"

"Valen says, he says he wasn't here to kidnap anyone," Kane starts. "He was here for mushrooms. Um, a special kind of mushroom that only grows in human territory. He didn't do anything. And… I know him, from before."

Liz's eyebrows shoot up. That's a lot to take in. "You know him?"

"Kind of. We only met once. He's not really a Kithrara, he just married one. He was just a commoner."

"Oh. I see." Liz is really relieved. She really wants to like Valen. She's still a little wary- she knows it could all be a lie. But… Valen just seems so genuine. "That's it then, Valen? You were never here to hurt anyone?"

He nods vigorously and tearfully. Please believe me, please please.

"He also, he also said to please please please let him have the muzzle off. He said please a lot. Um, I don't think he would try to use persuasion. He just really wants it off," Kane adds.

Liz does not like taking risks. Taking a careless risk one night got her brother taken from her. And she does not trust Kane. And she knows she shouldn't trust Valen.

But he just looks so scared.

"Kane," Liz says sharply, her voice suddenly serious and authoritative.

Kane flinches at her tone, squeezing Valen tighter. "Y-yes, ma'am? I, I'm sorry-"

"It's Liz," she reminds him. "If Valen attempts to use persuasion on me, you will stop him. Is that clear?"

"Yes." Kane nods vehemently.

Liz adjusts her headphones so one ear is covered, and one is just barely not. "Take the muzzle off."

Kane reaches to do so.

Valen almost uses persuasion on Liz as soon as he's able to, which would of course be disastrous. The urge to fight for his life is that strong. The thing that stops him isn't the fact that Kane is right there and could definitely overpower him, but rather the fact that….he can't think of a command to give. There's nothing he could do that would secure his escape. Telling Liz to attack Kane, maybe, but Kane is strong. And….he also just kind of doesn't want to do that. He calms down after a second when it becomes obvious he doesn't need to seize this opportunity to save himself. He licks his lips dryly, looking at Liz nervously. He opens his mouth to speak, but only a hoarse squeak comes out. He blushes and reaches down to his belt and holds up the I am happy card, hiding behind it.

Liz smiles. "I'm happy too. I'm trying to trust you, Valen. You can talk to me if you want to. Can I ask… what's so special about mushrooms that you came all the way here?"

You can talk to me if you want to. He wants to, but he's now battling against his frail voice and his nerves, rather than any physical restraint. This feels so tentative that if he says the wrong thing, maybe his ability to speak will be locked down again. He's finally gotten it back, but now he's afraid to use it.

Why did he have to say that thing about the mushrooms? Now it was all they wanted to talk about, and he had to start his re-entry into the world of speaking by explaining something this stupid and embarrassing.

He does not put down the card, but tilts it a little. "I'm --I'm afraid you won't believe me if I tell you the truth, ma'am."

"I'm not going to put the muzzle back on so long as you don't try to use persuasion," Liz says, her voice soft. "It's okay. I know you're scared, and I want to help. I'll try to believe you, okay? But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I was just curious. And you can call me Liz."

He can call her Liz, but he wants to call her ma'am. He decides to keep calling her ma'am, since it seems like she's not getting too angry at him. But she'd also said she was just curious. He knows what that feels like. He'd been very curious, in the past, when he didn't realize being curious could get him caught and tortured for months.

It couldn't hurt to try, right? Maybe they'll laugh at him, like pretty much everyone who heard this idea did, but it's been ages since he got to talk about his passion project, let alone with someone who might understand.

He slowly lowers the card. At least his voice is warming back up quickly. "Um." He swallows. "There's a kind that produces a sub--stance that--that mimics hemoglobin. I th-thought I could try and use it to make artificial blood." His eyes flicker to her face nervously, then to Kane's, waiting for their reactions.

"Did it work?" Kane asks immediately and urgently, before Liz can say anything. "You can make blood? Without any humans? Can I have some?"

Valen's face crumples. "It--well, no, it--it didn't work, not really. The hunters took me before I could finish."

"Oh," Kane says dejectedly. He was hoping so, so much he could feed himself without Jim having to give him his blood.

"That's…" Liz is stunned. "That's amazing. I can't believe… fuck, those damn idiots. At least they didn't kill you." She shakes her head. It pains her to know what's happened. "I'm sorry. For the record, what happened to you would've been wrong and fucked even if you really were here to kidnap humans." She glances briefly at Kane. "That's a great project. Could help a lot of people, humans and vampires." She thinks for a moment. "We'll go back to my place. You'll get your strength back, and I'll take you to the border once you can make it the rest of the way home yourself. You can consider the clothes I ordered a consolation prize on behalf of humanity. Muzzle stays off. Sound good?"

"R-really?" says Valen. "M-most people just tell me it won't work." Her words are comforting, if wholly insufficient to smooth over the ordeal. "Um, thank you. Thank you so much for-for rescuing me. But--but I can't continue the project. I'm sorry. I can't finish it."

"I wouldn't expect you to risk your safety like that after what you've been through. I just want everyone to be okay, yeah? I know I've been… overly cautious. I'm glad we could reach this point." Liz approaches Valen and holds a hand out to him. "You ready to go?"

Kane reluctantly lets go of Valen. He's not jealous- he's entirely content with his life here. But he wishes he could keep seeing Valen. Keep getting hugs. "It was nice to meet you, Valen. Um, please don't tell anyone I'm alive. I don't want to mess up what I have here." If his family heard about him and sent vampires here and Jim ended up hurt, he'd never forgive himself.

"I don't really have anyone to tell," says Valen dejectedly. "My husband and I are separated, and I don't really have anyone to go back to in vampire territory. I'd been living at my house here in human territory for a while before it happened. But you have my word I'll keep it secret. It was nice meeting you as well."

He takes Liz's hand. Oh, that feels nice. She's warm.

"Oh! You live here. I didn't realize," Liz says, holding his hand and pulling him up off the bed. She grabs the muzzle with her free hand and tucks it under her arm. "So… how were you getting blood, if the project didn't work? You said you didn't kidnap anyone."

His heart spikes. "No, no I didn't!" Calm down, idiot, she's asking, not accusing. "Um, well--it-it worked a little. I'd gotten it to the point where I could use it to sate my thirst for most feedings, and I only had to journey back to my property in vampire territory about once per month for a regular feeding."

Why did it feel so embarrassing to talk about? He was on the verge of giving a false confession and telling them he did kidnap someone, rather than explain the finer details of how his project had failed.

"It's okay, calm down, you're alright," Liz soothes, helping him back up the stairs. "That's really impressive! I've never heard of anything like that." She feels a great sadness that this project was forcefully stopped by such unimaginable cruelty, but she knows it wouldn't be right to try to ask Valen to continue.

"So, I can take you back to your home to grab any of your stuff if you want, then. I know you probably don't feel safe being in human territory on your own after everything. Watch the door," she warns, swinging it open carefully to make sure Valen doesn't get burned. Kane watches longingly as he goes.

"Thank you!" says Valen. "Thank you so much, that's wonderful. Um… I'm not sure how to give you directions to my property. I'm not sure where--where we are, or where your home is…or…where the-the compound I was held at is."

"We'll figure it out," Liz assures.

Jim sees that Valen isn't wearing his muzzle and gasps, backing away with fear in his eyes, assuming he's using persuasion. "P-please let my sister go," he stammers.

Startled, Valen mirrors Jim's panic and stumbles back, arm out as though to shield himself from a blow. He stumbles right back into the silver-lined door, but luckily, he's covered enough that he only gets a quick burn on the back of his neck before Liz yanks him forward. "He's fine, he's a friend." Liz assures Jim. "Everyone calm down."

Valen lets out a yelp at the burn, his hand flying to his neck. "S-stop!" he cries out, and only realizes with horror afterwards that he'd just lashed out with persuasion. It'd been an instinctual reaction, the thing he'd been trying to do for the last hundreds of times he'd been burned with silver.

Liz freezes, her eyes going distant.

Jim drops to his knees, looking up at Valen in horror, his heart pounding hard and fast with panic. "No, no, please," he begs, starting to cry. "Please, sir, not Liz, please don't take my sister, I'll do anything! Sh-she didn't do anything, she was just trying to help! If, if you need to take someone," Jim sobs, "T-take me instead, I'm already a trained bloodbag, please leave my baby sister alone!" He's trembling horribly as he looks at Valen with pleading eyes.

Valen's eyes go wide as this human supplicates to him and starts blubbering pleas. Oh no, no, he's fucked up so, so badly, proven himself to be the monster he kept trying to fight off the accusations he was. His mind instantly ratchets up to the maximum level of panic, convinced that Liz is going to be on him in an instant, kill him or put the muzzle back on. Or Kane--commanded to attack him if he used persuasion, which he'd just done. He expects to hear the footsteps of a full-strength vampire rapidly approaching from behind any second.

If Valen had been thinking, the smart thing to do if he's convinced Liz or Kane or Jim would attack him would be to keep Liz under persuasion, or use her as a shield. What he does instead is panic, drop the persuasion, and dash to the front door, wrenching it open and running off into the night.

Liz snaps out of the persuasion. It's not an unfamiliar sensation, after over a decade hunting.

Kane bangs on the wall, locked in the basement. "What's going on?" he asks anxiously. "Jim? Are you okay?"

"Fuck!" Liz runs out the door after Valen, calling a final "It's fine!" back at a still-crying Jim.

She knows Valen won't be fast. He's still extremely weak and won't have gotten far. But unlike her, he can see in the dark very well. "Valen!" she calls as loudly as she can. "It's okay, I'm not mad! You can't be out here on your own, these woods are crawling with hunters!" It's her own district, so she knows this for certain. "Please come back! It's gonna be okay, I won't hurt you!"

When Liz calls his name, Valen drops out of sight behind Jim's car, curling up in a ball, weeping. She calls to him telling him it's going to be okay and that she's not mad. That part doesn't work. The part that does work is telling him there are lots of other vampire hunters out here, which he's deathly afraid of. He slowly comes out from behind the car, still half-crouched and ready to run, eyes shining brightly in the dim moonlight.

Liz doesn't approach, afraid she'll scare him off, but she does extend her arms out toward him. "It's okay. It's okay," she says soothingly. "I know you were just scared. Nothing's changed. Come on back, please." Pointedly, she takes the muzzle and tosses it as far away as she can throw it.

The way she throws the muzzle is what convinces him to come back. He holds his hands out like she's going to hit him, but he takes a few tentative steps closer. "I'm--I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose, I promise--It--it was a reflex."

"I know. That was obvious. No one could blame you for that." Liz assures him. "I promise, Valen, it's alright. I'm not upset with you for having a freakout moment 2 days after being sprung from a torture chamber, okay? It's fine."

Tears stream down his cheeks, but he walks right up to her and into her arms, hoping she will hug him. "Thank you, Liz. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm sorry I scared your brother. I wish I hadn't upset him. He seemed really scared."

Liz hugs him close. "It can't be helped sometimes, things happen. Thank you for trusting me. Let's go back in there and calm him down, hm?"

"Y-yes." He takes Liz's help to get back onto the porch, cautiously creeping back through the front door.

Jim's still kneeling on the floor, face stained with tears, arms wrapped around himself. His terrified eyes lock onto Valen.

"It's okay, Jim." Liz lets go of Valen and joins her brother on the floor. "No one's getting taken, alright? Valen's a friend. He just got scared, same as you."

Jim clings to Liz's words like a lifeline, nodding tearfully as she hugs him. "I thought, I th-thought…"

"I know. I wouldn't let that happen, okay? You're safe."

Kane, downstairs, starts to relax as well as he overhears this.

Liz helps Jim to his feet. "Valen's trustworthy, so no more muzzle." She looks at Valen with a smile.

Valen's hands anxiously knead the hem of his shirt. "I apologize for scaring you, sir. It--It was a reflex. I--I backed into the silver door and it burned me. He likes to burn me with silver, and I al-always try to make him to stop. I hope you can calm down. I would--would assist in easing your anxiety if there is-is anything possible."

Jim calms down a bit when Valen is openly non-hostile, though still a bit shaky. "I get it. I just, I just freaked out a little bit." His face reddens, embarrassed of how he called himself a trained bloodbag just minutes ago. "We're all good."

"Speaking of which, is your neck okay?" Liz asks.

"Oh," says Valen shakily, reaching a hand to the nape of his neck. "Y-yes, it's okay. It's minor. Thank you." Valen turns to Jim and gives a gesture that is half a bow, half a curtsey. "It was very nice to meet you, sir. Thank you for having me over. I apologize again for the disruption. I eagerly await the next invitation."

As he turns back to Liz, he holds up a card--not because he can't speak, but this time because he is too embarrassed and shy to say it without couching it in layers and layers of politeness and propriety that would destroy the sentiment. I love you.

Liz grins. "Aw, love you too, buddy." She goes over and drapes an arm over his shoulders. "You good for me to head out?" she asks Jim.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Jim is more embarrassed than anything at this point. To Valen, he says, "Nice to meet you, too. Glad everything turned out okay."

Liz takes him back to the truck. She doesn't even consider the blindfold this time. If Valen wanted to cause harm, he could have. "I'll take the cuffs off when we get home, key's over there. Congrats on being a free man," she says as she starts to drive.

A free man. Valen runs his fingers over the cuffs on his wrists. As soon as they're off, it will be the first time in six months he's not had any sort of restraint on him. He almost can't believe it.

He looks out the window, watching the trees whizz past in the dark. "I--I don't know how I can ever repay you for saving me."

"You don't need to. Saving people is my job. I wish more hunters got that,” she says somberly. "Thank you for… trying what you did. With the mushrooms. Sorry it turned out so shit."

He swallows. "I-I don't know what I'm going to do when I leave here. My whole life it's been one thing after another--First it was school, then living with my husband, then trying to figure out a way to shut down the blood farms…and then, I suppose, trying to survive Hell…but now… I don't know what I'll do."

Liz is quiet for a bit. She's been in similar situations before- the homeless are frequent victims of vampire abduction, and her branch has resources to help victims who don't have anywhere to go. But those resources are for humans. She can't refer Valen to those. "You don't have to go, if you don't want to. I have the space."

"Really? You would open your home to me? That's so kind of you." He draws his hands to his chest. "I fear I may cause problems if I simply allow myself to be a lay-about all day. I've never been idle full-time before."

"Yeah, you seem like a chill guy, why not? I guess you'll have to decide what you wanna do, then. Once you're better, you can come on night hikes with me and Laken on our nights off, if you want. What'd you do before? Nerd stuff?" Liz asks.

"Yes, I was actually in a very prestigious biochemistry program. I got quite close to finishing it, too, and at the top of my class, before I had to pull out on account of my marriage. I was the mistress of the estate for a while, but my husband discouraged me from pursuing any real work related to my interests. Wasn't proper to have the lady of the house doing such things, apparently. And then after we separated, I started getting back into it, since I had the freedom and money to do so, and thought I could give my idea a try even though it always seemed a very far-fetched goal. And after that, well…you know how it went."

"Well, fuck your husband," Liz says with a snort. "You could always start some new science stuff. I assume?" She wants to suggest he could continue the blood experiment if he wants to, that she'll protect him this time, but she doesn't want to make it seem like she's using him or pressuring him.

Valen leans his head into the window, looking very far away. "I'm not sure if I'll be able to have much enthusiasm for science anymore. Or…anything much, to be honest."

"Jim pretty much stayed holed up in the house for months after he got out. I'd have to drag him to doctor's appointments. It took a while, but he's slowly gotten better and better over the years. It's gonna take time. Lemme know if there's anything I can do to help." She wishes she hit Nicholas over the head harder.

"Thank you. It's much appreciated.  Can I ask…why you came to get me? You didn't know I was innocent, and--I wasn't your responsibility, at all."

"…You know I hate Kane. For what he did to Jim. Jim may have made peace with him, and I'll be civil, but I'll never forgive him. Ever. He was an abusive monster who beat my sweet brother senseless for years and methodically destroyed every bit of spirit he had, and tried to do it again. And I still don't think he deserved what those hunters did to him. No one deserves that. So when I heard about you… I had to do something. Honestly, I was planning to just put you out of your misery, but I took one look at you and knew I couldn't. Guess Jim was right the whole time."

Valen smiles softly to himself. "You're very kind." His smile fades. "I know this in no way lessens the severity of Kane's crimes, nor does it offer any justification for them, or reason to dull your anger, but…You should know that in our home territory, Kane was treated very poorly. I only met him briefly, but every time I heard someone mention his name, I felt great pity for him. It was public knowledge that his own family did everything short of having him killed to hide the shame they thought he brought to them. Even back when his only crime was being born a little less whole than the rest of us, everyone seemed to delight in reveling in his defect for how inferior it made him. The role he was forced into by his culture was to be there so everyone could look at him and say, 'At least I'm not a worthless invalid like Kane de Sang.' He went decades without kidnapping a human and enduring harsh ridicule for something he couldn't help, and only did that monstrous deed in the hopes of finally making his pain stop." His frown deepens. "Our society holds up cruelty and violence as aspirations, and those who can't, or won't, participate are scorned as weak and childish. It has very little tolerance for anyone who--who is different. I know this firsthand also, because I--I lost most of my friends when I became transsexual, and the rest left when I started being more vocal about how I thought the way everyone treats humans is wrong." He wipes a tear from his eye. "I'm sorry, you didn't ask for all this, but--but I haven't had anyone to talk about it with."

"I'm sorry that happened to you. Laken's had… similar experiences. Catholic family- if you know what that is. Way I see it, those people were shit friends anyway, not that it makes it hurt less. Now you've got some new ones who don't suck." She nudges him affectionately.  "…You don't know the specifics, as far as Kane goes. It wasn't just the kidnapping, he was violent, extremely so. I have a hard time believing everything he did was just to get his family to like him. It happened behind closed doors. He was drunk on power. Just 'cause his life sucked doesn't give him a pass to fuck someone else's up too. Like that asshole who tortured you. Said he was captured and all, but that doesn't mean he can just go and do it right back to you. Hope he got concussed."

Valen wants to tell Liz that it's normal for vampires to be violent behind closed doors. That's what he's saying. But he decides not to push it--there's not much use in trying to get Liz to be sympathetic, and she probably wouldn't appreciate it…She has every right to feel the way she does about Kane. As would Jim, if he felt so inclined.

Instead, he says, "Nick is…. I feel sorry for him. I do. Or, I want to. I know he is an injured animal lashing out. But I hate him. I don't want to hate him. I understand how you feel about Kane. I do. We can't help the way we feel about people who've hurt us so deeply, even if we wish we could feel differently.”

The first thing Liz does when they arrive home is remove Valen's cuffs. "There you go. How's that?"

Valen rubs his wrists. "It's lovely, thank you." He holds his arms out wide, reveling in the newfound freedom, then moves his hands to his face, running them over the bare skin where the muzzle used to be, then the back of his head where the buckle he could never reach had been. "Ha--haha!" He spreads his limbs wide and does a jumping jack, then immediately regrets it, wincing as the movement jars his injuries.

"Easy there," Liz cautions with a laugh. "You can do all the jumping jacks you want when you're all healed up, might wanna wait a bit. Maybe we can even exercise together. Bet I could bench-press you."

Valen flushes, deeply embarrassed by the rush of emotions that flood through him. Now he's nervous about being in Liz's house for an entirely different reason: it's going to be difficult to hide how attractive he finds her if she makes offhanded comments like that.... or exercises in front of him often. Once he gets his strength back he'd be much stronger than her, even without testosterone, but still…

The last thing he wants to do is make himself unwelcome by discomforting Liz. Or even worse, upset Laken, and have them get territorial..... would they?

No... Right?

Were they even dating? Would Laken get overprotective even if they weren't? Would Liz tell him off for thinking such things to begin with?

He has this trainwreck of thought all at once, and blurts out, "Are you and Laken engaged in courtship?" His brain had supplied that as the most formal, least offensive way of asking, which surely makes it feel even more bizarre.

He puts his hands to his mouth, heart pounding. Did he really just answer that way?

Liz groans. "Am I really that obvious? They totally know, right? Maybe not, they can be kind of oblivious. Ugh, I've been trying to work up the nerve to ask them out forever, but we've been friends for like half our lives and I don't wanna ruin it, you know?" she babbles.

Valen blinks. Had she really just missed what he'd thought was obvious all over his face? That was good, he supposed, but the response didn't lessen his worry. He would never feel at ease here unless he asked...

"Are you quite certain that Laken finds my presence here acceptable, er, more long term?"

"Oh yeah. I mean, they don't know yet, but they'll be thrilled. Laken was angling for me to let you go for your sake, but now that you wanna stay, they'll be all for it." Liz assures him. She pats his shoulder. "Try not to sweat it too much. You're home now, right?"

Home. A home that he'd chosen. The euphoria of leaving Priscus and making his own home still hadn't worn off, and he's starting to feel it again. Try not to sweat it too much. He's shocked to find that such a thing is starting to get easier. He smiles. "Yes, I suppose you're right. Thank you, ma'am."

-

reminder: this is the last time i'm tagging the full taglists for both stories! if you’d like to continue being tagged in crossover pieces, please comment saying so in order to remain on the taglist! it’s opt-in! and as the next crossover will be 18+, please be 18+ to enter the taglist for that. if your url is bolded, you're already on the crossover taglist.

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